S.A.M.

S.A.M. is a smart assed masochist. Something i always swore i wouldn't become. Today i am wondering ... am i turning into a SAM???

My ass itches.. literally.. for a flogging... it nearly drove me nuts today at work...from time to time i could almost feel the stripe of the cane or the fall of the flogger..... and i would wiggle and wiggle on my chair. Yesterday i said that sometimes my need just kinda spills over - when that happens i usually feel restless or irritable or vaguely uneasy. i most definitely have difficulty focusing on the job at hand.... tend to clock watch a whole lot more than usual .. and calendar watch .. waiting for Friday.

But this is the worst it has been in a long long time. Sir assigned two tasks this week...... and for the life of me i can NOT remember what they were. He sent me an email saying "TASKS?" and i stared blankly at the screen. i could hear Sir saying "write things down!!" and my mind wandered to His writing my tasks on my body so that i wouldn't forget them........ (remnants from Saturday's humiliation workshop??) My mind is all over the place.. hopping between jobs for my business that need to get done.. jobs that need to be completed at my "real" job..... housework that is piling up at home.. and now tasks??!!

i can only hope that some great Dom in the sky will reach down and clear the fog that clutters my brain and reveals what tasks i am supposed to be doing.. BEFORE i get the rep of turning into a S.A.M.

emotional storm

i am tired tonite... so very very tired....and feeling just a tad emotional. Once upon a time i could blame the emotional crap on "that time of the month" but i haven't had a "that time of the month" for a couple of years now..... No i believe i have had some emotional buttons pushed ... and i am feeling shakey and just a tad emotional.

To start it was a busy weekend.. the workshops on Saturday.. coffee with friends for a good part of Sunday afternoon.. and entertaining a 'guest' for dinner on Monday. Not a whole lot of time to squeeze in any play.. though to be honest Sir did do a wax session, and another paddling marathon (not an hour but still a good long time)......... yet i feel a little under used. i have so much to offer it spills over sometimes and i am left feeling vaguely uneasy.

To make matters worse, the 'guest' we entertained yesterday was an ex girlfriend of Sir's......... very "ex" .. years have passed.. they stayed friends..... she was in town.... and the stars were aligned just right .. and Sir invited her to dinner.

i am not sure anyone will understand my initial reaction to her. When she walked through the door with Sir... it was like i was struck by some force.. i felt a tightness in my chest and i realized she made me feel very uncomfortable. This has never happened to me before.. usually my first impressions involve feelings like "shyness" or " stuck up" or " fun" or "nope don't like"... but never before have i been hit with a feeling like this one. (and before anyone tries to second guess this feeling.. it had nothing to do with her being an "ex" .. i have met a few of Sir's ex's.. and have liked them). i spent the first part of her time here cooking dinner.. which gave me an excuse to flutter in and out and around. The discomfort i was feeling didn't really abate. Over dinner Sir initiated a discussion about BDSM.. C was receptive to the discussion especially since Sir had already shown her the playroom downstairs. But i felt fidgety.......... (Sir and i had discussed.... earlier in the day... the possible chance she might wish to view a session between Sir and i.... a flogging as He called it.) It didn't happen.......... actually when Sir suggested going downstairs to see the "toys" and to discuss the differences between them...... C said fine but "she" (pointing to me) can stay upstairs. My jaw hit the floor........... i couldn't believe that C would be that forward.. that bold.. that .. that .. that...??!!! Sir then back pedalled and suggested that i take C downstairs......... but the moment passed and no one went downstairs.

This evening over dinner Sir and i discussed C... and i know i am secure in being Sir's #1 subbie........ there is no contest....... yet i can't help wondering "what if " Sir had taken C downstairs"........... "what if" Sir had flogged C....... where would we all be tonite????

An emotional storm is raging inside me........

thanks BUT no thanks...

Saturday was an amazing learning experience for me.. First there was Midori's bondage workshop which kept me on the edge of my seat with heart pounding longing. (Now why couldn't i have been selected to volunteer for THAT workshop??) The way she manipulated those ropes...... wrapping .. binding.. teasing, arousing with them was a thing of beauty! She called it a "dance" and it truly was a dance !!! It wasn't a boring lesson of how to tie knots, how to make everything symmetrical, looking pretty... oh no.. it was about the sensual feel of the ropes, the sensual feel of command in HER bindings. This workshop could easily be called " the sensual dance of the ropes" It was an amazing thing of beauty!!!

