Not Quite the Same

I had noticed - going back quite a while - maybe 6 or 7 months - maybe longer - that as much as I wanted a good spanking - wanted the pain - it wasn't quite the same...... bend over... spread your legs - whoosh hit whoosh hit.... then wham bam thank you ma'am it was over........ and I was left feeling ............ I am not really sure - but empty comes to mind.

I have been trying to figure out WHAT was missing............ without much success.  And it wasn't just with the few tops I have played with since W and I parted D/s ways.... it was before with W.  It confuses me........ what disappeared?? Why wasn't it fun anymore???

Oh I could blame no play parties here ........ shaking head ... but that wasn't the case as mostly I preferred playing at home where it could all dissolve into a wet sticky fuck-a-thon.  

And when the D/s died between W and I  ..... I got a little frenzied wanting to play again - wanting to find that "high" that comes from playing....... 
 
But it didn't take long to discover it was something much bigger than getting my ass whooped - or my breasts bruised....... much bigger than any of that.

I have had fantasizes of pussy torture that have left me dripping and aching and needy....... but I don't think I will attempt to re-create what once was....... it will probably fall far short of my memories.  Oh I do masturbate!!  My Hitachi is my best friend - I just don't go for the "added pleasures" (because truthfully how pleasurable would it be when *I* am in control?  And there is no one in my life that I feel close enough - have a strong enough bond with - to share those darkest of dark fantasies )

And so my memories are fading to a distant "what used to be"...... I am slowly backing away from BDSM.......What I once believed would never die - is dying like everything else.........

There's nothing wrong with what lies in front of me.. family and vanilla and my new work....it's just a little sad that the "thrill seems to be gone"

Never too late...

......to take the other road.

When I was 7  - I fell in love with Miss Rutenberg - my grade one teacher.  Immediately I decided "when I grow up I am going to be just like her - a teacher!"  And I did.

And for 20+ years I taught hundreds and hundreds of children...... and loved it.

I was a teacher.  

And when I thought about it my brain would tell me "you are a teacher that is what you do and who you are"......... 

A few years ago when someone suggested I might like to try doing something different - part time - I scoffed at them.  My answer "I am a teacher!  that's all I know how to do!"

Then a few weeks ago when this job offer rolled around again - I threw caution to the wind and decided to at least - at the very least - take a training and see if I could manage it....... maybe?? maybe be something besides a "teacher".

Yesterday I realized - light bulb moment - that I had stuck myself in a box labelled "teacher" and limited myself ....... I never believed I could do anything else....

I completed my first solo project yesterday for this company.  I did the work with passion that I thought was long gone.......and I realized how often we pigeon hole ourselves and refuse to take risks............ 

Sometimes taking a risk is good...........
Sometimes taking a risk leads to renewed passion......
Sometimes taking a risk opens up a whole new world.........
 

Catching up

Just a little up date as to what went on in my life while I was "gone".....

* Remember the surgery I went through at the end of April???  I saw the surgeon the day before I left for Ottawa and she removed yet another mass but it was benign..... she also said she didn't expect to see me again (welllllll I won't hold my breath on that one)

* I also went apartment hunting - yes things had gotten so bad here that I felt it was necessary.... and I nearly had a break down (no joke) ..... the apartments I saw were at the very top of my budget and oh my god!!  they were awful - dirty - with mold - leaking windows and an area of town I wouldn't feel safe going out in after dark........ I came home a total basket case.......which prompted a long hard talk with W..... he says he honestly doesn't want me to move out .... so we worked out .......... more like are still working out ... living as room mates and good friends

* Things have improved a lot around here - at least I think so - and I hope it's not those damnable rose coloured glasses :( W was my best friend way back when at the beginning... and we promised - before we became D/s - and again before we moved here to Kingston - that we would always be best friends and room mates.

*  I did have a play session (I think I told you about that) a couple of weeks ago - or more - and it was good - and I enjoyed it - BUT - I am not sure it was the right time - or right move.  I feel myself backing away from BDSM totally - I do not want another D/s relationship I know I can't just play for the sake of playing....... there always seems to be something missing ............ so I am in limbo - not quite vanilla and not quite BDSM - and truthfully I don't much care - at least not now... I had said "never again" but a lot of friends have reminded me of the old saying "never say never"   It's just right now I can't see it in my future..... it took a lot out of me when W and I ended our D/s relationship - I am not sure I have it in me to do that again........ 

And I think that's it for now......... gotta open the "work computer" and get to designing :)
   

Just remember...........

In case no one noticed...

I took a little holiday from blogville.... 

I was pouring my heart out.... words spilling over themselves on to the screen.......it was cathartic ... for me... maybe not for anyone else... but let's remember... this blog is my place to bare my feelings - happy, sad, scared, angry all of them......... and yeah usually I censor myself more than I have these last few weeks... BUT ya know what?? it's my life, my blog, my feelings - no matter how blunt or cold or cruel ...

Anyway......... after telling the world I felt betrayed there was some fall out... and truthfully I just went "what the fuck" and closed it down.....

I spent a goodly amount of time trying to sort things out - trying to pull it all together... and trying to find a way through all the words and emotions.

And then ........ I went to Ottawa for a week...

And I came home with a new job........ it's part time and contract work...... but hey it's a job........ and something completely different....... I will be working from home - doing some web design work...........

I have spent the last 3 days working without my coach holding my hand....... and loving it!!  definitely working more hours than I am gonna be paid for.... more hours than I should be....... but I am learning as I go... youtubing what I don't quite 'get' yet.... and slowly it's all coming together - like my life.

So .......... I am back........... and wobbling forward....  

Sunday Sentiments