zen

zen

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sunday Sentiments


how true is that!!??  I am very thankful for all my friends and family who are there for me.. so very thankful!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

And so it begins again - edited

 I am sorry - to avoid TMI - it seems I have led some of you to believe I am having a hysterectomy.  They haven't got that far in their diagnosis process yet.

They are going to remove all the lining from my uterus in the hopes of discovering why after 15+ years of being post menopausal I am once again having (semi) regular periods.  They will be doing a thorough test of the lining to see if cancer cells are there hiding from the mundane routine tests.  

And thank you all for your support and kind words...  I don't feel quite so alone now.

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I am not sure who remembers a year ago here on The Journey........ But almost a year to the day I went into hospital to have cancer surgery.  

And being a good lil patient - I have been going for my checkups regularly.

BUT a year ago when they found the cancer - I had a second growth - this one in my uterus - that they removed - declared it benign.  But the symptoms never disappeared.

I have been to see yet another specialist.... tried some pills ..... but the symptoms continue.  When I last saw the specialist she suggested surgery...... in 6 - 8 weeks.  It is so easy to forget those things when you have almost 2 months to wait.

Well I got the call yesterday.  I am going into hospital next Tuesday for the surgery.  Today I got the call - pre op tests on Friday....... 

One year almost to the day ......... and so it begins again.........

(whispering) I am very scared you know.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Hard Knock Life






"fuck it - it HAS to get better"




This morning I awoke with the song "The sun will come out tomorrow............." from Annie,  going round and round in my head.  I have no idea why - my god it's bleak and grey and rainy ......... but for whatever reason I believe the sun will come out ...............maybe not today - maybe not even tomorrow but it will come out.

I went to a munch on Saturday evening.  Now that in itself is not a big thing.  The fact that I drove myself to the munch - an hour and a bit away - and actually found the restaurant was a BIG thing.  That I had fun - and was cheeky - and bratty - was another BIG thing,   

But the biggest thing that happened ........ someone wrote me on Sunday and said "I was so proud of you" a simple sentence that brought tears to my eyes.  It's been so long since anyone has been proud of me........ and my submissive heart melted.. then soared.  It's stupid really that that line - from almost a stranger - could make me feel so damn good..........but it did.  It was food for a starving soul.

I don't know what lies ahead - and my OCD is raging - bringing bouts of anxiety that are testing even my limits.  But I am beginning to believe that the sun WILL come out.............   

 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Worst Part






I miss the laughing and the teasing - and the spanks over the kitchen counter.
I miss the spontaneous "lets go to the States" or "lets go to the Casino"
I miss the talking and the sharing and the gossip.

BUT most of all -  the worst part -

I miss you holding me when I am scared or sad or lonely
The need for human contact just swells up - the sadness is so deep I need your hug - like in the old days - need to feel your strength flowing into my body - need to hear your soft words in my ear saying it will be ok - need to feel your hands stroking my back.....

that's the worst part 
that's what I miss the most