Yesterday I woke up believing it was truly a new day - a new beginning. And it felt pretty damn good! I'll explain briefly.... On Thursday W had sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The flowers didn't do much to lifting my spirits - BUT - the note attached did. I honestly believed we had a chance ....... a chance to be friends ..... a chance to share confidences and a meal or two - share laughter and friendship.
I did some chores and decided to go explore this new neighbourhood...... pulled on my running shoes and off I went. My heart was light - the sun was shining - everything looked so much brighter.
Just around the corner from here I actually found a small nature walk.... YIPEEEE!!!
I explored a bit more then headed back to the apartment. I stopped to pick up my mail - something I tend to forget to do ........ and in the mail was an envelope from W.
When I opened it - there was a bill !!! for 17 days of household expenses. I honestly couldn't believe it.......... it was like a slap in the face. I will NOT go into why I thought it was grossly unfair - not important - suffice it to say.... me and my damn rose coloured glasses tend to see the world a wee bit differently than anyone else.
Honestly it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.... worked me over.
I curled up on the sofa in the living room and couldn't move. could NOT ..... would NOT...
I kept trying to give myself a pep talk - I kept trying to pull myself up by the boot straps...
I was angry (god was I angry!!) and I felt betrayed...... and I realized I had to just give in........
I had had some fun plans for the weekend - I cancelled them ...... I had hit the wall - both emotionally and physically and there was nothing to do but let it run it's course... my emotions were running the show and I had no control. (which if anyone is interested - is NOT a place I like to find myself!!)
A few folks checked in on me - wanted to know why I cancelled - what the hell was wrong (cause mostly all I did was cry - and god I HATE it when I cry) I just kept saying over and over - "I have hit the wall - emotionally and physically".
Both daughters talked to me .......... and still I couldn't move -
Some time during late evening - or maybe during the night - a memory floated back to me... a memory of driving home from my mother's funeral - feeling pretty much like I was feeling over W. I made a promise to myself then that I was NOT going to allow her to hurt me anymore. And I made that same promise to myself over W.
The damn household bill for 17 days will be paid and that will be the end of it. E.N.D.
I will not allow anyone - ANYONE - to control me like that again - to get inside my head - to know my buttons - to know my most inner feelings - secrets - insecurities ever again.
I WILL find my own back from this emotional and physical collapse ............ and will be stronger and wiser for this "lesson learned".