Resolute...

December 31st the last day of the year...

i was thinking about the words of wisdom (don't choke!!! ) that i might write today on this last day of 2007......... and i have put off writing this entry because the words aren't there..

That is not to say i haven't learned a thing or two this past year.. because, by god, i have!

Friends -
i certainly learned what friendship is over the last half of this year...... i have always said i could count my 'real' friends on one hand...... the people who know my faults and like me because of them.... despite of them.. the people who have been willing to stand by my side through the good times.. the laughter and the fun.. and have been right there through the scary times.. the bad days and the tears and fears...... there were one or two surprises this year - in the friend category....... but that's ok.... it has never bothered me to trim back the "friend list" .......
Life is always sifting and changing.. a bit like the sands on the beach..... maybe the shifting tides just opened my eyes to see what i never noticed before........

Heroes.......
or people on pedestals..... i am very guilty of that.. putting people on pedestals for one reason or another......... and it always hurts so bad when the pedestal crumbles and my 'hero' tumbles face first into the dirt....... problem is they probably never asked to put up there .. in that rarefied air... in the first place.... though some times words spoken - philosophies preached - ideology expressed has a hand in building that pedestal......... But i have learned an important lesson i think........ pedestals are for statues not for people...

Love.....
i have learned that love is not some fairy tale "happy ever after" ending....... it is day to day living..... forgiving and caring and fighting and crying and laughing and holding and a whole mess of real life stuff. Not everyone figures that out you know.. that love is not a shining spotless thing....... it is bruised and bent and dirty and beautiful. It holds you close and makes the world a bearable place to be...

and i have learned that life .. LIFE .. is just too short and fragile and tenuous.

i have dumped a lot of baggage beside the fork in this road....... and am more than ready to move forward into 2008 with a renewed energy and love and courage.

And before i end this last entry for 2007 i want to take one minute to thank all of you who drop by so faithfully to read my words...... thank you for the comments you leave.. the emails you write.. the gentle ways you stroke my heart and make me happy.....

the new toy

Introducing the new toy of choice.. Sir's latest acquisition ... and my newest feared cane...........

The Lexan Cane...........




Now it appears no more harmful or hurtful than the vast display of canes we have hanging on the wall in the play room........... but trust me when i say this EVIL cane is by far the worst ever perverted by man!!!

Just a little info for those of you - like me - who have no idea what the hell lexan is.....

According to Wikipedia....
Lexan is similar to polymethyl methacrylate (Plexiglas/Lucite/Perspex) and is commonly described as acrylic in appearance, but is far more durable, often to the point of being described as "bulletproof" (depending on the thickness of the sample and the type of weapon used).

Bullet proof??? EXCUSE ME!!?? it is also used as windshields in aircraft..... and this wonderful acrylic substance is now being perverted into canes !! Stingy ouchy oh my god that kills canes !!!

i had a session with Sir's evil stick last evening........... and i knew almost right away that something was very very wrong ! First of all..Sir never even wound up and let one go......... He sat comfy cozy and was ...... for all the world.. giving me gentle wimpy taps....

i on the other hand was hanging on to the ottoman with every fiber in my being... crying out at each hit... feeling the pain deepen and widen with each hit.. the pain did not get better.. it did not get to the point that i could "climb" on top .. it did not get to the point that i could step out and off and float and dance with the fairies..no no... it got deeper and hotter and more red........ and it spread and engulfed my whole being.......

Something was terribly horribly wrong...

AND before anyone thinks that Sir started with this EVIL stick .. no no.. let me set you straight.. He was a good Sir.. a kind and caring Sir..He gave me a warm up with this lil flogger He gave me for Christmas..


a little rubber flogger that looks so innocent.. so soothing.. but it cuts and tears and rips and makes me feel bruised and marked..... it makes my ass hot and my body cold.. but compared to the EVIL stick it is most definitely a 'warm up' toy......

i have no idea how long the session lasted.. i know only that my mind bounced up and down with each stroke.. my body stiffened and loosened and collapsed with each stroke.. at one point i remember Sir asking where i was going and i realized i had somehow or other worked my way crosswise across the ottoman.. ass slouching just out of His reach.
And then i heard Sir say "littleone come give me a hug" and i had no idea where Sir was.. where i was.. i only knew the pain the red hot glaring pain was over.... and i was wrapped up in Sir's arms shivering and snivelling..........

i was wrapped up in my snuggly and lovingly placed on my chair.. i was fed juice and hugs and finally tugged up tight in bed to sleep .... perchance to dream of light swords and bare asses and fairies laughing and dancing around my head..........

