Thursday, April 20, 2017
Eating disorders are like invisible bogey men -- hiding under the bed -- in the cupboard -- never EVER really gone for good.
I have been doing really really well the last couple of months -- eating 1200 calories a day without a fight -- without feeling sick -- without any side effects. (and for CG -- grinning -- and not in one McDonald's meal either !!) And the scales haven't budged -- well not more than one pound up or down.
But slowly almost unnoticed the feelings have started creeping back in. Last week I pulled out a dress for Easter -- a dress I haven't worn since I bought it. I got such a knot in my stomach that maybe it wouldn't fit -- maybe I was getting 'fat' again.
Then I started to think about the summer coming -- and being at the campsite with Sir Steve -- and needing 'camping clothes' especially shorts and a decent bathing suit.... and the feelings just swamped me.
I started to count how many weeks I have before I need to wear summer clothes and started calculating how fast I could lose the last 20 pounds I have always wanted to lose.
My voices started whispering in my ear ' just cut back on your calories... go to the gym more.... walk more eat less.... you did it before you can do it again'
I am saying this out loud (so to speak) cause I don't want to hide it -- I did that the last time -- I want to fight the urge not to cut back on food and increase the exercise -- I LIKE being healthy -- but I so want to lose the last 20 pounds!! I SO want to buy shorts and swimsuits and not feel fat in them!
That dress I thought wouldn't fit -- I wore at Easter -- got compliments on it even -- and I hated it! Every time I looked in the mirror I looked so fat in it! It looked too tight -- too small -- All I could see was the fat piling on my body.
And so the war begins again ........ the desperate need to lose 20 pounds in 2 months and the knowledge I must eat ..........