Thursday, May 26, 2016
When I was teaching I had, what one principal called, "tremendous intuition" - always knowing which child/family needed 'guidance' before any tale tell signs were visible.
I used to shrug - I just called it a gut feeling. And yes I will admit after 30 years of working I had to admit I was right 99% of the time - but had no explanation. Sometimes I wondered if it was just because of my own childhood -- that I could feel a child's deep inner pain. It just wasn't something I thought about much.
I was trying to explain something recently - about my "noticing things" and I said everyone has patterns - habits - whatever you want to call them - unconscious things they do - and I see when those habits change. It seems glaringly obvious to me - but I am learning - it is not as obvious to others.
I seem to instinctively know when someone is lying - or hurting - or is "off" somehow or other. (probably because their patterns/habits change slightly) There are times when I have been out in a crowd that I come home exhausted, drained and sometimes feeling overly emotional. There are days that I prefer my own company and will vigorously avoid people.
Yesterday I had another appointment with my therapist -
still -- yes !!! and she asked me if I knew the meaning of the word "empath". I thought she meant empathy - cause we were discussing how I react to people ....... but no she meant "empath". Angel has talked to me about a friend of hers who is an empath. So yeah I knew what it meant - I did google the definition after the discussion with Angel and did some research. My therapist seems to think that a lot of my "symptoms" may stem from this empath thing. To be honest with you - in my head - I pooh poohed the whole notion. It just sounds a wee bit too "new age" for this old bird.
It wasn't a bad session with my therapist - lots of stuff to think about - "homework" I like to call it. And when I got home I went for another walk in the sunshine -- finding that peace I had the other day. BUT when I got home - sitting quietly in my living room thinking I should go water my fairy garden........ suddenly - I had this huge knot in my stomach - and I literally felt sick - and worried.......... a short while later I got an email - as i read it - the sick feeling got worse and worse... my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking - and I felt like crying - it felt like I was having an anxiety attack.
I have been thinking since that email about this whole empath thing. I just kind of think it's too easy an explanation for years of unexplained anxiety - unexplained agoraphobia - unexplained periods of exhaustion and unexplained stress....... my need for quiet -- my need for solitude.
IF - and trust me it is a BIG IF - this empath is really a "thing" - is there a cure?? cause I really would like to stop feeling so painfully deeply..... stop seeing people's patterns/habits -- stop feeling like I need to run and hide some days.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Yesterday was a good day - the good days are happening more than the bad ones these days - which is a very good thing. It was an ordinary day in most respects - gym, messages, tasks done........ nothing out of the ordinary.
Spring has truly finally arrived here in the Great White North... so after my lunch I decided to go for a long walk in the sunshine... soak in some of the warmth
As I was walking I realized I was very peaceful inside -- a calm had settled over my heart. I almost didn't recognise the feeling. It has been that long since I had such a deep abiding peace.
And as I walked I did some serious re-evaluating of myself - of my almost kinetic energy these last couple of months. I have thought some harsh things about myself just recently - I even voiced them to Angel - and the words made me feel sick to my stomach -- but they were true feelings - if not exactly true words.
BUT on my walk I realized that it is time for yet another change in my life. I do miss the calm that I used to have - the grounding I used to have ....... and I realized no one can give me back that calm - that grounding - but I can create it for myself.
Today hopefully will be another peaceful day - I will work at it
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
On Sunday Angel and I were sitting on my balcony discussing the kink community and fat shaming, skinny shaming, sex shaming any and all forms of shaming.
You know what really gets me going - age shaming. I have reached a glorious NUMBER that makes me - in some people's opinion - OLD. I think I was gob smacked the first time, a few years ago, when someone made a crack about my age. BUT as the years pass, I am hearing it more and more - that I am old. It isn't even a statement of fact - I might be able to tolerate that - it feels more like a put down.
It has been insinuated that I am too OLD to play - too OLD to serve - just plain TOO OLD.
On Sunday I asked Angel how many people we know in the lifestyle over the age of 60...... there seems to be some magic to that number. Honestly we could only think of a handful. I wondered out loud if all the cracks about being old had just worn them down..... and they had "disappeared". And it bothered me. Are people just expecting me to "disappear"???
I don't know (see me shrugging) I guess I always thought maturity and experience counted for something. Perhaps I was wrong. And let's get one thing straight - maturity and experience does not always come with a NUMBER! But I like to think in my case it does.
So....if you're looking for me - I won't be "disappearing" any time soon.... I'll just be sitting over here with my attitude, quietly watching the asses make asses of themselves... watching the same discussions come up over and over again... watching the same advise go swirling past.. watching the dramas develop and unfold ....watching "summer reruns" over and over again. Waiting for folks to grow up.