Friday, November 27, 2015

Wait !! Wait!!

UGH!!  I slept in this morning............ I NEVER sleep in!!! and what a panic I was in... it was 8:20am ....... I couldn't believe my eyes!!  Even Missy the cat was sitting on my night table starring at me...... when I opened my eyes she yipped at me in that tone she gets and stalked out of the bedroom as only a cat can.

I jumped out of bed and dashed around ....... finally settled on the sofa with my coffee and the computer -- took a breath and realized it really didn't matter if it was 8:20 or 6:20.  I don't have a set in stone schedule !!  (though I do like going to the gym for 9:30)  My heart slowed to a normal rate and I mentally looked at what I had planned for the day.

1) go to the gym
2) .......................................

Ummmmm so seeing as the only thing on the agenda is going to the gym and seeing as there is no one at the gym checking my arrival time............ what's the panic??

I could ........... COULD .. skip the gym -- have a lazy day........... 

BUT nope I have given up lazy days - except for the weekends.  It does my soul good to follow a routine.  And besides I am working so damn hard to do 5 days a week - 10,000 steps a day - I am not gonna make excuses just cause I slept in!!

I know why I slept in.

At 3:00am sharp - my eyes popped open and I started planning Christmas menus........ what to take to Montreal for Christmas Eve - what to make for the Open House on New Year's Day - what time to hold the party on New Year's day ....... maybe 7 to whenever is better - don't have to worry/stress over feeding unknown numbers of people dinner.....going over my baking list (whittling it down - way down from past years) ... checking my shopping list - only a couple of things left to purchase - when to buy the foods for the parties - how soon - do I have space to freeze it all......... the list of questions was endless.  I gave up and went to the living room and sat on the sofa and let my brain do it's wanderings........... Missy the cat sat looking at me like I had lost my mind.  

At 3:30 am I started yawning and realized how stupid this all was.......... not unusual for me .. I do tend to get so excited for Christmas that my sleep patterns get all screwed up for a month or so before the festivities........ always been that way - guess it always will. It's not a bad thing (not great - but not bad) I am excited and loss of sleep just goes hand in hand with that excitement ............. 

AND at least now - I can sleep in - my schedule is mine to tweak and adjust to fit my immediate needs - just so long as I get to the gym and do my 10,000 steps in a day........ 

Another positive to living alone - being the "boss of me"............

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Making a List and checking it twice.........

Nooooooooo I am not talking about a list to Santa Claus........ 

I am talking about a comment mini me left on yesterday's blog Turning Corners........ she said:
 "Since August you have made many large leaps. You should start a list of them, beginning with when you decided it was time to move. I will add the things you might miss "

It was a cute comment and I smiled and moved on - not giving it  much thought.

But this morning I had a small problem with my mouse (the left click button didn't work) and I managed to fix it.  I sat back smiling....... and then I realized how many minor problems I have solved all by myself...... from the DVD player that didn't work - to my phone that wouldn't dial out - to the fire in my living room base board heater.

I have driven alone long distances to unknown cities and didn't die doing it.... I have managed to drive in the dark .. I have gone to munches by myself ... I have taken responsibility for my weight - for what I eat or don't eat - I am feeding myself food I actually like - I faced my cancer test by myself and survived it - I have had my car's emission test done - finding a garage that would do it - I am learning it is ok to decide to do things any time I want to do them - 

I am learning to live alone - and LOVE it !!

And it's interesting to me - when my therapist told me that it was too soon to find someone to share my bed - or my life - it was freeing.  I like - really LIKE - being alone.  And it was like she gave me permission to enjoy this part of my life.  

I am gonna keep adding to this list of things I have accomplished on my own!  I am gonna keep a list of the joys of living alone.  I am gonna be proud of who I am becoming............. cause I think I really truly like this person ! 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Turning corners

I visited with my therapist on Monday this week.  She asked about my anger - at him - but more importantly with myself.  

I told her that the big step / realization I had had this month was that there doesn't have to be a lot of drama anymore - that I can handle things the way I think is best - there are no voices telling me / ordering me to do things this way or that way.  

We talked about how excited I am that I am going home for Christmas - and that I can stay as long as I want - or as short a time as I want - no more catering to anyone but myself.. that I am able to put myself first - and my needs/wants first.  Now that is definitely a learning curve :)

We talked about the positives in my life - like loosing all the weight - the cancer free diagnosis from last week - to good friends who support me and are there for me.   

And we talked about how lonely it is sometimes.  And how folks (some folks) are telling me to get myself out there again - find a "fuck budddy" find a new significant other - make use of my big bedroom ........... and I filled up with tears - cause I told her I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again to get that close to me....when I look down the path I am on now - I don't see myself EVER being with anyone again.  It just feels so much safer being by myself.  No one can ever hurt me again - not like he did.