We broke for supper and after supper was the humiliation workshop...... the one i was volunteered to be the victim for.. no wait.. i was volunteered to be the guinea pig for .. no no ... that's not it.. i was volunteered to be a "volunteer"!!! a Volunteer yeah!!! a volunteer!

When we arrived back at the club.. Midori approached me almost immediately and said to me .. "you don't fantasize about humiliation do you??" nope not at all.... Midori then very tactfully explained that she would not be able to use me during the workshop.. She needed someone who at least "fantasized" about it.

Was i disappointed ?? it had been one of my quandries last week.. if i wasn't selected would i be disappointed that i didn't get to experience humiliation first hand..... know what?? i wasn't the least bit disappointed. It did not take very long for me to realize just how much humiliation is a pretty scary form of edgeplay. Edgeplay for the mind, the psyche, and the entire self. i am a pretty grounded person ... and pretty adventuresome .. but humiliation play is most definitely NOT for me. For those that thrive on humiliation.. more power to ya !!!! but for me.. it is a definite "thanks BUT no thanks" form of play...............

My one and only regret really is that we didn't get to play afterwards.. or watch some friends of ours from south of the border play. i would have enjoyed that. But the heat in the club was unbearable, it was late, and so Sir and i quietly slipped away into the dark of the night.......

on continuing education....

Sir and i are scheduled to attend two workshops by Midori this Saturday. i wanted to go to the evening workshop On Humiliation and Sir wanted to go to the afternoon one on Bondage.....sooooooo we are going to both AND a play party that will follow the evening workshop.

Earlier this week one of the organisers approached Sir and i via email asking if Sir would give permission for Midori to use me as a "volunteer" for the Humiliation workshop. Part of me desperately hoped Sir would agree.. the other part of me wanted to run screaming ...find a big hole.. climb in and pull the top down over me. Sir gave His permission. i have been flip flopping between being excited and terrified. i have NO idea what humiliation play is really...... which is why i wanted to take the ding dang workshop in the first place.

i have decided that this is not a 'fait accompli' just yet. Perhaps there are other volunteers .. more than enough volunteers... and Midori will decide She doesn't need all of us and i will be allowed to escape to the quiet subbie corner. BUT then will i be disappointed that i didn't get to experience humiliation??

i wonder IF i am one of the chosen few.... will i be able to handle humiliation?? i have nightmares of my strong side coming out and lambasting Midori .... or my weak side coming out and landing up in a puddle of tears.

Just like a kid getting ready to enter school for the first time i am excitedly nervous. But then maybe i will just get to sit in the good subbie corner and diligently take notes.......

A task

When i arrived home yesterday there was an email from Sir with a task - "you are to masturbate with your favourite toy and send Me a pic ". This was the first time Sir has ever assigned a task like that ...... and i found it exciting. There was no time limit set, so i decided to play with the task in my head. i do that sometimes... imagine all sorts of scenarios. It seems to heighten my enjoyment. The main thing i was pondering was how to take the picture while i was masturbating.

Now i know if Sir were here, He would have instructed me on time delayed pictures, using the tripod etc. But i was left to my own devices. i approached the whole idea / challenge as though it was a project for work. i positioned a teddy of mine about where the toy would be.. got pillows and placed them so many inches away.. placed the camera on the pillows and then realized i wouldn't be able to reach the buttons on the camera !!!! Back to the drawing board!!

When i finally decided i had teased myself quite sufficiently with the planning, i threw teddy on the floor, grabbed the camera and the favourite toy and just started playing with one hand and shooting with the other...... rather hit and miss. i never realized how heavy a camera can be when one is holding it with one hand BUT concentrating on vibrating toys !!! i was much more interested in the pictures than the masturbating.... when i thought i had enough pics i just dropped the vibrator on the bed beside me and switched the camera to view and scrolled through them. To my amazement the first picture was really the only one that turned out. And imagine my shock and surprise to see what a hairy beast i am!! Two weeks of no shaving and this is the result (shudder). i certainly hope a hot wax session is not on the books for this weekend - at least NOT before Sir shaves me!!!

As i type this lil blog rambling on and on.. i wonder what point i am trying to make. i do like there to be some sort of rhyme and reason to my blogs........ and i believe this task Sir gave me, and the recounting of it here, is really a way to keep me firmly grounded in what is important in my life this year. It is not THE JOB, but my life with Sir.. my journey with Sir.
And the realization that "tasks" can be fun !!!!!!! as well as.. ummm.. stimulating!!!