Monday, May 02, 2016

Sometimes I screw up

Sometimes i screw up - shock shock!! morningstar screws up?? Say it can't be!!

Seriously it's probably my ego that gets me into trouble.
morningstar has an ego - Say it aint so!!!

Sometimes I think my words can explain - or help to explain - some common happening in BDSM........ sorta like my bit on sub drop on Saturday.
(screw up - putting my innermost feelings OUT THERE)

I do frequently read about subs suffering through subdrop - and they sound alone - much like my post did on Saturday - and so I write something from the heart - and put it out there - so anyone can read - and know they aren't the only ones.
(ego - thinking my words might help someone) 

The thing some people don't get is that 1) by the time a piece goes up here -- the angst/confusion/pain/whatever is generally over...... or almost over - and I am fine - moving forward.

I am thinking - after the firestorm from Saturday's writing - that I will take my ego and my emotional writings and keep them to myself........ I DID learn one thing from Saturday's post - I do NOT handle being under a microscope well - AND I don't have any answers!  (well not for anyone BUT me!!)

AND just to clarify - I do NOT do sub drop like that all the time - in fact - most of the time now I don't do sub drop at all........

Sunday, May 01, 2016

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Sometimes it's just BAD

Sometimes - rarely - but sometimes I just free fall from an endorphin high into a darkness that is so dark - it's hard to find the ground.  I limp around blindly trying to feel the ground under my feet - trying to feel 'solid' again - trying to get past the bad hurt that is sometimes left - a physical pain that reaches deep inside me with nails drawn and squeezes and twists -- a metaphorical pain that tears my soul into pieces and leaves me feeling very lost and very alone - and very scared...... questioning myself.

I search my mind for something - ANYTHING - that will make me a solid again - that will help the pain ease - help me find the grounding I so desperately need.  I run lists of things through my head - things every sub learns when they are new - hot baths - chocolate - comfort foods - hugs - gentle loving sex.............. but the bottom line is no one can fix the darkness - take the pain away - heal the physical pain.  Time will heal it - eventually.

BUT in the meantime - you have to bang your toes in the darkness - grind your teeth through the physical pain - cry oceans of tears through the emotional pain... 

Until you see a small light at the end of the tunnel - and you slowly start to move towards it - painfully - slowly - step by slow step................ 

Friday, April 29, 2016


It's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep.  Sometimes my mind and body goes where it wants - deep and dark - this is one of those times.

know what it means??? It's certainly not SSC or RACK or whatever the latest acronym is to try and explain away what it is we do.

No - R.A.S.H. means  Risk Aware Shit Happens

I like that one!  After 30 years plus of playing - and playing hard - I have had more than a few incidents of Shit Happens. and mostly I take full responsibility for it.  I knew the risks going in........ I am not saying "my fault" I am just saying "shit happens"

I have noticed over the last couple of months - that my ass specifically - is showing the signs of playing hard.  I have marks - marks that aren't disappearing... I am assuming they are permanent and they bother me just a little bit.  It's one thing to have bruising to proudly display - it's quite another to have marks that decorate the skin forever.  These scars are reminders not of how much I took - but how foolish I was.  And it's never fun to be reminded that you were foolish.

I've got another Shit Happens to add to the list.

Sub drop.

I have always been this "tough old bird" - I don't need or want after care I say - I will take care of it on my own.  I do not like pillow fluffing - or coddling.  I will do this on my own thank you very much!!

But ya know - sometimes when it hurts so deep - and nothing helps - when you apply all the creams and lotions that are on the market to take away the hurts.. and they don't work .. and your voices in your head start talking to you ... and the self doubts come bubbling to the surface...... THEN it would be nice to be held and stroked a little bit.. to know you made them proud...and if they could they would take away the pain - both the physical and the mental.

Sometimes - just some times - it's hard to be the "tough old bird" who can take care of herself.

Thursday, April 28, 2016


Eleven years ago today I wrote my first auspicious entry in "The Journey" 

I have written 3,113 entries in 4015 days - only missing 902 days - god only knows how many words that comes out to - but I am thinking a lot!

Those of you who have been with me since the beginning (and there are a couple of you) you have heard about my kids - my teaching - my illnesses and operations - you have suffered through my many periods of angst - my struggles with submission - my joys with submission - you have watched The Journey disappear and re-appear 

And you have cheered me on - offered advise - and support - you have cried with me and laughed me and even once in awhile kicked my ass.

I never know how many more words are in me... sometimes I think I have run dry - but something brings me back here day after day -  year after year after year (small smile) 

Here's to, at the very least, another year of The Journey - the good the bad and the ugly.