zen

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Friday, August 01, 2014

H.O.G.

They say ya learn something new every day.  Well last weekend at the Harley Rally I learned that HOGS - which I always thought was plain old slang for motorcycles - actually stands for Harley Owners Group.  Wow who knew?? ok most of you I am betting - I am just a slow learner 

Anyway I did take pictures of the bikes - my "artsy fartsy" style...........
















they also had motor cross riders doing tricks and stunts which mesmerized me - never seen them in real life and when I have seen them on television I tend to switch channels...... 















Thursday, July 31, 2014

Faces

On the weekend here in Kingston there was the Great Canadian Rally.  Over 1000 Harley Davidsons and their owners blew into town for 3 days.  On the Saturday W dropped me off in town (parking was next to impossible and he had other things to do) so I could wander round and take pictures.

When I came home and was going over the pictures I had shot I realized I had some good shots of people - faces in the crowd.  Normally I don't capture (or feel I don't capture) good shots of random people.  This time I saw a lot of character in my shots - a lot of interest.

Here are just a few of the Faces from the day...............











 










Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Confused

A week ago W and I had words - W yelled - my heart broke.  He bought me flowers I bought him an anniversary gift.







I was going to wrap it all up and put cute little explanatory notes on each of them... on the gag I was going to write - 'for those times I open my mouth and say all the wrong things - all the unsubbie things I shouldn't say'.  On the paddle I was going to write - 'to re-enforce correct subbie behaviour'. 

Then sometime on Sunday W posted publicly on FetLife that he had lost the interest/pleasure in beating me... that it didn't fill a need for him anymore......... I went into shock.

In part this is what he wrote:

"Once again morningstar is sitting crying/upset butt knot from getting a beating that her ass so very much needs and wants butt it is ALL because of Me. Y/you see I lost the desire, want, need, pleasure to give her that beating and have for a little while.
Now let Me make it VERY CLEAR IT ISN'T HER FAULT, with the exception every time she gets " pissed off, upset, teary eyed ( My words ) " it sends Me down even lower because I am knot servicing her, butt she is still servicing Mine.
I am trying to work it out, butt it is hard when one doesn't have the trusted back-up I use to have or most likely ever have again."

 I didn't think about my anniversary gift until it was too late to return it.  So on Tuesday morning I gave him a bag with the two gifts inside - with the prices still on them and the bill in my hand.  I said "If you wish to return them do so and buy yourself something you really want - maybe something for your train set up"

Instead he created the picture (above) and posted it to Fetlife,.  He tried the paddle out on my ass. And he gave me my gift.............one of the figurines I collect - a little girl holding her cat



Then after a miserable day where my car didn't start and I had to call roadside assistance and take the damn thing to the garage - I wanted a barbq chicken (like I used to buy in Montreal ) for dinner and couldn't find the same ones...... we finished off the day eating supper in front of the television.

I am confused and feeling lost.  I feel there is something wrong - and IF there is something wrong then - as the submissive - I must be responsible - and yes I know how stupid that sounds - how illogical !!!  BUT I can't help what I feel - nor can I turn those feelings off.

So who knows what the next 12 years holds for us - hell who knows what the next few days hold for us........ I just know I love W with all my heart.......... and I wish I could fix whatever is going on............

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Anniversary

It' s our anniversary today - 12 years.  

Well at least  we think it is 12 years.  Funny thing about our Anniversary - we were really good at keeping tracking - especially when W would carve the year into my breasts...but somewhere around year 9 we kinda/sorta lost track.  We always celebrated but would often mumble and grumble and debate which anniversary it was.

When W moved here to Kingston he came across an X-rated coffee mug I made him for our second anniversary ........... So this morning we pulled it out - did the math and established it really truly is 12 years together.

I was thinking this past week -  our 12 years together haven't been any "50 Shades" romance novel - but they have been REAL!  and will continue to be real - with all the ups and downs that come with it.

I love You Sir........... for now and always.

Sunday, July 27, 2014