Friday, July 20, 2018


I am trying to be very 'zen' today.......

Yesterday was a good day....... I did everything I wanted to ........ Sir Steve ordered pizza for dinner...... and even brought home my favourite marshmallow cookies (that I have been trying to avoid so that those 10 pounds will stay off for the wedding -- now I need self control right? grinning)

Today I have a half day to myself -- the lil one will be coming over around 1 p.m. to spend the next week with us.  Which means there won't be a whole lot of 'adult' time if any.......... (big sigh) ......somehow once every two weeks isn't cutting it for me....... 


for today I am trying to be 'zen' ........ breathe out the stress breathe in the peace


Thursday, July 19, 2018

Good Day

Sometimes I think I wallow in the lows -- refusing to see the positives -- being negative and down and yeah -- jealous.

This morning (despite another bad night's sleep) I woke up and decided that today would be a GOOD DAY ...... I will pull myself up by my boot straps -- give myself a slap across the back of the head -- and just get on with living....... 

There is nothing I can do about the other family -- I can choose to let them get to me (which kinda means they win right?) or I can choose to have a good day....... 

for today I will have a good day!!

It helps that Sir  Steve has promised me pizza for supper so I don't have to think about meals or cooking !!!

Tomorrow -- shrug -- who knows what kind of day it will be -- all that matters right now is that TODAY will be a good day!

Wednesday, July 18, 2018


I had the little one all last week -- for 10 hours a day alone.

We worked out quite a routine..... after breakfast and getting dressed and tidying up the trailer -- she wrote an entry in her 'journal'.... something she enjoyed from the day before.

Then by 10 a.m. we had packed up the sand toys and headed off to the beach where she made me lemon soup and lemon tea and lemon pies all out of sand and mud.... 

By noon we were home to make lunch

By 1:15 we were heading down to the rec hall for arts and crafts till 2:00 and then we went to the swimming pool till about 4

Then we headed home for a snack and quiet time before 'Daddy' came home and supper.

From Monday to Friday (1:00 p.m. exchange time)

Every single day

Whether I felt like it or not.

This week I have watched as mother has pawned her off on neighbours and an aunt.  I have even seen the lil one get herself to arts and crafts alone cause mother went shopping with the grandmother.  I have watched her turn into a 'street kid'.....

And I have become the green eyed monster -- jealous of the mother's ability to dump her child.......... to do nothing with her child............. I wish I could just dump her too (NO I don't but sometimes it feels like it !!)

Last night in a rant with Sir Steve I said "I should file for full custody of the lil one cause I spend more time with her than any of them!"

And that was an unfair rant cause there is nothing Sir Steve can do 
There is nothing anyone can do

I HATE that this green eyed monster has taken hold of my heart...........

Tuesday, July 17, 2018


By last week it felt as though the passion had taken an extended leave from our relationship (what with my being sick and then my feeling like the 'nanny') 

The play on Saturday night really helped -- for me there is something very sensuous in whips and floggers and paddles ....... feeling his strength -- riding the pain to euphoria........ I whispered I needed sex -- needed him -- and he promised..........


I had hoped for Sunday morning -- or maybe a Sunday afternoon delight -- but Sunday trudged by and there were no overtures on his part..... and my desire was quickly evaporating......... 

with the evaporation came a sadness..... an emptiness........ a loneliness.

Sunday evening was a parade of visitors to our campsite........ sitting on the deck enjoying the sunset -- talking with friends and family........ and my loneliness .. my isolation grew. 

When we came inside he kinda followed me around -- and I thought ... no I knew.. he was gonna suggest going to the bedroom -- but what little passion I had had was gone.... dried up dryer than than the Sahara Desert.

He politely - formally -- asked me if I wanted to join him in the bedroom..... I didn't know how to answer him!  If he had asked in the morning -- even in the afternoon -- I probably would have raced him there -- but by 9 p.m............ there was no race left in my body.

I answered him off hand -- 'we can try'.

He knew ... he always does!  and so he pulled out the knives .... and had me lay on my tummy while he drew pretty patterns up and down my back.. my ass... my legs with the blade.  My body cannot ignore those feelings and soon I was wiggling and wishing I knew how to stop him and pull him onto me.......... I was needing him... badly.

When I finally partially rolled over -- in the dim lighting -- the first thing I saw was him --rock hard -- dear god it was huge!! I think I had forgotten (small smile) and I knew I needed him in me immediately!

He smiled -- leaning over me -- positioning himself -- teasing me with just the tip... slowly pushing into me -- making me moan and wiggle ... making me want him -- all of him NOW!

After -- lying in his arms my tears of joy drying on my face and on his chest he whispered 'again this week I promise' -- I know this week will sap his energy and his strength -- I know it'll probably be another week or so (the lil one is back with us starting on Friday) BUT it's ok -- cause we have found our passion again....... 

and life is very good when there is passion.............




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