There was an educational event last evening - "Protocols and Rituals". I honestly didn't plan to go... after all - I am not exactly the poster child for D/s, Power Exchange relationships. But around 3pm I decided I would go ........... it beat sitting home alone for sure.
It was a very good discussion about Protocols and Rituals...... I don't want anyone to think it wasn't. But when it was over I was angry - and all I could think was "get me out of here!!" I spent the hour drive home raging inside.
I was fairly quiet (for me) during the discussion but a couple of times I had to speak or blow up........... One thing I wanted to get straight in my head was ....... all evening I kept hearing how it made the slave feel - how it grounded him - made him feel safe - all the things I used to feel - but I wanted to know what the Dominant got out of it.... how having this much power over someone made them feel. All I can see / think now is (and I said this last evening) "Absolute Power corrupts absolutely". And to be honest I don't see it much differently this morning.
At the end of my relationship with him - I was accused of being a "bad submissive" and yeah - after last night I think I probably was. It came to the point that I was doing all the protocols/rituals in a vacuum - or it felt that way. My self esteem started to deteriorate and I felt more like a failure than anything else. And yeah I stopped doing the protocols/rituals slowly - one by one.
I don't know - maybe it's the feeling I have that giving complete control over to someone else make me less of a person.... maybe it's the feeling of humiliation that a lot of the protocols bring out in me - and I do NOT do humiliation well at all. Things like having to be naked (and cold) all the time - not being allowed to sit on a chair - having to ask permission to use the bathroom - asking permission to enter or leave a room...... maybe I was wrong all the time about my being a submissive....... but then what am I??? I am definitely NOT dominant ....... so what am I??? nothing - keeps coming to mind... maybe I shouldn't have ever tried to be in the "lifestyle"..... maybe it's not me.
Maybe the secret to a successful power exchange relationship is the submissive finding their freedom - the dominant taking responsibility and there being a whole lot of love on both sides.