Yesterday was not a good day. It was a "terrible horrible no good very bad day". I was busy - I went to the gym - I ran some messages - bought some more Christmas gifts - walked 10,000+ steps - BUT - when the dark descended and I closed the curtains -- like a monster creeping out of the shadows - my day became a "terrible horrible, no good, very bad day". And I cried - a lot.
And I can't explain why.
My therapist tells me this is to be expected. I am not losing my mind - quite the opposite - my mind (and body) is healing. I am to learn to accept these feelings - work my way through them - and the bad days will eventually become farther and farther apart. ( I would like this improvement to be instantaneous - but it's not)
Yesterday fear was the ruling emotion. It started with a Christmas party I have been invited to for the company I have been working for since last June. It is being held 4 hours away from me. The "boss" rented rooms in the hotel for us out of towners. I was sort of ok with the idea at the beginning - but it has been rolling around in the back of my mind. Truthfully I just don't have the extra cash anymore for splurging. And trust me a $170 hotel room - and two days of meals - and the gas required to get to and from this party is not in my budget!!
AND then - four days after this party - I have another cancer test. The last one - three months ago - I wasn't worried - didn't even think of it - and yet the cancer was back. I have lost my confidence. So I am scared again. Terrified is a better word.
And so last night once the curtains were closed to keep the dark out - I curled up on the sofa and felt my world closing in on me. Fear eating away at my psyche....... turning my day into a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".
Healing IS a long process - a painful process.