Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Leftover buttons

I came into this relationship with Sir Steve with a whole lot of 'buttons' ....... we've managed to work hard to cut a lot of the strings that fastened them to me....... but every once in awhile I discover another button ....

Last weekend I found a couple of them -- well hidden -- 

I had followed Sir Steve in my car to a local mall to do a quick stop before we headed off to the campgrounds.  I pulled in beside him ...... and my stomach lurched and knotted.  The turn into the space had been tight -- and the car was a little bit crooked.  It was one of the things that W used to give me grief about - not being perfectly straight in the parking space (and they say I have OCD!!)  When I climbed out of the car I checked and was fairly straight and definitely between the yellow lines -- Sir Steve made some comment about my reaction.  I later explained to him I had found another 'button' -- the anxiety over parking perfectly straight between the yellow lines.  Sir Steve just shook his head and whispered "it doesn't really matter does it?" 

Then later during the weekend - there was a conversation about spankings/play time.  Sir Steve gave me THAT look -- one I know so well -- that said "all you have to do is ask" ... I walked away from that one. I filled up with tears -- had a brief moment of panic that this relationship was sliding down the same hill as the one with W... where the Dom didn't really want to do the pain part of play -- but would do it to please me.  The problem with that is -- I will not relax enough to enjoy it -- the mantra in my head will always be "He's doing it for me -- he does NOT want to do it -- just for me"   

I am a masochist -- pain is the fuel that keeps my motor purring.  BUT for some reason unless the Sadist playing with me is enjoying it and getting his motor running -- it's a total waste of time.  In my warped thinking a Sadist/masochist relationship is very symbiotic relationship.  I will not thrive if I am the only one enjoying myself -- I feed off the desire of the Sadist to dole out the pain.  For me -- sensing that desire from the Sadist is almost as good (if not better) than the actual pain.


Hermione said...

I really love the picture of the buttons, and have saved it. I must do something like that as a craft project with the box of buttons I recently inherited.

I feel exactly as you do. If my partner does not enjoy inflicting pain, I feel guilty about being the only one who is enjoying it.


abby said...

Maybe if you can think of it as pleasing you...pleases Him and brings Him joy...I know it is a little hard for a submissive that get that in their train of thought...but Master has convinced can still be all about Him while He is pleasing me.
hugs abby

Lilac said...

That parking between two yellow lines is definitely not OCD . I've had about 5 car accidents in my life. All of the accidents happened in parking lot (my fault because I hit the cars that were parked) except for the one here in Montreal where I hit the wall in the parking garage while I was driving out.

After having more than a fair share of these accidents, i also make sure to park really well between two yellow lines to avoid being hit by crazy drivers like me. So definitely , making sure to park between 2 yellow lines isn't OCD , but rather a precaution .

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