Friday, May 07, 2010
Well I saw the doc yesterday............ and despite my belief I was 100% fit - cured - the "I wanna die" virus was gone gone gone............ She said (in that stern voice she can get sometimes) "I said 7 weeks I meant 7 weeks!!"
And I am only finishing my 5th week.
Hear me sigh???
BUT the good news is.. despite the fact I still have fluid in my ears and some swelling in the sinuses.. I can go back to work next Wednesday YAY!!!
On another topic - but somewhat the same..........
My body is doing weird stuff these days....... stuff I had forgotten about..........
My skin feels electrified........ my palms sweat.........and my stomach goes into knots....
Yup .. I got it bad. One wild and wonderful pain session last weekend..... and once I found my feet again and got them planted firmly on the ground... the symptoms reappeared.
Secondary diagnosis - masochist
Definition of masochist - "one who experiences arousal, excitement or sexual gratification from receiving pain."
For those who are not masochistic or not a Sadist - this 'condition' is hard to understand. (and the thing is..... I GET it - really get it - that it is difficult to understand/grasp the definition. Hell there are times I find it difficult to process the definition - cause that makes me weird.. really really weird !!)
The very first time I actually realized and acknowledged that I become sexually aroused (and can cum - under the right circumstances) from pain (and pain alone!) was a private play party at the condo with one other couple. W was playing with me at the same time the other dominant was playing with his sub. Afterwards sitting outside under the summer moon and the twinkling stars - W and this other dom were discussing my soft moans, and as the pain increased - my quite obvious orgasm. I became embarrassed and begged permission to toddle off to bed. I just couldn't be there listening to them discuss this "phenomenon" It just seemed too weird to me.. it made me some sort of 'weirdo'. I couldn't deal with it.
After that - W made a point often - most often when we were playing with others - to indicate how wet I became from a beating. He would always demonstrate - by running his hands between my legs and showing anyone who was interested - how wet I was. I was always mortified. I wanted to keep it my lil dirty secret.
Last weekend when I went out to play - I was a bundle of nerves for a whole lot of reasons. One of those reasons - I did not discuss with anyone!! I was scared that this new couple who were gonna use me as their play thing for the night would discover my "dirty lil secret" .
Once the pain was ratcheted up and I was in my comfort zone I honestly didn't think of the heat that was coming from my pink bits. Once when the Male counterpart was playing with me - he thrust his leg firmly between my legs to hold me down on the table (well that was what I assumed he was trying for) and i was aware enough to pray that the thong I was wearing was enough to sop up the sweet juices that were spilling from my body. MY GOD I did not want him to know...... how embarrassing!! And the one or two times (ok ok it was more than that!!) that the quirt was beating a wonderful rhythm across my ass .. my back .. going slow at first then picking up speed.... and I could feel the orgasm ready to thunder through my body - I murmured ( I swear I murmured) "don't stop .. don't stop" and then I let my body ride the wave of sweet release........... and damn the consequences !!
I am a masochist and there is no denying it. It is just part of who I am - I don't understand how or why I am a masochist - and I know there is no way I can change it......... and truthfully I don't want to......