Friday, June 24, 2016


There are gonna be some changes in my life....... it started yesterday with my taking my Fetlife profile down............. so if you are looking for me over there you won't find me 

I have some work to do on me -- and I am going to do it -- 

know why??

Because it's way past time I put myself first -- simple as that!

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Symbolic message

It was suggested to me early yesterday morning that I get a strip of paper -- write a specific message on it and carry it on me all day - right up till bedtime.  

The concept made me smile ...... it was (I thought) a way of keeping me focused / grounded and a little bit curious.  

Half way through the morning I got another message that clearly explained the symbolic message I was carrying.  I laughed out loud -- some people have breath taking ways of focusing my mind.

The rest of the day seemed easier in many ways -- I had only to feel the strip of paper to refocus my mind........not sure that it focused exactly on what I should have been dealing with -- but it was focused !!

Yesterday was a lesson (in many different ways) on how a simple suggestion can redirect one's thinking - one's way of overcoming -- and how clever some people are!


Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Finding My Truth

There is a Cherokee legend that goes like this.......... 

"An old grandfather said to his grandson who came to him with anger at someone who had done him an injustice.  Let me tell you a story.......

I too at times have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do,  But hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy.  It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy dead.

I have struggled with these feelings many times.

He continued -- It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does me no harm.  He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended.  He will only fight when it is right to do so and will only fight in the right way.

But the other wolf - ah - he is full of anger.  The littlest thing will send him into a fit of temper.  He fights everyone. all the time, for no reason.  He can not think because his anger and hate is so great.  It is helpless anger for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside of me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.  

The boy looked  intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked -- Which one wins Grandfather?

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said -- The one I feed." 

Which one do you feed?

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Finding the Truth

Sometimes I doubt myself -- I was taught that if everyone else disagrees with you -- what makes you think you are right.

So thanks to that slightly skewered training -- I tend to believe when I don't agree with a situation I shut up because I must be wrong right?? 

Until recently I have never actually been part of a poly relationship -- but I have witnessed some good poly relationships and had a vague idea of what they should look like / feel like.

I know no partner in a poly should feel manipulated - or lied to - or made to feel less...... 

I know that though poly partners do not have to be together 100% of the time -- that some time together - some time laughing and sharing and being FRIENDS goes a long way to building a strong relationship for everyone. 

I believe respect is an important part of a poly relationship -- respect for each person involved in it.

I believe it is not a competition either -- it should be team work - where everyone works together for the best of the GROUP -- not the best for ONE.  As a coach once said "There is no*I* in the word TEAM"

I honestly believe (now) that the important thing about poly is caring about each member in the relationship -- equally.  The one with the cock does not deserve the most of the attention....... The ones with the pussies do not plot and plan and scheme to have the most attention from the 'cock of the walk' .  The stronger the leadership the less disquiet in the group.

I have been told to walk away from the poly group I was in.  It wasn't a big surprise.  I have felt the hand on my back pushing me further and further away -- and I didn't fight it.  It just got to a point that I realized it wasn't worth it -- it wasn't a poly group -- it felt a whole lot more like a competition -- and I don't DO competitions.

There may be a name for what I was involved in -- but poly wasn't it.  Open relationship maybe??? but definitely not poly -- not by my definition of poly. 

I will continue learning what poly really means - what poly really looks like and feels like... and I am confident I will find the right fit for me -- where I feel valued and cared for and loved by ALL members of the group.... I will find a poly relationship where there are no secrets - where openness and honesty is an important foundation for the growth of the group.  Where there is real communication - not manipulation.  

And then I will have come home............


Monday, June 20, 2016

A Quiet Moment in Time

It was late and dark as I climbed in my car to do the long drive home.

My mind was reviewing the evening - feeling the knots of discomfort -- feeling the awkwardness ......... and then I caught a whiff of a scent... 

My senses heightened -- it was in my hair and across my shoulders. A small smile came to my face - the awkwardness and the discomfort disappeared .  In it's place was the memory of his scent....... of his soft voice speaking soft words ... of his strong arms pulling me close in a hug - soft words apologizing for not being able to fix it ... calm words - strong arms and a soft kiss.

The drive home was not so long anymore - or so miserable -- his scent was with me and I felt surrounded by his calm and his peace and his strength.