I had noticed - going back quite a while - maybe 6 or 7 months - maybe longer - that as much as I wanted a good spanking - wanted the pain - it wasn't quite the same...... bend over... spread your legs - whoosh hit whoosh hit.... then wham bam thank you ma'am it was over........ and I was left feeling ............ I am not really sure - but empty comes to mind.
I have been trying to figure out WHAT was missing............ without much success. And it wasn't just with the few tops I have played with since W and I parted D/s ways.... it was before with W. It confuses me........ what disappeared?? Why wasn't it fun anymore???
Oh I could blame no play parties here ........ shaking head ... but that wasn't the case as mostly I preferred playing at home where it could all dissolve into a wet sticky fuck-a-thon.
And when the D/s died between W and I ..... I got a little frenzied wanting to play again - wanting to find that "high" that comes from playing.......
But it didn't take long to discover it was something much bigger than getting my ass whooped - or my breasts bruised....... much bigger than any of that.
I have had fantasizes of pussy torture that have left me dripping and aching and needy....... but I don't think I will attempt to re-create what once was....... it will probably fall far short of my memories. Oh I do masturbate!! My Hitachi is my best friend - I just don't go for the "added pleasures" (because truthfully how pleasurable would it be when *I* am in control? And there is no one in my life that I feel close enough - have a strong enough bond with - to share those darkest of dark fantasies )
And so my memories are fading to a distant "what used to be"...... I am slowly backing away from BDSM.......What I once believed would never die - is dying like everything else.........
There's nothing wrong with what lies in front of me.. family and vanilla and my new work....it's just a little sad that the "thrill seems to be gone"
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