Think of me......

i was trying to think what profane - nope sorry - profound - words i could leave you all ....while i am away at camp.............

And i decided that seeing as i haven't posted to The Photojournal for a while i would leave you some nifty outdoor pictures.... Sir packed the stakes - meant to tie up animals in the yard - with us this weekend....... and if the sun is shining even a little bit.. i am hoping that right about now i will be staked out naked on the dirty ground (have i told you all how much i HATE being dirty?? ) for all to see............. oh yeah.. have i also told you how much i HATE being naked in front of strangers?? (i am such a masochist !!)

Anyway .. enjoy the pictures.........

Me myself and i

i have a lot of faults... i know it .. and i admit it.........


One of my biggest faults is insecurity...... and to prevent people from seeing/knowing my insecurities i build nice big strong walls all the way around me.. i smile and nod.. and add another brick.. ain't no one.. but no one gonna hurt me again....... i have done with being hurt.. i have done with being the victim.. i will now protect myself...... thank you very much !!!

Somewhere along this Journey that is mine....... Sir brought down my walls.. one brick at a time.. one stone at a time..... until i was laid bare and vulnerable....... He knew me.... every inch of me.. every deep dark secret that is mine........ and i wobbled for a bit ....... then i was ok... Sir would be my wall.. my protector.. i wasn't alone anymore........

This is one of the most difficult places i have been ........... this is .. in my humble opinion... the biggest test of trust in Sir.... that He will keep me safe and protected..

There are times... many times recently.. that i have railed against Him.. against my vulnerability...

There have been times.. recently .. that i have added a brick or two to the wall that once was and might be again.. worried i might need a hiding place.. a protective cover............

Those have not been happy times.. i have not been a graceful obedient submissive during those times.......... and i always hate myself more when Sir drags me out of those hidey holes...

But drag me out He does....... each and every time...... He will not let me build my walls.. He will not let me feel i am alone in this battle that is life........ He will not let me lose my faith in Him.. in what we have built together......... despite the bitter winds that blow and rattle our very foundations....... Sir stands strong and protective.......

But ya know......... there are whispered words that come in on silent breezes.. breezes that sometimes He misses.. cruel cutting words that send me reeling....... words meant to find the insecurity and gnaw on it.. words meant to show me my failings....... words meant to cut and hurt .. and all the smiles in the world.. all the words of unconditional love do not make the hurting words disappear...

and so i stand.. one hand clasped in Sir's .. the other holding a brick all ready to go in place..

sometimes it is scary being vulnerable..........

Camping........

We are due to head off to our BDSM summer camp on Friday morning...........

Now don't get me wrong.... i love camping.. i really truly do.. but i am what they call a "fair weather camper" .. i do not DO camping in the rain .. the cold .. the muck.

This is my idea of ideal camping.........



with sunny days.. swimming pools and hot tubs.. and oh yeah.. a whole group of kink related friends to share our time with...............

This is more likely my reality.............


The last time we went to camp (two years ago - because last year i managed to get the flu the day we were leaving.. ) it was so cold .. so damn cold that i wore sweat pants with leggings.. wool socks.. turtleneck sweaters with hooded sweatshirts over the top......and slept in the same clothes i wore all day.. cause it was even colder at night !!!







All the wonderful equipment that just screamed "use me" went to waste - for the most part.. the little play that Sir and i did .. was done with me in my sweat shirt.. sweat pants and leggings down around my knees.. with my teeth chattering......hanging rather unceremoniously from the cross ....... the minute the session was over.. up came the leggings and pants........ and the shivering was not from a fun session - oh it had been fun sort of - but the shivering was from trying desperately to get warm again........

Sir went over the toys with me this past weekend - packing all sorts of fun toys - and images danced around in my head..... and then screeched to a halt when i thought about all the clothing i would pack.. because.......... the long range forecast is for rain and cold.......

Sir says we will make the best of it..... i say .. pack the heaters and the comforters and the sweat pants and the woolen socks !!!

and i know i am sulking and NOT being a graceful serene subbie.......... but i had such high hopes for this summer holiday...... shoot me now.. honestly .. i shouldn't have any sort of hopes... never mind high ones..........

This weekend camping was to be the highlight of the summer... my last time alone with Sir before school starts again....and the next wedding swings into high gear..... the next weekend He is off on a train convention thingy ..soooooo this was it.. the BIG weekend.......so shoot me for wanting to have a little fun.. a whole weekend of fun.. not a bit here a bit there - where we can wiggle in some BDSM time..

i will now take my sulky pouty whiney self off and organise the last of the camping gear...

