The stress has been ongoing for weeks now............ I have been slowly falling apart with no anchor to ground me - no light at the end of the tunnel - nothing - just bleak tomorrows.
This past weekend W made pubic apologies everywhere .. on here... on Fetlife .. on Facebook (dear god FACEBOOK which is my vanilla life and is connected to my children/grandchildren and family - can you imagine the fall out I had to deal with from everyone??)
And though I totally understand his need to publicly apologize it didn't change what was going on behind closed doors. The worst - the very worst behaviour was his just getting up and going off for hours on end. No goodbye - no see you soon - nothing just the slamming of the door. I was left to stew and worry that he was ok.... and believe me I DID stew and worry - because despite everything - this is the man I loved - the man who I willingly gave my heart to and my submission. I felt lost and very scared.
The truth of the matter is I very quickly came to discover I was not alone in this...... one friend has been making 'pilgrimages' on the weekends to just sit and have coffee with me.... other friends have been emailing .. others have been insisting on my getting out and meeting them for lunch or coffee.....
Slowly I am trying to break old habits of permission for this and permission for that... of feeling guilty because 'I must be a bad sub if he is so unhappy'...... slowly my behaviour is changing.
And in the midst of all this turmoil ... all this pain... all this hurt... spring has slowly starting peeking it's head up from the winter doldrums. And this past week I have watched as the birds start their collective mating dance - singing brightly and fluffing out their feathers - attracting mates.
All of them except one lil robin. I noticed him a week ago I guess sitting on the side mirror of my car. He made me remember my grandmother's budgie who used to peck at the mirror in cage and fluff up his feathers.
This silly lil robin has discovered there is a "mate" in the mirrors on the car - in the windows of the car and reflected in the side panels of the car. I have stood and watched him doing his mating dance with his reflection and laughing.
So not everything is bleak and sad here - there is a little happiness/silliness going on just outside my window that makes me smile and sometimes even laugh.........
I managed to snap some pictures of my narcissistic robin yesterday and thought I would share them with you..........'cause a little smile is good for the soul...........
"ok I'm here - where is she?"
"oh there she is - hiding eh my beauty?"
"ah HA I found you again!"
"you can't hide from me - found you again!"
"HEY whatcha looking at !"
Yup sometimes you just gotta look out your front window to find a little happines.