Saturday, November 21, 2015

Ramblings of a conflicted submissive

There was an educational event last evening - "Protocols and Rituals".   I honestly didn't plan to go... after all -  I am not exactly the poster child for D/s, Power Exchange relationships.  But around 3pm I decided I would go ........... it beat sitting home alone for sure.

It was a very good discussion about Protocols and Rituals...... I don't want anyone to think it wasn't.  But when it was over I was angry - and all I  could think was "get me out of here!!"  I spent the hour drive home raging inside.  

I was fairly quiet (for me) during the discussion but a couple of times I had to speak or blow up........... One thing I wanted to get straight in my head was ....... all evening I kept hearing how it made the slave feel - how it grounded him - made him feel safe - all the things I used to feel - but I wanted to know what the Dominant got out of it.... how having this much power over someone made them feel.  All I can see / think now is (and I said this last evening) "Absolute Power corrupts absolutely".  And to be honest I don't see it much differently this morning.  

At the end of my relationship with him - I was accused of being a "bad submissive" and yeah - after last night I think I probably was. It came to the point that I was doing all the protocols/rituals in a vacuum - or it felt that way.  My self esteem started to deteriorate and I felt more like a failure than anything else.  And yeah I stopped doing the protocols/rituals slowly - one by one.  
I don't know - maybe it's the feeling I have that giving complete control over to someone else make me less of a person.... maybe it's the feeling of humiliation that a lot of the protocols bring out in me - and I do NOT do humiliation well at all.  Things like having to be naked (and cold) all the time - not being allowed to sit on a chair - having to ask permission to use the bathroom - asking permission to enter or leave a room...... maybe I was wrong all the time about my being a submissive....... but then what am I??? I am definitely NOT dominant ....... so what am I??? nothing - keeps coming to mind... maybe I shouldn't have ever  tried to be in the "lifestyle"..... maybe it's not me.


Maybe the secret to a successful power exchange relationship is the submissive finding their freedom - the dominant taking responsibility and there being a whole lot of love on both sides.


julie said...

I think that your last paragraph hits the nail on the head. With power comes an immense amount of responsibility. If the Dominant just wallows in the power given to them through the power exchange, and does nothing to ensure that the submissive feels loved and cared for then it begins to feel abusive. Rules and rituals for their own sake are just that. Great post xx

abby said...

Being a good dominant takes a lot of work and effort. 'Owning' someones means you have taken the time to really, really know that person....and to take care of that person....
That is my two cents worth
hugs abby

Anonymous said...

Wait wait wait in a D/s relationship which I believe you were in not a M/s one you negotiate so you are happy with what is in place. I too hate those parts you said and that's why I say no to them. We don't have them in our power exchange. You can say no as you are submissive.
It's a power exchange sweet, you exchange the power you want to and keep the power you need to, to make you happy! Your not a bad submissive just because you don't like degrading acts :)


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