zen

zen

Monday, September 01, 2014

A Love Letter

A different sort of love letter



Words heard frequently by lovers - "it's not you - it's all me".......... heard so often that we don't see that there can be truth in that.

Dearest W 

You wrote/said those words over and over to me  "it's not you ...it's me" only I didn't believe you......... and I am sorry for not believing you........... 

I am slowly coming to understand that it really truly is NOT me......... but a struggle you are going through that is weighing you down and wearing you out.

It is long past time for me to stop making this about me - but to turn my heart to you... and my strength - and whatever else you need.  This is not about me.....

If love could fix problems then trust me this problem you are facing would be gone - poof!  in a flash - all gone.  

BUT love can not fix problems.  You can fix them with hard work and support.  Know I am here for you - I will support you - I will love you - I will continue (ok ok go back to - cause I kinda lost my way there for a little while) to be the best damn submissive any Dominant could want.  I do this because I love you and because I know on the other side of this 'storm' is the best life possible for us - for You and me.

WE will get through this together............... 

I am sorry I didn't understand that this really isn't about me - it isn't anything I have done............ I get it now.

I love you with all my heart..........

Your littleone


Friday, August 29, 2014

Good News

Through all the turmoil there have been some positives,..............


1)  I had my  cancer recheck last week - and I am 3 months cancer free !!!

2)  I have enrolled for another photography class starting on the 9th of Sept

3)  I have joined the local Y and have been working out - gonna work up to 5 days a week - haven't reached that goal yet - but am SO close - did 4 days this week

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Gift of "seeing" (edited for clarity)






I have had the most amazing comments and support and I thank you all .. your words touched me in ways you can never know..........

BUT  yesterday I received a message from a chap I have met once (maybe twice). His words were supportive and strangely comforting.  I sent a message back - And then something happened - a bit like opening a gift and being totally surprised............

A little back information first..........
Over the last year here I have begun to feel old - really old... comments to my face about how old I am - comments about being out of shape...pictures of myself that seem to ram home all those things - have brought me to the brink of despair - AND - believe it or not had me  actually looking at procedures like botax injections - and even going so far as pricing face lifts (none of which I can afford) and because I can't afford them - just sent me spiraling even lower.

I have felt myself growing invisible.

BUT in the last message from this chap - he pointed out no matter how this affair (Ok editing out 'affair' because of the possible misunderstanding ) 'journey' may turn out - I have good friends to help me through -

AND
he pointed out some of my traits......... mostly cerebral - but I needed to hear them and at the very end of the message - to lighten the mood a little - he added "and you have a great rack" 

I laughed out loud.

And I found my spirits lifting.............. yeah I know he was just making me smile - but for the first time in a long long time someone had noticed me!  I felt like a woman again.. a sexual being - not so invisible anymore.

And it was an amazing feeling and an amazing reminder...........
I am a woman and age and wrinkles and being out of shape and a little overweight can't - WON'T - change that! 

Thank you

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

What/Who am I??







What/who am I now??

I still wear his collar - my slave ring - my piercing.  

But I have no idea what I am now....... 

a housewife?
a roommate??
a sister??
a pain in the ass??

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Me



"it's hard to wait around for something that might never happen...
BUT it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I have been away for a long time.. I know I haven't answered any of your messages....

I am feeling lost - this blog is supposed to be BDSM based - but there is virtually no BDSM in my life now........ it disappeared here...........just woke up one morning to find out that W didn't get any pleasure any more from beating me - didn't desire it - it just didn't fill a need anymore

My love for W hasn't changed.  My desire for him hasn't changed.  

 I struggle with trying to live this life - whatever this life is.............