She jumped in immediately (usually she just lets me ramble on and on -- but not over this) She said it was way too early to be thinking of finding someone - be it a fuck buddy or a significant other.  That was why I can't "see myself" with anyone - it's too soon - I have too many wounds that need to heal - I need to find my courage and my self esteem and learn to love myself again. 

I wish I could believe her - that sometime - somewhere down this path - long winding path - that there will be someone who will love me and appreciate me and want me as much as I want him............... but right now - in this place that I am - I don't see it.  I am feeling too old - too used up.  I didn't tell her that.......... but it is muddling around in my head..... who would want this old lady??? and it makes me very sad... like I have wasted so much of my life........ and now am facing being alone till the end.

As our hour together wound down - she said she thought I had turned a corner with my healing ........... those words have stuck with me........ I don't feel like I have turned any corner!  I will admit to making strides forward - but turning a corner - nope I don't see it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Reality Check

Ok - by now most of you know I am working hard to lose weight..... improve my self esteem - and now get my sugar levels under control before diabetes sets in.  

I have increased my gym visits to 5 days a week - am getting really close to walking 10,000 steps a day - during the week (have managed for the last two weeks to do over 50,000 steps a week) 

I have noticed that my clothes are getting bigger and bigger and have shared a few giggles with mini me when my jeans slipped down....... and she suggested I might need a belt.  I have watched the weight slowly ( VERY slowly) disappear.  And the scales tell me I have todate lost 35 pounds.

I made noises about getting some new pants / underwear but hadn't really done anything about it.  Mainly cause I would like to lose another 25 pounds or so.... and why spend good money on clothes that will just be too big ............. AND I don't think I believed my clothes were THAT big on me.

Anyway that being said ... we seem to have developed a custom in our family where the kids get new Pjs for Christmas.  Last week I was out shopping and landed up in the Pj department of our local Walmart. I had seen they had goofy Pjs on sale and thought I would take a look.......... (though I was sure they wouldn't have a size that would fit me)
I found a "onsie" complete with feet AND the best part - the pattern was Elmo.  Absolutely perfect for granny for Christmas morning - no??? and SO sexy!!!  But they didn't have what I thought was my size.  (le sigh) I took the largest one they had off the rack and held it up to my body.  I thought it might fit ........ and maybe by Christmas I could whittle off a few more pounds and it would be "ok".  

I bought them - but it took me 2 days to try them on........... I had my fingers crossed that I hadn't wasted my money.  These Pjs were 4 sizes smaller than what I had been wearing before my health kick started.  4 sizes!!  Could I even lose what was needed to get them to fit by Christmas??? I pulled them on - zipped them up - and looked in the mirror.  My jaw hit the floor!!  Not only did they fit -- they are a little big!!!

I am clearly down 4 dress sizes!!!  Who knew?? Certainly not me!

So yesterday I went and found the one pair of jeans I have left in my "small" size and a small turtle neck and discovered they fit quite nicely - a little big but do-able.  I felt so proud of myself!!  Who knew I could actually do this!!  I still keep saying "4 sizes smaller -- wow!" 

Now for your viewing pleasure - here is a pic of my sexy Elmo Pjs ............. taken at night with my cell phone - so not the best

Now I am off to the gym - cause there are still 25 pounds that need to go !!

Monday, November 23, 2015


I had a bit of an "eureka" moment this weekend.  (part of the healing process I think) I want to try and explain - to put it down in words so when I waiver I can come back and read this - and set my feet firmly under me and continue on MY path.....

This eureka moment started when I realized how much drama has been in my life for the last few years.  Let me say this first - I do NOT like drama - at all.  It ties me up in knots and makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach.

And it started with a simple malfunction of my DVD player on Saturday night.

There was nothing on television on Saturday night, so I decided to put on Netflix and find a movie or show to watch.  Netflix started to load then the DVD player just locked up and wouldn't work - wouldn't turn off - wouldn't turn on........ it was just in limbo.  I sat staring at it............. what to do?? My stomach knotted up - and I caught myself holding my breath.  I was waiting for the anger - the complaining - for the "woe's is me" for the lashing out verbally and on line.   

BUT  wait................ 

This was my choice now.  I could chose to be angry and upset - or I could choose to walk away and find my peace - and not stress over it.  

That's what I did..... chose peace and calm over drama.  I watched mindless shows on television and ignored the fact the DVD player wasn't working.......... it was not the end of the world... it did not have to create drama - it was my choice how to handle this ............

On Sunday evening - after a fun day at my grandson's birthday - I came home to the peace and quiet of my home.  I looked at the DVD player sitting on the shelf - and decided to try unplugging it and plugging it back in........... EUREKA - the DVD was again working fine - and Netflix came on.

AND a lesson was learned.

It is now my choice how to handle problems - I  can create a whole mess of drama and stress - or I can choose to take the path that leads to calm and quiet.  There are no more voices telling me how I should react to things.. who I should give hell to .... how things should be handled.  It is truly my choice now.

And I discovered I could chose calm and peace - toss the drama out the window and wow what an amazing feeling!!

My life - my choice - my path!