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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Collapse






Yesterday I woke up believing it was truly a new day - a new beginning.    And it felt pretty damn good!  I'll explain briefly.... On Thursday W had sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  The flowers didn't do much to lifting my spirits - BUT - the note attached did.  I honestly believed we had a chance ....... a chance to be friends ..... a chance to share confidences and a meal or two - share laughter and friendship. 
 

I did some chores and decided to go explore this new neighbourhood...... pulled on my running shoes and off I went. My heart was light - the sun was shining - everything looked so much brighter.  

Just around the corner from here I actually found a small nature walk.... YIPEEEE!!!



I explored a bit more then headed back to the apartment.  I stopped to pick up my mail - something I tend to forget to do ........ and in the mail was an envelope from W.

When I opened it - there was a bill !!!  for 17 days of household expenses. I honestly couldn't believe it.......... it was like a slap in the face.  I will NOT go into why I thought it was grossly unfair - not important - suffice it to say.... me and my damn rose coloured glasses tend to see the world a wee bit differently than anyone else.

Honestly it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.... worked me over.   

I curled up on the sofa in the living room and couldn't move.  could NOT ..... would NOT... 

I kept trying to give myself a pep talk - I kept trying to pull myself up by the boot straps... 

I was angry (god was I angry!!)  and I felt betrayed...... and I realized I had to just give in........  

I had had some fun plans for the weekend - I cancelled them ...... I had hit the wall - both emotionally and physically and there was nothing to do but let it run it's course... my emotions were running the show and I had no control.  (which if anyone is interested - is NOT a place I like to find myself!!)

A few folks checked in on me - wanted to know why I cancelled - what the hell was wrong (cause mostly all I did was cry - and god I HATE it when I cry) I just kept saying over and over - "I have hit the wall - emotionally and physically".

Both daughters talked to me .......... and still I couldn't move -

Some time during late evening - or maybe during the night - a memory floated back to me... a memory of driving home from my mother's funeral - feeling pretty much like I was feeling over W.  I made a promise to myself then that I was NOT going to allow her to hurt me anymore.  And I made that same promise to myself over W. 

 The damn household bill for 17 days will be paid and that will be the end of it.  E.N.D.

I will not allow anyone - ANYONE - to control me like that again - to get inside my head - to know my buttons - to know my most inner feelings - secrets - insecurities ever again. 

I WILL find my own back from this emotional and physical collapse ............ and will be stronger and wiser for this "lesson learned".





 

Friday, August 28, 2015

Adjusting

I have lived in an apartment only once in my life time - when I was first married some 30+ years ago.  I honestly don't remember too much of apartment life.  After that brief stint (about 2 years) we moved into a home.  And I have always lived in a house since then.............. 

All that to say - it is taking some adjustment to be living in an apartment now.  The first thing I noticed is how dark the apartment is.  Of course!!  I only have windows on one side of my living space.....  Fortunately I haven't noticed cooking odors in the hallway and thankfully my neighbours are very quiet.......... 

This morning I am doing my first load of laundry in the laundry room - again fortunately - there is a laundry room on each floor - so I don't have to trek down to some dark dingy basement 

But I am not the only one having to adjust to apartment life.  Miss Ashes is having a tough time.  At the house - every morning  - she would join me on the front deck early in the morning for my first cup of coffee and cigarette.  When I would come back in - she would automatically head for the back door and get very verbal if I didn't move fast enough to get the door open and set her free to explore the back yard.  This summer she has spent most of her day outside........... only coming to the back door when she wanted food/water or the litter box, and then going right back outside.

Each morning - here at the apartment - she joins me on the balcony for my first cup of coffee in the morning........ and then........... she wanders around the apartment nattering at me.  I swear she is looking for the back door and her big adventurous back yard.  She has figured out that maybe the front door leads somewhere - maybe her back yard??? BUT "mom" is mean and nasty and won't open it and let her out.

Yesterday I took some pictures of Miss Ashes grumbling on the balcony............

 
doesn't she look impressed with her caged view of the world????

BUT she has discovered - just beyond those bars is a whole green world - filled with squirrels, bugs, birds, and hidey holes.............



IF she could only slip away......... (le sigh) 

but she is very good - when I see a paw go through the bars I say sternly "Missy!!!" and the paw comes back in - and she grumbles and gives me dirty looks but she listens.  Someone suggested I get a leash for her and take her for a walk - right - would work except Miss Priss does NOT like leashes in any shape or form - and HATES collars.  So she is confined to the balcony.

Side note here - I wondered what had her attention yesterday..... and discovered she had found a new "creature".............. 



watching the lil caterpillar kept her amused for all of 2 minutes.... (grinning) 

We'll both adjust ...... and find our way through this new  journey 

 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

New Day



I am really hoping that I can take today and make it a new day - a new beginning.  

These past few weeks have been more difficult than I thought........I realize I have lost a lot of my joie de vivre - my cheekiness - my self confidence. 

My head hurts

My heart hurts

BUT I want today to be a new beginning....... I do!!  I do !!  I do !!

 

Monday, August 24, 2015

Come Visit

Slowly - very slowly - things are starting to come together.  Yesterday some good friends - who are moving in 2 months came and collected ALL the boxes and ALL the packing paper and gave me back my home!!  YAY!!  (I do hate clutter!)

At the very beginning of this new adventure - I came to the apartment - when it was clean and spotless and empty and took pictures..... I finally remembered to take before shots - so that I can have "after" shots :)

Today I thought I would take you all on a little tour round my lil home.... empty.  Then when I finally get everything into place - exactly where I want it - finally get ALL the pictures up ....... I will take "after" shots and you can see the difference

But...........

for today - it's the BEFORE shots......

 This shot is looking at the entry way 



This is the world's smallest kitchen 




 The apartment management team left me a gift basket 


This is the living room (a bit dark I know and I apologize)
with the patio doors to my balcony



 turn right around and you are looking at the dining room


from the living room you look straight down the hallway to the bedrooms and bathroom



First bedroom on your right is the spare/guest room



This is the master bedroom

one angle in the bathroom



the opposite angle showing the sink 


and last but not least - an insuite storage cupboard for all those Christmas decorations!!!

And that dear friends is my new home ........... I promise soon - sooner - soonest to be able to share with you all the finished product!!!


 

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Impossible - you say!?

Meet Penelope the Piggie

"With her head-strong determination and good fortune, Penelope is the perfect depiction of overcoming impossible odds!
Her personal war against anyone using the phrase 'When pigs fly!' has brought much abundance and prosperity !"

Eldest daughter gave Penelope the Piggy to me yesterday....... 

So now I know - when everything looks bleak - that Pigs CAN fly and I will push forward without hesitation.  Seemed like a rather appropriate Sunday Sentiment - don't ya think??