I was trying to come up with a post for The Journey this morning.......... and to be honest I have felt for a long time now that for the most part my writing has deviated away from BDSM and is more along the lines of some vanilla house wife's bitching about life. There just isn't (hasn't been) a whole lot of BDSM going on in this house these days.
BUT then I thought - originally this blog was really just my way of documenting my life - all my life - which means more than BDSM. Yeah my readership has dropped off - but the main purpose is still MY writing about MY life - whatever that may be on any given day.
Today I need to document my efforts to stop smoking. "They" say the more people who know you are trying to stop the better it is. Now I am not too sure I totally agree with that philosophy - since I really must do this for ME. I have found in the last week (especially) that every time I go to have a cigarette I feel guilty - guilty because I know W is aware I am smoking and I feel like I am letting him down (yet again) But that's when I have to remind myself I am NOT doing this for him - I am doing it for ME - for MY health.............. because unlike a lot of people - I do not function well working from guilt. It tends to make me angry and take a "who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do" attitude. Yup - it's much better if I do this for me
I found the above poster and read it / studied it carefully. OH I have always known that there were all these nasty poisonous chemicals in my beloved cigarettes - but I always rationalized smoking by saying my grandfather smoked till the day he died (at 90 something) and he died from old age. I had someone - once upon a time - point out that the cigarettes my grandfather smoked were probably pretty much pure tobacco - not full of the chemicals we find today. BUT I didn't listen - I believed I had good 'genes' and could smoke without fear.
Of course I learned last week - that just isn't true. And so I made my decision to end this lifetime bad habit......... NOW. (ok ok - as soon as I can)
When I came to Kingston in July I was smoking an unbelievable pack and half a day. In September with the urging of my new doctor I made a conscious decision to stop. Last Thursday when I got the diagnosis of bladder cancer I was smoking 7 cigarettes a day. AND I was quite pleased with my progress - hell I was so pleased that I had stayed at 7 per day for about 2 months!!! (le sigh)
Now I am back on the wagon - working hard to drop the last 7 without any nicotine patches or fixes. As of yesterday I was down to 4 1/2 a day.
Then I saw / studied this new poster................
And I was shocked. I guess I figured once I had stopped, within a month or so my body would be clear of all the toxins. But if you look closely it takes 5 years - 5 YEARS!!! - to lower the risk of bladder of cancer......... and I couldn't help but think do I have 5 years???
It made me a little discouraged - but I sucked it up and am fighting on..........