Ungodly hour

I woke this morning at the ungodly hour of 4 AM.  Why - only the gods know - and they aren't telling me.

4 AM is the quietest time of the day - and the darkest.  And it is the time of day when all sorts of silly thoughts run through my head........ truly bouncing ball thoughts........ about the girls (my daughters)... about work....... about W........ about past and present and future ............ All these thoughts just stream past my consciousness and barely linger long enough for me to get a hold on any one of them.

This morning - out of boredom I guess - I started reading blogs I haven't read in months and months....... got caught up too......... but even reading those blogs was more like scanning them......... just getting impressions - vague smokey pictures -  wispy pictures of their lives............ 

And all the while in the background - vague smokey pictures - wispy pictures of my life were running through my head............ sometimes with voice over - but mostly just a silent filmstrip ............ 

The one theme that was clearer - the one theme that kinda stood out ... kinda stuck with me.. was how I am becoming more and more submissive with W.......... 


In the past when W would demand something - only an owner would/could demand - I would get this cheeky look on my face and say something to the effect of " nothing around my neck - nope - don't see anything around my neck - ain't gonna happen"


But this past weekend - I found myself fetching him water..... carrying the packages.... opening doors for Him....called him "my Sir" to others...... bowing to his whim and desires........ once I heard my mother's voice saying "if they get what they want - they won't stay around" ......... but I shut her voice out............. cause I am submissive........ and I only want to be submissive to one man....to Him..... fighting the urges isn't working.......... so I will be who I am inside ..... not give him cheeky smart assed quips......... just do it cause it makes ME feel good - makes ME feel like I am in the right place.......

And that my dear friends is what I think about at the ungodly hour of 4 AM when all the world is still asleep - and even miss ashes gave me THE look - rolled over.. snuggled deeper into the covers and went back to sleep.........