Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Safe words ad nauseum




Wayyyy back when .. i was heading a submissive help group up here in the Great White North...... and there were piles of information (mis-information) we used to give out to newbies..

i say mis-information because truthfully every single solitary safety net that is built in to a new BDSM relationship can be broken........

For example......... safe words.. (my favourite pet peeve)

so many 'newbies' feel safe to meet and greet and play with anyone because they have a safe word ...... oh joy oh joy !!! Purple aardvark is a good word .. not commonly used in every day conversation.. so most definitely a good safe word .. yes sirreee bob .. a good safe word !!

Except what happens please...... if this nice friendly Dom you have just met.. and who agrees to Purple Aardvark as a safe word...... ties you up all nice and tidy like.. and starts wailing away at you with a 2x4........ you say .. so sweetly and politely "Purple Aardvark" and He keeps on keeping on........ what now???

What IF he slaps a gag in your mouth?? ohh not to worry you have a nice set of bells to ring.. or a ball to drop.. feel safe?? What if He comes at you this time with a chain saw.. do you really think ringing those pretty lil bells or dropping that pretty bouncy ball is gonna stop Him??????????

Come on people !!!

i have never believed in safe words ..........

So what now??

Besides making damn sure that the person you are playing with is responsible and trust worthy....... how does one protect themselves?? both Dom and sub.. sorry but i honestly believe both must be protected...

It is so difficult to sort this all out....... really .. it is.. i started off with it very clear in my mind.. but as i type i keep coming up with exceptions or problems with my theory.....

Maybe what i teach my kiddies at school applies well here.. "say what you mean .. and mean what you say"..

So often submissives play the old game of "stop stop in half an hour" .. it is a game that really bothers me.. how does one know if they mean stop.. or if they want to be coaxed.. or cajoled into it??

i was talking with my daughter (yeah yeah i know.. but she is an adult ) about this yesterday........ and she pointed out to me that sometimes it is "fun" to be forced into something... and that got me thinking.. it is fun .. yeah it is fun sometimes.. and sometimes it even helps to get us over a hump.. BUT how does the Dominant really know what we are saying???

i am thinking with time.. and trust.. and bonding...... that it becomes easier for the Dominant to know when "stop stop" means "go go" ........ but when it is all new.. sorry.. i believe the Dominant should stop the session.. pack everything up.. and then talk about it with the submissive......

This isn't a game...... and if i had the slightest doubt that the submissive was comfortable with what was being done.. i would stop it immediately. And i have........

i believe if every time a submissive did the "stop stop" thing and the Dominant ended the session.. the submissive would soon learn that wasn't the way to get what they wanted.. and everyone would be safe.. sane.. and it would all be consensual.

i also firmly believe if a submissive can't talk about what frightens them ( i was one of those) .. can't talk.. not won't talk.. then they should write down their fears and worries and give it to the Dominant....... be open .. be honest.. and grow ..... forget safe words.. remember honest open communication.

i will now get off my soap box......



2 comments:

CLoud said...

Some times it is just fun to feign fear it adds to being lost in the monument. This would be a situation that I would say a safe word is a good idea . In the moaning and yipes it is good to have a word to say no I am not kidding this is it stop. If I were to have to judge things how would you classify foot stamping or you hit me there twice . The safe word will never stop the monster that is up to you before you get tied up but certainly there are sometimes when no should mean no so a safe word is a good idea like red. Of course I know the one you use stop mother fucker is novel just too long for me.

Whitesnake said...

If the connection is a strong one The Dominant should know when enough is enough.
That's where trust is a must..... Other wise why do it?

But then as a Vanilla maybe I need ta get a better understanding. Thats one reason I come visit.....