Monday, April 24, 2017

Non Verbal


I'm pretty non-verbal right now -- so this will be short and sweet........

Things happen you know -- and I get broadsided -- don't see it coming -- when that happens I am kinda knocked on my ass -- left limp and non-verbal for awhile (there's never any 'expiration date' on it -- it just seems to pass ) 

Through no one's fault !  I had a social anxiety attack this weekend -- a pretty bad one -- and I couldn't move out of the chair I was in... on some stranger's porch -- I couldn't go find Sir Steve and grab his hand ... I just got smaller and smaller in the chair -- wishing these strangers would stop talking to me -- stop making jokes with me (cause I wasn't getting them and the old feelings of 'everyone having the rules to the game' hit hard and I tend to get paralyzed) and I wished I could get warm -- the longer we sat on that porch into the late evening the colder I got..... shivering.... teeth chattering cold.  

And I was frozen in place - literally and figuratively.

And I didn't sleep much Saturday night -- and the same last night.  Night terrors stalk my dream land..... and I wake feeling scared like a 4 year old who wakes from a bad dream and calls for "Daddy"...... but I have no one to call for... I am left in the dark with my heart pounding and the stabbing pain in my skull and the fear that eats me from the inside out.

Today will be a 'try and pull it together' day I think -- though I will still drag my ass into school and see my lil guy in the wheel chair -- but then I will come home to my lil apartment where I feel safe ......... 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...............

 

2 comments:

Domhnall the Second said...

All my life I have been hard wired to try to fix things and I hate the impotent feeling when I have nothing to offer. Having said that, may I say that this post is beautifully written. Thank you.

Ana said...

Gentle hugs for (((Morningstar)))