I'm Backkkkk

Well sort of..............

The move went as well as could be expected - especially in the heat and high humidity ... It had to be the hottest days of the summer the week of my move and unpacking right???

And the reason I am not fully back yet - is best described with these few pics..........

 that's the good room - at 10pm just before I climbed into bed............. 

The rest of the house looks more or less like this............

I have very dear subbie friend - mini me - who arrived on my doorstep yesterday at 8 am to help and is on her way back this morning........thank god for good friends who keep you going when you are SO ready to just give up !!


So I'm sorta back - but till I can find the floor I might be sporadic - to put it mildly :)

Last Day

Tomorrow the movers arrive to load up and move me forward.......... 

I am sad - and scared and  yes even excited.

I will be offline for a few days until the internet / cable guy shows up and gets me back on line.......... 

So while I am away - everyone play nice........... 

4 A.M.

That's what the clock was showing when my eyes opened..... trust me I growled.

4 BLOODY A.M.??!!  Usually I find a nice lil fantasy - close my eyes and drift back to sleep - but this morning there was no lil fantasy - only truth.  And sometimes truth is hard and mean and hurts.

At 5 A.M. I got out of bed.  Even Miss Ashes (the cat) thought I was nuts.  I rationalized I used to get up at 5 A.M. every day when I was working........... 

Miss Ashes followed me outside with my coffee - she sat beside me staring at me - I guess - trying to figure out what the hell her human was up to.

There is very little noise at 5 A.M. - oh I did hear a train whistle - far off in the distance - and I wondered 'freight or passenger'........ but it didn't matter really

There is no sun today - well not yet.  Only dark clouds over head.  Sort of suits my mood I guess.

Now I am sitting here at the computer with my coffee - Miss Ashes has gone back to her corner and curled up to sleep - and I wonder when I will find total peace in my heart again and can sleep once again

Last Blooms

One of the things I have been fussing over/thinking about - are my gardens.  I wonder what will happen to them once I am gone.  They were -- after all -- my doing - my passion.  I can hardly go out to look at them now..... like leaving behind kids in a divorce.  Yeah I know it sounds weird - but some days that's how it feels.

Now mostly my back garden is Asian themed - so lots of different textures and different shades of green - tall wispy grasses and flowering vines that cover (or will one day) the side fence.

But there were two bushes left by the previous owner.  When I started the back garden project - I didn't want them removed.  One is at the corner of the house - just before you actually enter the back yard...... so it was left.  It always bloomed in late July / August with the most spectacular purple blooms.... I have NO idea what the plant is...... but I loved it.

This summer it started to bloom - and I thought something was wrong.  The flowers were white!!  I have watched and over the last two weeks more and more and MORE buds have appeared........... and some are white and some are purple.  My lil bush - almost forgotten in the corner - is putting on a spectacular show this summer ........ weird isn't it?? maybe it's giving it all it's got to bid me farewell...............

 The front garden has been the bane of my existence.  When I got here it was mostly weeds and tons of rocks.  It took me 2 summers of digging up the weeds and removing the rocks  - fertilizing it - babying it - to actually get a garden bed worth working in..... But truthfully nothing seemed to flourish.  There was an ugly green bush (tiny bit of a thing) in the corner.  This spring I vowed if it didn't do anything this summer then it was going in the compost bucket.

A week or so ago I swore I saw a tiny wee bud on it.   Lo and behold - there were 2 buds on it!!  AND it would appear that tiny wee do-nothing bush is actually a hydrangea or as my father called them "snowball bushes".  Usually they bloom (in my experience) in the early spring with BIG white round flowers.  I have seen purpley blue flowers (even tried once to create them - as you must add a special acid to the soil) But for the most part they were always white.  Well the buds on my wee tiny bush in the front garden started to open a week ago ........... and lo and behold the flowers aren't white - they aren't even the purpley blue............ they are ........ well you tell me I say pink but then for the most part I am coloured blind ...........

I took some last pictures of the flowers in the gardens..... something to take with me to my new home.... a fond memory of "my gardening days' 

  

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 Note to "Downunder Don" I got your comment about pictures and promise there will be more ... soon... I have a photography friend who is all but kidnapping me to get me back out there with my camera...... so yeah - soon I promise more artsy fartsy shots :) For now you will have to content yourself with the mundane :) 

The Beginning of the beginning

So much has happened in the last week.  I didn't want to write about them .... but now seems as good a time as any.

Last Tuesday I signed a lease on an apartment and by this time next week - I will be moved out of W's house and living on my own.  

Oh I am not moving far - I love this city - love the community - so I found a lil apartment just 5 minutes down the road.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done - deciding to leave W.  I  think I will always love him.  But I have cried a river of tears for what was supposed to be - and now I am trying (operative word is TRYING) to smile over all the things that happened.  

On the weekend I was taking down my curtains - struggling to get the screws out of the wall - crying silent tears of frustration and hurt and maybe some anger....... when suddenly memories started to flood my mind..... 

I was standing on the ladder looking out on the driveway and I saw myself drive  in 3 years ago - saw W almost bouncing up and down with excitement that I had finally arrived - saw W pull out the silver chain mail collar with a new BDSM pendant - engraved on the back and try to put it around my neck - right there in the middle of the driveway - no pomp no circumstance - just a simple declaration of ownership.

Later I was standing in the kitchen - trying to figure out how to sort out my kitchen things from W's kitchen things and I remembered that first day again and how I saw the finished kitchen for the first time - It was the most gorgeous kitchen anyone could ever have!  And he had created it for me.  I remember declaring how much I loved it and how I could sleep in it....... and I remembered how we laughed about that........ 

When I was in the bedroom - again taking down my curtains - I saw myself bouncing on the bed - watching W put the curtains up and being so happy so excited so in love...... not able to believe my good fortune that this was going to be my life forever!


And as this week trudges along and I pack more stuff - and hunt down more stuff - I am sure more memories will come flooding back .... happy memories.  

The post from yesterday was done for a reason.......... I felt such incredible sadness for the last (umm I don't know ) 6 months or so......... the Dr Seuss saying "Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened" touched something inside of me........ and it's true - I will try to smile more over the memories and cry less over the pain........ 

And so it is "the beginning of (yet another ) beginning"...............