Everyone say a prayer or two that the summer gods find it in their cold hearts to make the sun shine at least for one day!!!

~~~~~~~~~~
oh yeah and never fear...... i have written a few posts scheduled to come up each day we are away........ just so you don't all forget me (cheeky grin) now how could you forget me??!! and all my profane (oooooops that should read profound) words??!!!

Safe words ad nauseum

Wayyyy back when .. i was heading a submissive help group up here in the Great White North...... and there were piles of information (mis-information) we used to give out to newbies..

i say mis-information because truthfully every single solitary safety net that is built in to a new BDSM relationship can be broken........

For example......... safe words.. (my favourite pet peeve)

so many 'newbies' feel safe to meet and greet and play with anyone because they have a safe word ...... oh joy oh joy !!! Purple aardvark is a good word .. not commonly used in every day conversation.. so most definitely a good safe word .. yes sirreee bob .. a good safe word !!

Except what happens please...... if this nice friendly Dom you have just met.. and who agrees to Purple Aardvark as a safe word...... ties you up all nice and tidy like.. and starts wailing away at you with a 2x4........ you say .. so sweetly and politely "Purple Aardvark" and He keeps on keeping on........ what now???

What IF he slaps a gag in your mouth?? ohh not to worry you have a nice set of bells to ring.. or a ball to drop.. feel safe?? What if He comes at you this time with a chain saw.. do you really think ringing those pretty lil bells or dropping that pretty bouncy ball is gonna stop Him??????????

Come on people !!!

i have never believed in safe words ..........

So what now??

Besides making damn sure that the person you are playing with is responsible and trust worthy....... how does one protect themselves?? both Dom and sub.. sorry but i honestly believe both must be protected...

It is so difficult to sort this all out....... really .. it is.. i started off with it very clear in my mind.. but as i type i keep coming up with exceptions or problems with my theory.....

Maybe what i teach my kiddies at school applies well here.. "say what you mean .. and mean what you say"..

So often submissives play the old game of "stop stop in half an hour" .. it is a game that really bothers me.. how does one know if they mean stop.. or if they want to be coaxed.. or cajoled into it??

i was talking with my daughter (yeah yeah i know.. but she is an adult ) about this yesterday........ and she pointed out to me that sometimes it is "fun" to be forced into something... and that got me thinking.. it is fun .. yeah it is fun sometimes.. and sometimes it even helps to get us over a hump.. BUT how does the Dominant really know what we are saying???

i am thinking with time.. and trust.. and bonding...... that it becomes easier for the Dominant to know when "stop stop" means "go go" ........ but when it is all new.. sorry.. i believe the Dominant should stop the session.. pack everything up.. and then talk about it with the submissive......

This isn't a game...... and if i had the slightest doubt that the submissive was comfortable with what was being done.. i would stop it immediately. And i have........

i believe if every time a submissive did the "stop stop" thing and the Dominant ended the session.. the submissive would soon learn that wasn't the way to get what they wanted.. and everyone would be safe.. sane.. and it would all be consensual.

i also firmly believe if a submissive can't talk about what frightens them ( i was one of those) .. can't talk.. not won't talk.. then they should write down their fears and worries and give it to the Dominant....... be open .. be honest.. and grow ..... forget safe words.. remember honest open communication.

i will now get off my soap box......

Monday Morning Report.....

i have so many thoughts rambling around in this empty head of mine......... (mind you i guess if i have a lot of thoughts rambling around... the head isn't all that empty is it?? )

BUT luckily - Sir and i will be away for a few days at the end of the week (going off to our BDSM summer camp again) and so maybe i will write some blogs for you all to read while i am away..........

This morning i will do a little weekend report.. it is after all Monday.. and it does seem it has become a tradition around The Journey - to have a Monday Morning Report..

After months of my shaving myself.. and after a couple of "ooops" shaving sessions where i shaved more skin than hair..... Sir has taken over shaving me again....... i was trying to describe to someone recently what it is about His shaving me that i like so much..... i think it is the vulnerability of it .......... and the sensual quality of it...... Sir does love to play while He is shaving and it always seems to awaken in me The Desire....... and it tends to focus my head where it should be.... anchor me so to speak........... All that to say Sir shaved me on Friday evening.......... and it felt like coming home..........

Saturday was a quiet day around here........ and just when i was despairing of receiving any pain this weekend......... Sir announced that a little "appetizer" before dinner would be nice. Now being a rather empty headed subbie (these days) i looked at Him rather blankly wondering what in god's name i could serve as an "appetizer" running through ingredients in the fridge and pantry............. turns out Sir meant quite simply .. my ass over the ottoman and the wooden paddle........ work up a little appetite for dinner.. and the main course to follow later in the evening.......

The main course so to speak was for some reason a white knuckle session.. where i clung to the ottoman .. with a really bad attitude... gritting my teeth and muttering more than a few "fucks" because it hurt..........

Sir slowed it right down... and brought me along quite nicely with the crop .. and then the tawse (i think - cause at that point i was just starting to enjoy) and then moved on to the paddle....... whap whap whap WHALLOP.. whap whap whap WHALLOP .. and i was sent off on my little journey to fairy land .. where there are no 'fucks' .. and no hurt feelings.. no feelings of inadequacies.... and no sulks because once again i am over the ottoman .. rather than swinging from the chains or tied to the cross ...........

i am not sure how many of you are aware that Sir has taken on a new ... subbie?? not really subbie.. not yet....... so i guess "trainee" is a more appropriate term. i tend to think of her as "wendy" from Peter Pan........ i am more like one of the lost boys.. always around and frequently getting into trouble.........

Well Sunday Sir had scheduled a visit to 'wendy's' for her first shaving session...... and Sir had granted that i might shave her.. seeing as i have been bemoaning (a little bit) my lack of pussy to play with....... and the old desires for a woman have been whispering in my ear.......

i honestly don't remember ever having shaved a woman before.. (besides myself that is) and i was rather excited about the prospect...... until Sir got 'wendy' up on the table and organised for me................

i think i held my breath for most of the shaving.. not only did i not want to shave 'wendy's' skin off.. i had Sir and Cloud (another Dom friend and i have to say it felt really good to have our old Friend Cloud back with us again) watching my every move..........

And it was a bit of a daunting task.......... she hasn't shaved in ages and ages.........




i tried scissors to clip away some of the overgrowth.......... but it was a tedious job.. so i decided to just get to it.............



i went slow and steady... to avoid nicks and slices.................




and when i was finished.. Sir added the Gold Bond Powder treatment.. and i was pleased to see no lil hairs poking through...........

and as i pointed out to 'wendy' she really does have a nice lil pussy once one can actually see it !!!

And Sunday ended a much too short weekend...........