Friday, May 07, 2010


Well I saw the doc yesterday............ and despite my belief I was 100% fit - cured - the "I wanna die" virus was gone gone gone............ She said (in that stern voice she can get sometimes) "I said 7 weeks I meant 7 weeks!!"

And I am only finishing my 5th week.

Hear me sigh???

BUT the good news is.. despite the fact I still have fluid in my ears and some swelling in the sinuses.. I can go back to work next Wednesday YAY!!!


On another topic - but somewhat the same..........
My body is doing weird stuff these days....... stuff I had forgotten about..........

My skin feels electrified........ my palms sweat.........and my stomach goes into knots....

Diagnosis............ "anticipation"

Yup .. I got it bad. One wild and wonderful pain session last weekend..... and once I found my feet again and got them planted firmly on the ground... the symptoms reappeared.

Secondary diagnosis - masochist

Definition of masochist - "one who experiences arousal, excitement or sexual gratification from receiving pain."

For those who are not masochistic or not a Sadist - this 'condition' is hard to understand. (and the thing is..... I GET it - really get it - that it is difficult to understand/grasp the definition. Hell there are times I find it difficult to process the definition - cause that makes me weird.. really really weird !!)

The very first time I actually realized and acknowledged that I become sexually aroused (and can cum - under the right circumstances) from pain (and pain alone!) was a private play party at the condo with one other couple. W was playing with me at the same time the other dominant was playing with his sub. Afterwards sitting outside under the summer moon and the twinkling stars - W and this other dom were discussing my soft moans, and as the pain increased - my quite obvious orgasm. I became embarrassed and begged permission to toddle off to bed. I just couldn't be there listening to them discuss this "phenomenon" It just seemed too weird to me.. it made me some sort of 'weirdo'. I couldn't deal with it.

After that - W made a point often - most often when we were playing with others - to indicate how wet I became from a beating. He would always demonstrate - by running his hands between my legs and showing anyone who was interested - how wet I was. I was always mortified. I wanted to keep it my lil dirty secret.

Last weekend when I went out to play - I was a bundle of nerves for a whole lot of reasons. One of those reasons - I did not discuss with anyone!! I was scared that this new couple who were gonna use me as their play thing for the night would discover my "dirty lil secret" .

Once the pain was ratcheted up and I was in my comfort zone I honestly didn't think of the heat that was coming from my pink bits. Once when the Male counterpart was playing with me - he thrust his leg firmly between my legs to hold me down on the table (well that was what I assumed he was trying for) and i was aware enough to pray that the thong I was wearing was enough to sop up the sweet juices that were spilling from my body. MY GOD I did not want him to know...... how embarrassing!! And the one or two times (ok ok it was more than that!!) that the quirt was beating a wonderful rhythm across my ass .. my back .. going slow at first then picking up speed.... and I could feel the orgasm ready to thunder through my body - I murmured ( I swear I murmured) "don't stop .. don't stop" and then I let my body ride the wave of sweet release........... and damn the consequences !!

I am a masochist and there is no denying it. It is just part of who I am - I don't understand how or why I am a masochist - and I know there is no way I can change it......... and truthfully I don't want to......


Orage said...

"I am a masochist and there is no denying it. It is just part of who I am - I don't understand how or why I am a masochist - and I know there is no way I can change it......... and truthfully I don't want to......"
Exactly! You don't know why and you don't want to change!
Well, so much the better if you've again found another interesting group.
Morningstar, keep your links with that group and I do wish you the best. i'm so glad you're seeing the light again!

sin said...

I totally get this, at least insofar as I feel the same kind of confused embarassment at the knowledge that I get turned on by pain.

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