Sunday Sentiments

Power

I am pretty sure I have talked about the voices in my head... no not THAT kind of voices -- but these voices are always reinforcing lessons learned over my life.

I have been working hard in therapy to control these voices... to sort them out ...... to let go of them.  These voices are keeping me from fully living my life.  I know that -- so why is it so damn hard to let go of them???!!

I don't think many people realize the power these voices have over me.  I don't think I fully realized it until just recently. I think I thought I would never be able to fully get rid of them..... their whispering words: "not pretty enough -- not good enough -- not capable enough -- not strong enough -- not smart enough"..... on and on endlessly.  

A little while back I repeated something my mother used to say all the time to me and my therapist looked at me and said "right now -- at this moment - I don't think I like your mother very much"   That's the first time anyone has ever said they didn't like my mother -- and didn't like her lessons.  I got a little bit defensive...... but my therapist planted a seed...

Over the last couple of days I have done some real deep thinking about those lessons the voices whisper.  I realize how ludicrous a lot of what I am still hearing is!  And I am coming to realize that they are not just gonna go away -- I have to stop listening.  I need to replace them with positive re-enforcement -- I need to learn to take back my power.

 


 

Mono-poly (edited for some clarity)

I read a piece yesterday on FL entitled "Change your Cookbook: A monogamuggle's guide to cookin' with polyfolk".  And it just kinda smacked me upside the head.

When I started this "Continued Journey" I had no idea where it would take me -- where I would land up.  I did have this idea in my head of poly -- and how it would allow me to have my cake and eat it too...... you know -- have my own space -- some freedom -- AND companionship.  It took a while -- some false starts for sure.  I had a picture in my head how it should look.... and I wasn't having any luck in finding my picture perfect match.

Well that is until Hands and his wife came along.

And the relationship started to take on "picture perfect" proportions.  As time has gone on --  I have come to realize (thanks to Hands and his wife) that they see this as a whole picture not just the good times - but the rough times too --  I have come to realize I honestly don't want or need anyone else in my life. 

And there was my problem.  How could I be poly if I just wanted to be monogamous with Hands and his wife?  Monogamous relationships have a schedule of sorts ya know?? You meet -- you date - you spend loads of time together -- you move in together -- and you plan "happily ever after"

Maybe it's because I have had 3 relationships that were supposed to be "happily ever after"........ pffft !  didn't happen did it??!!  

Now I am not looking for fairy tale endings.  I am looking for a happy fairy tale story in the here and now.  Now I cherish each day we have together.  

The small things are important to me -- chats with Hands -- our private time -- our group times.  Feeling accepted and welcomed into their relationship.  

The future?? shrug - who knows what any future holds -- even if you are monogamous -- endings happen.  I don't want to look or even think about endings -- I want to live today -- in the here and now.  It's good now -- sharing is good -- I'm happy and contented. 

I am not less poly because I have decided to settle down with one partner who is poly.  It just means I am mono in a poly relationship.  Hands has to keep all the plates spinning - so to speak.  Me ?? I just get to give him all my attention -- make just him happy ..... and be available/be present when we are together....... we being Hands and I -- his wife and I - or all 3 of us.
 
And one last quick thought on this -- I think - KNOW - I am extremely lucky to have a close relationship with his wife -- not many poly relationships have the 'others' get along as well -- become as close as we have. 

So I have a new label -- mono-poly -- I know I am not some odd ball -- and I know that loving and living for this moment is the best way to find a low stress happy life.

And that is a very good thing!  
 

Feeling Safe

Do you remember when you were a little kid feeling the hand on the back of your shirt and knowing you were safe?  I remember that feeling.  

It's a really good feeling.......I found that feeling again yesterday and I think I will hold on to it for a while - a good long while 

(at least that's my goal)


 
 

Triggers

A funny thing happened to me yesterday...... I had a mini meltdown thinking about Halloween.  Just when I think
the relationship I had with W doesn't hurt anymore -- something like this pops up and smacks me right in the face.

See there were always parties in Montreal -- especially Halloween ones.  Not that I like Halloween cause I don't -- but Halloween and my birthday are close -- so W always made sure we partied -- and I got my birthday spanks.

I should have known ya know when the birthday spankings stopped.... when he forgot my birthday... nodding I should have known........ but I didn't -- not me the perpetual optimist..... always hoping..... always believing ....... happy ever after endings.

It's been a long time since I had birthday spankings -- it's been a long time since I even acknowledged my birthday.  But yesterday - for some stupid reason -- I just sat and cried and hurt.  I miss that -- feeling special to someone -- special enough to have birthday parties and birthday spankings. I know -- it sounds childish --- but it felt so good when I had it.

Yesterday was a sad day -- filled with memories and longing.