Gifts that keep on giving...

Sir received a gift certificate a while back for the Fet Store here in the Great White North. And yesterday He decided we would go out for lunch..... then head into town to the Fet store and spend His gift certificate.

It was funny how the day went.. we had both been a little tense in the morning..but by the time we had pigged out over lunch and were downtown in the 'village' our spirits had lifted and we were enjoying our day together.....

The fet store didn't really offer any new toys ......... oh they had paddles and crops and handcuffs ...... but ho hum... boring... (aren't i spoiled?? we have a wall full of crops and paddles ) But Sir spotted a cupping set.. a real cupping set.. not some purple plastic imitation of one........ but a real one ...... with glass cups and acupuncture/pressure point thingies and a hand pump. Sir decided that was the gift we were gonna buy with the gift certificate!!

We did some other shopping as well at another leather shop..... but i will go into detail on that one another day..... Home we came laden down with our parcels and i .. of course.. had a burning desire to try out the 'real' cupping set.

After dinner Sir finally got around to experimenting with it.... a couple were put on my ass.. it hurt .. sort of.. but good hurt.. oh my yes .. good hurt !! i was daring.. i was brave.. i suggested maybe.. just maybe Sir would try them out on my nipples?? When it comes to breast torture i do NOT have to ask twice... Sir was delighted to satisfy my curiousity.....

He put them on and i shrieked.. it was way too much to handle ( i have such damn sensitive nipples !!) And besides that ..... ever since i breast fed the youngest daughter i still have liquid that will drip out .. if given enough "incentive" shall we say.... and i have a feeling it rather grosses Sir out....... well you can imagine what happened when the pump was applied........... i don't have any shots from the glass set.. but i do have one from the plastic set... if you look close enough you can just see the 'drip' .......ewwww gross !!!

(then again maybe you can't see it)

This morning Sir decided to humor me.. i had told Him in my private journal how much i would like to try having my whole ass cupped - to experience the sensations....... So........ after breakfast was digested.. i was on my stomach on the floor having glass cups applied to my ass....

The first few felt kinda neat.. but as each one was added the pressure built in the tissue (i guess) and the burn was something too difficult to describe.... but trust me when i say it hurt.. good!!!!



From another angle.........


Even one on my clit......... despite my nervousness over the clit jewelry being ripped out.. which didn't happen.........but i can say my clit was swollen and twitchy for the longest time.. such a delightful torture !!!


Finally - because the booklet suggests not leaving the cups on for more than 10 minutes Sir removed them .. pop pop pop !! ouch ouch ouch!!! (it compares a bit to having pegs removed .. sort of.. )

Happy Birthday Sir..

To my Sir:






And now if you will all excuse me.. i have some personalized wishes to give ....... be back a bit later...........

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Now to look back at yesterday and my day in bondage.......
i don't think it is going to be easy to explain the process i went through as the day progressed as the hours stretched on....... but i would like to try.........

At 10 am Sir finished tying off the last knot and got ready to leave... i loved the way the ropes made me feel... open ...exposed .. i was excited and found that my concentration was entirely on my pussy and my ass - which is where the bulk of the ropes and knots were focused.

i bounced around feeling invigorated ... getting the laundry done.. baking some more Christmas cookies (yes yes MORE Christmas cookies... our entertaining is far from over.. but the sweets are dwindling fast) ....... i even gave myself a manicure.... for the first 4 hours or so it was all about my pussy and the deep ache building there.. i was wet and had to sit on a towel at all times.. it was so physically exciting...



In my mind i figured Sir would be home around 2ish... i don't know why i came up with that hour but i did... around that time i noticed that my world was shrinking .. i was losing interest in bouncing around the house getting "stuff" done.. i was pulling into myself... focusing on how the ropes were now rubbing and chaffing ...... yet i was still dripping .. and feeling comfortable.........

BUT Sir didn't show up around 2ish........ in fact.. the clock kept on ticking by...... and there was no sign of Sir..

