Saturday, February 13, 2016

On Growing up.......

I was sitting last night - reflecting - it has been that sort of week.

For one reason or another I have felt a lot of pain this week - in my heart - in my soul.  

And then I read something on Fetlife - really an inconsequential piece - but it made me remember an online friend "Buffalo" and his writings.  AND how of all the people who have come through my life he was the one who always - ALWAYS - called me on my shit.  Who made me think hard about my words....... my feelings... my thoughts.  

And for some reason - I realized that a lot of the pain and confusion I have had this week - is due to "growing pains".  I have left the sheltered life I have been kept in for years and years..... and I have been making decisions for myself.
Right or wrong - they have been my decisions.  And damn it I have had a whole lot of fun making them!

Regrets - shrug - sure I have regrets - but they won't hold me back - they'll just show me what to do or not do the next time.

Buffalo dear friend - you are still sitting on my shoulder calling me on my shit (small smile) and I hope you still come to read here occasionally and know I think of you.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Days and Days and MORE Days!!

I was chatting with a friend last evening - and we were both moaning about how long the month of February is............ after all it isn't even the middle of the month yet!!  AND - more angst - Febuary has an extra day this year!!!

Why is it that the shortest month of the year feels the longest??!!!

Anyone who reads here relatively regularly knows I am not the most patient person - I wasn't a patient subbie (which often landed me up in trouble) wasn't a patient patient........ I am not the world's most patient person.

I get antsy........ my favourite word this month ANTSY!

I am happiest when at least half the squares of every month has a little notation of something...... February's little squares are virtually blank.............. 

Mind you there are a couple of things coming - the 20th and the 27th - a munch and a play party............. 

Will I last that long?!!!! 

And for anyone interested - like a lil child - I do NOT like the word soon!!  It's a bit like the old "5 minutes more" which really had no meaning - it could last forever or end too soon.

I think I just need February to end - NOW!  



my horoscope just said I should party - throw caution to the wind and live on the wild side........  (laughing) it's like it read my mind!!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Internal Struggles

It has been a long time........ a really long time ......... since the masochist in me got to come out and play.  

It took such a long time to stuff those feelings inside and lock them up ....... such a long time. 

And now they're back.

And it f**king scares me.

I remember those days of pure masochism....... the memories are coming back - flooding back.  

I remember the ups and downs of those days........... of loving the pain and hating it  almost in the same moment.

I remember looking at the marks on my body the day after ....... and hating myself.  And then caressing the marks and loving them.

But mostly I remember the endorphin junkie - between play times... I remember the need growing and growing till it nearly drove me mad.  There is no controlling that need...... it is what it is.

I have to learn how to live with these internal struggles ........ again.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Holding Pattern

Have you ever noticed how much of life is a "holding pattern" - just waiting around for ............. whatever???

AND you can be busy - busy doing "stuff"  but at the end of the day when everything is quietly slipping into dream land  -- or early in the morning when the world still slumbers on - and your sipping your first coffee of the day -  your mind is checking the status of the holding pattern.

2 more days till the weekend

6 more days till the doctor's appointment

2 weeks till the party

2 weeks till pay day

10 days till the lunch date 

3 months till spring (well guaranteed spring)

All the best gurus say we should live in the moment.  Enjoy each moment of each day ....... cause you aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

I say screw that!!!

I believe the "holding patterns" in my life take it from mundane to fun!!  Looking forward to something ...... what ever that something is (well except for doctor's appointments) - is what makes life exciting - keeps me fresh and cheeky and full of life........... 

'Cause truthfully this is my motto............ 

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Finding my bits and pieces Again!

I am remembering why this "dating" thing - this "playing well with others" thing was hard many years ago............. and I guess in some ways I am running backwards while I am moving forwards............ 

The date I had on Friday was a play date - with dinner thrown in - and then more play.  


Long Play

Fun play 

I trust him enough now - to really let go  -- to let my fairies come and coax me out to play......... to let go completely and totally.......... not an easy thing for me to do..... but i trust him that much.

When we went to the munch (dinner) I was quite truthfully as high as a kite.  Mini me said it was like I was a little drunk - I was in good form ........ another friend whispered in my ear "have you been playing this afternoon" .... so yeah I was that high on endorphins.


it wasn't over ........ 

There was more play after we got home from the munch.


Long Play

Fun Play.

And in that moment - when the endorphins are coursing through my blood - and my mind is just mush ...... there are no warning bells - no common sense - no judgement - all my inhibitions are down ..............and sometimes I ask for ........... beg for........push my limits - test me - push push push!!

And when it's over - 
when all the hard play is done 
when all the long play comes to an end
when all the fun is over 

He leaves.

And I am left to ground myself........ to piece myself back together.  

It used to be that way - years and years ago........... and then I wasn't alone and it wasn't really a problem.  The day or two after  -- when I questioned myself - called myself names - put myself down ....... W was there to hold me and hug me and soothe me and help me put the pieces back together.....

AND yes I play THAT hard!

It's hard sometimes when you are alone - to find all those tiny pieces that got knocked about and dislodged - to find them and stick 'em back in........... 

hot baths and meditation and soothing music and even chocolate works - until it doesn't.  And the monsters inside are still walking all over my soul............. and I feel lost and confused.

AND I know - this IS what I want - I want to play nicely with others - lots and lots of others.......

AND I know I want to let go - I want to push my limits -- I want to embrace those monsters and defy them  -- I want - NO -- I NEED to play hard and long - I need to feel drained and marked and hurting when it is over.  


Cause whether I like to say the word or not.......... I am a masochist!