Tuesday, September 27, 2016


I have been working on those inner voices for a long time.... but ya know -- there was something oddly comforting about them.  They have been around for a long time.  And for the most part they weren't interfering with my every day life.  Oh they did hold me back from finding the 'real' me.......but as I said in an odd way they were comforting.

But then Hands challenged me about the labels these voices have put on me.  Challenged may not be the right word -- He certainly made me sit back and think seriously and if he could see the effect of the voices and their labels -- then they were most definitely affecting my every day life.

Over the next few days I kept 'talking' to myself about the labels that the voices whisper ...... especially on the drive to Montreal when I had 3 uninterrupted hours of think time.  I could almost feel the solution -- it was right there ya know - just out of reach -- but it was there.

Then shock shock I read something over on FL that clicked the button -- and the solution was mine!
Sounds easy right?? yeah I was doubtful that it could be that easy....... but I rolled some of the labels around in my head -- nothing -- no voices not a sound.

On Sunday and again yesterday I tried one of the labels out loud -- for real -- and nothing -- no voice -- no bad feelings...... nada zilch nothing!

What an excellent feeling!  free from the labels my voices whispered.

There's still work to do -- but the labels are gone and that is a very good thing!

Monday, September 26, 2016

Best Laid Plans

Drove to visit the grandkids on Friday -- and had plans to take middle grandson out for a "hot date" with grandma for his birthday -- a shopping trip and lunch -- had to be poutine!

Well we got some tshirts picked out that he loved -- and were trying on plaid long sleeved shirts when he went as white as a ghost and said "I don't feel well - I think I am gonna throw up" ... I had just enough time to grab a garbage can.  

Thus ended our "hot date".  Grandson has a rain date for another lunch date for poutine with Grandma.

I was back home here in Kingston by late afternoon -- and started getting food prepared for the BDSM family picnic on Sunday noon.

By 11:30 Sunday morning I had the car packed up with food and picnic supplies and was back on the road heading west.  The weather cooperated in that it wasn't raining -- but dear lord it was cold!!

By the time I had found the picnic spot -- unloaded the car -- helped set up the area -- I just wanted a nap.  What fun I was!!  I did get to visit with Hands and his family -- and the others who came out -- and then it was time to load up the car and head east down the highway again.

I got home exhausted.  On the drive home I started to really - seriously - consider it might be time to move.  Most of my friends/social life is one hour west of me....... 

Maybe it's time to consider a Plan B -- or is it Plan K by now??? One thing I DO know -- today's plan is for a quiet day -- time to re-examine -- rest -- and recharge.


Friday, September 23, 2016

Small Trip

I am leaving for Montreal today -- got a hot date with my middle grandson on Saturday.  It's his birthday.

I'll be 'flying' back on Saturday evening to get prepared for a picnic I volunteered to help organise for Sunday. 

So forgive me if I am AWOL till next week -- I'll be back though ....... I always come back 

Thursday, September 22, 2016


I read a piece over on FL yesterday about a girl who couldn't scream (scream as in release the pain scream)

And it brought back a memory for me..... a memory that kinda went "hey I had that happen to me!"

She talked about going to a therapy session where the therapist wanted her to scream into a pillow.  Years ago I was at a psychology training and at one of the workshops we were expected to scream -- a primal scream.  I sat watching while one after another participant did their primal scream.... and then it was my turn.  I sat staring ahead -- a deer caught in the headlights.  Then I just stood up and walked out.  

I hadn't thought about that day until yesterday.  I learned very early on to bury my screams..... to bury my hurt and my pain.  No one wanted to know -- it wasn't important.  Amazing lesson to teach a child right?? That no one cares if you one cares.  You learn pretty damn fast to bury the pain that brings the screams.  You learn to be silent.

You learn to bury the feelings -- the emotions -- to cry behind closed doors in the safety of the dark nights. 

Because you mustn't ever attract attention...... be quiet ... be good....... don't cause a ripple.  I got really good at it you know........ 'cause no one cared. 

The 'puzzle pieces' I have been finding and fitting back into the frame that is me are smaller now -- not so obvious -- harder to see and harder to fit...... but the work continues -- albeit slowly.   

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Raising the bar

As most of you know I have a great love of photography.  I tend to take pictures of obscure interesting patterns found all around us.  However -- I have had a secret goal -- I have wanted to take more kinky pictures. 

BUT I don't do well with portraits.  I get nervous which in turn makes my 'subject' nervous -- end result is disaster.

A couple of years back I had a willing subject who agreed to sit for some sexy kinky pictures.  He was a good sport and was very comfortable in front of the camera.  BUT I wanted to show him that cock pics really aren't that sexy -- a hint is sometimes sexier.  And I took this picture  

I don't think I sold him on the idea but I had fun and learned some lessons on kinky photo shoots.

A week ago -- someone approached me and asked if I took pictures.  They are apparently looking for photographers for the Kink Carnalval in November.  I didn't bite.  My nerves and lack of confidence got the better of me.

Then a funny thing happened.  Remember "The Sadist" I played with for a while?? Well he and I still keep in touch -- and he emailed over the weekend to see if I would/could do some new shots for his profileAnd he wanted some shots of 'toys' in a nefarious manner (grinning) "nefarious" - really?? I would think one would want inviting pics on their profile -- lots of time to scare the hell out of the victim later right???

Anyway yesterday I decided to do some experiments with pictures of my toys.  Test out lighting and back drops ...... just playing really.  I sent them off to him to get some feedback -- but thought I would share my efforts with my critical audience...... Tell me what you think..............