on being obsessed

i have come to love writing in my blog........ not just about being submissive and my life with Sir.. but about all the little things that touch my life.

i read lots and lots of blogs during a week........ i have favourites (as do many of you) ... i got hooked on one blog that for a long time discussed mostly the S/m part of their relationship....... i got hooked on another that talked about the D/s in their relationship....... and yet another that discussed both .. the D/s and the S/m... i even stumbled across a vanilla blog that discusses life on Block Island...... AND it makes me sad when my favourite blogs disappear... no entries for days or weeks at a time.. sometimes i even drop them a little email asking if everything is ok....... (like i could do anything if things weren't ok!!???) sighhhhhhhhhhh

Someone posted in their blog after a lengthy absence that they hadn't had any good things to write about.. that life sucks sometimes.... and they didn't think anyone would be interested in that......... that made me stop and think......... i write about the good and the bad stuff in my life.. my struggles with the clown at work.. with health issues.. with being a brat some days with Sir .. as well as the fun times.....the floggings.. the needle play.. the serving... and i have to admit i seldom think about the people who will read what i am writing.... or if they will become bored with it....... this blog is NOT a fairy tale.. it is a real life story about my life with Sir. It comes with the all the warts and scars of life as well as the fun entertaining times.

Whatever happens - good or bad - i hope i can keep the words spilling out into this blog..... if nothing else it is very cathartic for me......... and yeah ok.. maybe i am just a little obsessed.............

Turning over a new leaf

i have been struggling for a few weeks now with some major changes to my life - much needed changes. But it is so easy - isn't it - to stay safe within the life one is used to living??

A little over a year ago i was told i had some serious health issues i had to deal with.. they have taken pretty much all my attention and patience....BUT for the last 3 months they seem to be under control - being managed........ so it was time to take a serious look at the rest of my life style and make some further changes.......

i have been .. how shall i put it.. accepting that i am getting older.. that old "war wounds" are just something one must live with......... BUT the more i just lived with these irritants.. the worse they became... and the worse my mood has become.... A dear friend Cloud has taken on 2 submissives to train...... and the training has included an exercise routine. i have been reading their blogs:ling’s blog and pup’s blog and became inspired (i guess is the right word) to take back my body from the gremlins who seem to have taken possession of it . In a conversation with Cloud and Sir, Cloud agreed to get ling to send off the exercise routine. And He and Sir decided that Cloud will visit on Thursday and coach me on the routine.

For the last two days i have been sweating and working at doing this routine. It has not been easy after all these years to convince my ole bod that it can really do this !!! But i am plugging along .. doing the best i can.. with what i have to work with.. sigh.. (old body)
Also Sir and i discussed my growing exhaustion..... and it was decided that the pc would be turned off around 9 p.m. each evening.. a nice hot bath and bed would be in order.. more sleep is a wonderful thing !!! As well i have decided to watch what foods i eat. Not diet!!! i personally HATE that word.. just watch what foods i eat.. eat a little less.. exercise a little more.. just take back my body!!!

TA DA! i am turning over a new leaf........

cataloguing

Sir gives me tasks from time to time to work on while He is away from the condo. Most of the time i love being given tasks, it helps me feel connected to Sir and helps me stay focused on what is important.... Some times the tasks are straight forward and simple to complete... other times i miss the mark and have to re-do them.....

That was the case with my last task.. to catalogue the "toys". Now actually Sir didn't put it that way....... He told me to "take pictures of the toys" so that He had a record. i thought i understood the need for this task.. Our toy chest has grown rather large over the past few years........ AND we now have downstairs and upstairs toys. AND now when we go to a play party or to camp and i am told to pack the toys, it is next to impossible to pack ALL the toys. How many toys do we have .. you ask?? Neither Sir nor i had any idea.... But trust me when i say i could not pack all the toys for a play party...... mostly because it would be a waste of time.. There is no way Sir would manage to use them all in an evening, nor would they all appeal to His mood. Therefore .. take pictures.




i thought i did a good job on Sunday afternoon.. lining up all like minded toys and photographing them.... all the floggers together.. all the "hard" toys together.. all the canes and then all the paddles.....But that was not what Sir had had in mind. He wanted each toy photographed separately and numbered so that it is easy for Him to give me a packing list - pack #'s 9 17 18 20 24 27 and 30. Also i realized as i laboured over this photographing task yesterday afternoon.... that now there is no wiggle room for this lil subbie.

In the past Sir would say pack a couple of floggers, a tawse, the whip.. a crop .. etc.. and i would stand in front of the toy wall (i have the toys all neatly hung, decorating a wall in the play room) and chose the toys i like best, within the parameters of Sir's directions. Even with the really OUCH toys there are ones i prefer over others. And so each toy bag that left the condo would hold my favourite toys... never ever any of the truly hated toys.

