Monday, May 30, 2016
Roots give trees stability. The winds may blow and the rains may fall - but the tree stands strong - because of it's roots.
For the last - I don't know - 5 months or so - I have been exploring and playing and tasting a freedom I don't think I ever had - ever! I did a lot of growing. I got dragged into more than my share of dramas. I got irritated and disillusioned. I talked to a lot of different people and questioned more than I ever did.
I thought I had the answers - I joked about it. I had a checklist - I wanted a lover - I wanted a Sadist - I wanted a Dom - I wanted someone who would do knives - someone else who would do needles - I wanted all my needs met.
But for all my freedom - for all my fun - I was feeling empty inside. My tree was swaying dangerously in the wind. I thought my roots were gone.
I slowly started cutting back on my activities - The Sadist is gone - and my hunt for the right fit for all my other needs has stopped.... my lover is still here and that is a very good thing. I am polyamorous and probably always will be now..... THAT is a good fit. The only thing from this exploration period that does still fit.
BUT I realized that I need to get back to my roots.
In the last couple of weeks I came to the realization that my roots were in my submission. I am not a bottom - not a player. I am submissive....... with or without a Master. It is in my blood - it is who I am.
And with that realization - thankfully - a quiet settled over my heart and I feel calm and strong again.