stones

stones

Saturday, February 13, 2016

On Growing up.......


I was sitting last night - reflecting - it has been that sort of week.

For one reason or another I have felt a lot of pain this week - in my heart - in my soul.  

And then I read something on Fetlife - really an inconsequential piece - but it made me remember an online friend "Buffalo" and his writings.  AND how of all the people who have come through my life he was the one who always - ALWAYS - called me on my shit.  Who made me think hard about my words....... my feelings... my thoughts.  

And for some reason - I realized that a lot of the pain and confusion I have had this week - is due to "growing pains".  I have left the sheltered life I have been kept in for years and years..... and I have been making decisions for myself.
 
Right or wrong - they have been my decisions.  And damn it I have had a whole lot of fun making them!

Regrets - shrug - sure I have regrets - but they won't hold me back - they'll just show me what to do or not do the next time.

Buffalo dear friend - you are still sitting on my shoulder calling me on my shit (small smile) and I hope you still come to read here occasionally and know I think of you.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Days and Days and MORE Days!!

I was chatting with a friend last evening - and we were both moaning about how long the month of February is............ after all it isn't even the middle of the month yet!!  AND - more angst - Febuary has an extra day this year!!!

Why is it that the shortest month of the year feels the longest??!!!

Anyone who reads here relatively regularly knows I am not the most patient person - I wasn't a patient subbie (which often landed me up in trouble) wasn't a patient patient........ I am not the world's most patient person.

I get antsy........ my favourite word this month ANTSY!

I am happiest when at least half the squares of every month has a little notation of something...... February's little squares are virtually blank.............. 

Mind you there are a couple of things coming - the 20th and the 27th - a munch and a play party............. 

Will I last that long?!!!! 

And for anyone interested - like a lil child - I do NOT like the word soon!!  It's a bit like the old "5 minutes more" which really had no meaning - it could last forever or end too soon.

I think I just need February to end - NOW!  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

edited 

my horoscope just said I should party - throw caution to the wind and live on the wild side........  (laughing) it's like it read my mind!!


Thursday, February 11, 2016

Internal Struggles



It has been a long time........ a really long time ......... since the masochist in me got to come out and play.  

It took such a long time to stuff those feelings inside and lock them up ....... such a long time. 

And now they're back.

And it f**king scares me.

I remember those days of pure masochism....... the memories are coming back - flooding back.  

I remember the ups and downs of those days........... of loving the pain and hating it  almost in the same moment.

I remember looking at the marks on my body the day after ....... and hating myself.  And then caressing the marks and loving them.


But mostly I remember the endorphin junkie - between play times... I remember the need growing and growing till it nearly drove me mad.  There is no controlling that need...... it is what it is.

I have to learn how to live with these internal struggles ........ again.
  

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Holding Pattern

Have you ever noticed how much of life is a "holding pattern" - just waiting around for ............. whatever???

AND you can be busy - busy doing "stuff"  but at the end of the day when everything is quietly slipping into dream land  -- or early in the morning when the world still slumbers on - and your sipping your first coffee of the day -  your mind is checking the status of the holding pattern.

2 more days till the weekend

6 more days till the doctor's appointment

2 weeks till the party

2 weeks till pay day

10 days till the lunch date 

3 months till spring (well guaranteed spring)


All the best gurus say we should live in the moment.  Enjoy each moment of each day ....... cause you aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

I say screw that!!!

I believe the "holding patterns" in my life take it from mundane to fun!!  Looking forward to something ...... what ever that something is (well except for doctor's appointments) - is what makes life exciting - keeps me fresh and cheeky and full of life........... 

'Cause truthfully this is my motto............ 


Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Finding my bits and pieces Again!


I am remembering why this "dating" thing - this "playing well with others" thing was hard many years ago............. and I guess in some ways I am running backwards while I am moving forwards............ 

The date I had on Friday was a play date - with dinner thrown in - and then more play.  

HARD PLAY 

Long Play

Fun play 

I trust him enough now - to really let go  -- to let my fairies come and coax me out to play......... to let go completely and totally.......... not an easy thing for me to do..... but i trust him that much.

When we went to the munch (dinner) I was quite truthfully as high as a kite.  Mini me said it was like I was a little drunk - I was in good form ........ another friend whispered in my ear "have you been playing this afternoon" .... so yeah I was that high on endorphins.

AND

it wasn't over ........ 

There was more play after we got home from the munch.

HARD PLAY

Long Play

Fun Play.

And in that moment - when the endorphins are coursing through my blood - and my mind is just mush ...... there are no warning bells - no common sense - no judgement - all my inhibitions are down ..............and sometimes I ask for ........... beg for........push my limits - test me - push push push!!

And when it's over - 
when all the hard play is done 
when all the long play comes to an end
when all the fun is over 

He leaves.

And I am left to ground myself........ to piece myself back together.  

It used to be that way - years and years ago........... and then I wasn't alone and it wasn't really a problem.  The day or two after  -- when I questioned myself - called myself names - put myself down ....... W was there to hold me and hug me and soothe me and help me put the pieces back together.....

AND yes I play THAT hard!

It's hard sometimes when you are alone - to find all those tiny pieces that got knocked about and dislodged - to find them and stick 'em back in........... 

hot baths and meditation and soothing music and even chocolate works - until it doesn't.  And the monsters inside are still walking all over my soul............. and I feel lost and confused.

AND I know - this IS what I want - I want to play nicely with others - lots and lots of others.......

AND I know I want to let go - I want to push my limits -- I want to embrace those monsters and defy them  -- I want - NO -- I NEED to play hard and long - I need to feel drained and marked and hurting when it is over.  

I NEED THAT !!


Cause whether I like to say the word or not.......... I am a masochist!