Tuesday, May 09, 2017
After a tiring day of organizing the trailer we put the lil one to bed and went into our bedroom and shut the door. The above picture is not of our bedroom (I'll take one soon and post I promise) but it's pretty damn close. AND the door closes pretty much at the foot of the bed.
I laid on my back barely moving or breathing..... the lil one was tossing and turning just outside the door..... I felt a knot forming in my stomach. HOW could we make love even quietly with her so close??!! I had a vision of the whole summer passing with us lying stiff as boards beside each other. Sir Steve asked what was wrong and I gave my pat answer 'nothing' .......which for the record infuriates him! But there were so many thoughts tumbling around in my head -- and I was feeling selfish for wanting sex -- and selfish for wishing we had some privacy. Finally good sense won out -- I told myself I could go on lying flat on my back barely breathing, not talking and most definitely not having sex -- or Sir Steve and I could talk it out.
I realized if it was one of my daughters outside the bedroom door sex wouldn't bother me in the least...... but this wasn't my daughter..... and I felt like it wasn't my decision to make. The words tumbled out -- present fears...... future fears. Sir Steve repeated his fear that his child and his ex would be too much 'baggage' for me. He held me close and in the darkness of the bedroom we worked things out.
And we made sweet love .... which I so needed ! not so much on a physical level as a mental one. Last week when I had that cancer screening -- it felt like my body was just a 'thing' ..... a specimen under a magnifying glass. I needed - desperately - to take back my body -- to feel like a sensual being again. I needed Sir Steve to hold me and fuck me and to feel the tears of joy that come every single time..... and to feel alive again. Trust me when I say -- my body is mine again..... and everything is right with the world....
And that dear friends is a very good thing !