Sometime between 2 and 4 i started to think about blogs i had read where the Master puts the submissive in a cage.. and how they fight it .. and love it all at the same time.. i began to feel that my ropes were as much a cage as those metal barred cages that exist in some BDSM homes...



Now it was 4... and .. i could barely move from the chair in the living room.. my pussy was sore.. raw sore.. and the knot was pressing so hard on my asshole that i thought it would split me in two...... i didn't want to move.. i wanted Sir to walk through the door so that i might kneel at His feet and beg Him to remove the ropes......

i reached up my back and i could feel the start of the knots .. my fingers entwined themselves in the knots and i thought how easy it would be to loosen them.. maybe even untie them and let the ropes slip off my body........i thought about text messaging Sir.. i thought about straight out phoning Him...........

By the time Sir showed up at 5:15 He asked when i "hit the wall"... and i told Him around 4ish... it is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been in bondage for long periods of time what happens when you "hit the wall"... but it happens.. and yesterday i just white knuckled it till my Sir came home.. It seemed right and just that He should remove the ropes.. untie the knots..... symbolic and not so symbolic gestures of who controls my body...... me........

i broke my own record.......... 7 straight hours in bondage............

as a little side thought....... i wondered about the bondage i have seen done at the clubs.. where it takes an hour to wrap the submissive up in all pretty coloured ropes ... with all pretty styled knots... and once the hours is up.. and the photos have been taken.. the ropes are removed................ pretty dolly all decked out.......... that is not the bondage that Sir does on me.. my bondage is not pretty dolly style........... it is tight and restrictive and i absolutely adore it.. adore the challenge i go through each time... just me and the ropes...

Mind Set

i was thinking this morning as i made Sir's breakfast and cleaned up, how difficult it is sometimes to just be in the mind set of submissive... cleaning and cooking and entertaining is part and parcel of the service i offer to Sir.. but sometimes it just feels like being a plain old fashioned "house wife" .. know what i mean??? Sometimes it is just damn hard to stay in the mind set of submissive when one is up to one's elbows in cooking and dirty dishes and guests..........

Today i knew Sir would probably be heading off to do some work, and then check up on His mom and the "other house"....... i was planning my day...... laundry and baking and primping and preening to go out for Sir's birthday dinner this evening........ and not once in all that planning was i thinking submissive ........

Before Sir left He disappeared downstairs to the play room...... and returned with a length of my favourite blue rope....... i made a joke about His going off to tie up His client........ but all the while i watched Him .. mesmerized by His hands tying knots here and there down the length of rope.

i stood on order and removed my sweatshirt....... the ropes were pulled over my head and the tying process began...... wrap tug knot ... wrap tug knot.. rinse and repeat....... i felt the ropes encasing my body.. opening me here .. tugging there.. and i felt a momentary pang of fear...... Sir would encase my body in ropes and leave....... leave.. as in depart.. as in be gone for hours.... and i would be left here trussed up like a Christmas turkey.

i remembered one time when we were at a "bondage" demo/party and Sir tied me tightly.. (His favourite method of tying by the way....... tight!! ) i stood like a good lil subbie straight as an arrow, hands behind my neck...... barely breathing because the ropes were so tight... i remember going out to the car as the party was moving into town to a bigger play party and not being able to bend to get into the car... sort of being pushed into the back seat and collapsing awkwardly with ropes biting into my ass, into my pussy, binding my breasts so tightly i could barely breath. And a fear rose from somewhere deep inside my gut that i would be left like that today....... for hours.. till Sir returned.

But today He did a different sort of tie on my body... around the breasts yes.. but more into the pussy and ass... opening it .. rubbing it. When Sir was finished i went downstairs to check on the laundry .. and to test how tight the ropes were.. i could breath comfortably (phewwwwww) i could walk with care ...... i could feel my pussy..... god i could feel it!! my whole mind became centered on my pussy and my ass.. stretched open .. aching.. pulsing..... BUT i could do my tasks with no problem.. and i could breath comfortably.

So here i sit..... ropes pulling tightly on all the right places.. my mind set is squarely and firmly planted in submissive mode......... easy as that!! A long piece of rope .. a few well placed knots....... and i would crawl on all fours and kiss Sir's feet (if He were here)...

It really isn't very difficult to put me in the right mind set......... not very difficult at all.......