I visited with my therapist on Monday this week. She asked about my anger - at him - but more importantly with myself.
I told her that the big step / realization I had had this month was that there doesn't have to be a lot of drama anymore - that I can handle things the way I think is best - there are no voices telling me / ordering me to do things this way or that way.
We talked about how excited I am that I am going home for Christmas - and that I can stay as long as I want - or as short a time as I want - no more catering to anyone but myself.. that I am able to put myself first - and my needs/wants first. Now that is definitely a learning curve :)
We talked about the positives in my life - like loosing all the weight - the cancer free diagnosis from last week - to good friends who support me and are there for me.
And we talked about how lonely it is sometimes. And how folks (some folks) are telling me to get myself out there again - find a "fuck budddy" find a new significant other - make use of my big bedroom ........... and I filled up with tears - cause I told her I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again to get that close to me....when I look down the path I am on now - I don't see myself EVER being with anyone again. It just feels so much safer being by myself. No one can ever hurt me again - not like he did.
She jumped in immediately (usually she just lets me ramble on and on -- but not over this) She said it was way too early to be thinking of finding someone - be it a fuck buddy or a significant other. That was why I can't "see myself" with anyone - it's too soon - I have too many wounds that need to heal - I need to find my courage and my self esteem and learn to love myself again.
I wish I could believe her - that sometime - somewhere down this path - long winding path - that there will be someone who will love me and appreciate me and want me as much as I want him............... but right now - in this place that I am - I don't see it. I am feeling too old - too used up. I didn't tell her that.......... but it is muddling around in my head..... who would want this old lady??? and it makes me very sad... like I have wasted so much of my life........ and now am facing being alone till the end.
As our hour together wound down - she said she thought I had turned a corner with my healing ........... those words have stuck with me........ I don't feel like I have turned any corner! I will admit to making strides forward - but turning a corner - nope I don't see it.