The thing that surprised me the most....... was the sheer number of toys we have collected over the years. We have a grand total of 30 toys ........ and that is not including the knife (which i forgot to photograph) or the needles or the candles. (do needles and candles count?? ) And the other interesting thing for me was that about half the toys are mine.. toys i have made .. or gifts that have been given.. or ones i just had to have and bought. If the day ever comes that the toys must be separated as Sir and i go our separate ways, my toy wall will not be as bare as i once thought it might be.......

But this cataloguing has begged the question - "how many toys does one need?" Is this another version of the old saying "he who dies with the most toys wins?" But there is always that one toy that is just a wee bit different.... a wee bit prettier.. a wee bit more wicked .................... too many toys???? Nah.... just the right number i think !!!

self flageliation

Yesterday Cloud made a tongue in cheek comment while we were all standing outside a Bible book store about doing some flageliation. We all laughed at the thought.... and moved on. But those words stayed imbedded in my lil subbie brain. This morning i have been trying to sort out some 'bad' feelings i am dealing with... and i realized.. EUREKA!! i am doing self flageliation - making myself hurt.

Oh i am not using floggers or whips .. i am using thoughts......... and boy oh boy! they hurt much more than any flogger or whip could. IF my Sir didn't have time for me.. didn't spoil me.. didn't take such good care of me.. i might have a good reason for this "self flagelation" - problem is He takes excellent care of me. So why oh why am i falling into this trap - hurting myself.. and in the long run hurting my Sir ???

If there are problems with me.. i am the one responsible for them... me and only me... if there are solutions to the problems i must find them and make them work.... i have no one to blame for these feelings only me....... i can't turn back the clock.. i can't be 20 again...... but i can be the best damn 50 something i can be........... it is time to put the self flagelation away .. time to make some changes.... time to get off my ass and make myself the person i want to be...... no one to blame but myself.........

pictures

i rarely post pictures of myself......... Sir does enough of that for both of U/us i guess.
As a child /young person i hated pictures books... i wanted to create my own pictures of what someone looked like.. or what a scene looked like... it kinda spoiled my fun to have the pictures neatly displaying the author's view of things...... When i DO post pictures on my blog most often they are pretty abstract depictions of my mind's image. i hope i leave enough room for your imagination to take what i offer and run with it........

However this morning i was thinking of pictures that i get in my head during sessions... yesterday Sir had announced i would be having a session at 9pm......... now that may not sound terribly late to most of you...... but to this "old" lady who wakes each morning around 5 and flops into bed most nights by 10....... 9 sounded VERY late.. i dragged my feet going downstairs.. literally and figuratively... all i could think was i am sooo tired... gimme a break!! But then Sir was not in any mind set to give this lil subbie a break......... after all.. Friday night 9 o'clock in the play room might be the only time this entire weekend that Sir gets a chance to beat this ass..........

As the first flogger started whooooshing through the air, the pictures were vivid in my mind's eye............ i could see myself hanging from the cross with my arms stretched high above me - my body was fast cooling off.. getting chilly .. developing goosebumps.. the air currents created by the flogger felt like Artic winds blowing across my naked skin..i could see myself shivering .. i could see myself - not in the playroom - but strung between two trees on some snowy icy landscape.....

change of toy - change of picture ........ this one brings on images of hundreds and hundreds of bees stinging my ass.. over and over again... i dance from one foot to the other trying to chase the stinging away.....wanting to feel a cool hand soothing the itching burning stinging feelings from my body........

another change of toy.. this time the whip....... at first Sir teased me it.... barely flicking across the skin of my ass and back.. barely kissing my body....... my pictures evaporated completely and i turned to look at Sir wondering what He was up to.. then the flick of the whip came closer .. taking wee small bites out of my body....... then it became a whirling derbish of pain that ran from the tops of my thighs to the top of my body...... my mind saw it as though it were whirling around me... completely encircling me in pain........

the crop followed... and i could see the welts rising with each hit..... scarlet red welts against white skin....... burning hot.. more and more welts till they all melted into to one large red welt across my ass........

then Helmuts toy from hell and now i could see the skin breaking, bits flicking off... blood slowly oozing down my legs..

and finally the hard wooden paddle......... this was the final curtain on the pictures/movie that had been playing in my mind eye's for almost an hour............ hard cold wooden paddle placed firmly across my ass .. telegraphing where to expect the hit.. hard fast and making me dance an Irish jig under the cross..... and soon sobs.. heart wrenching sobs.......... tears streaming down my face leaving rivers of mascara down my cheeks ......... NOW my Sirs arms warmly wrapped around me.. holding me safe.. His scent making its way through the fog wrapping itself around my mind holding it tight to Him as well....

and the picture show ends...........