Friday, November 06, 2015

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Yesterday was not a good day.  It was a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".  I was busy - I went to the gym - I ran some messages - bought some more Christmas gifts - walked 10,000+ steps - BUT - when the dark descended and I closed the curtains  -- like a monster creeping out of the shadows - my day became a "terrible horrible, no good, very bad day".  And I cried - a lot.

And I can't explain why.

My therapist tells me this is to be expected.  I am not losing my mind - quite the opposite - my mind (and body) is healing.  I am to learn to accept these feelings - work my way through them - and the bad days will eventually become farther and farther apart.  ( I would like this improvement to be instantaneous - but it's not)

Yesterday fear was the ruling emotion.  It started with a Christmas party I have been invited to for the company I have been working for since last June.  It is being held 4 hours away from me.  The "boss" rented rooms in the hotel for us out of towners.  I was sort of ok with the idea at the beginning - but it has been rolling around in the back of my mind.  Truthfully I just don't have the extra cash anymore for splurging.  And trust me a $170 hotel room - and two days of meals - and the gas required to get to and from this party is not in my budget!!

AND then - four days after this party - I have another cancer test.  The last one - three months ago - I wasn't worried - didn't even think of it - and yet the cancer was back.  I have lost my confidence.  So I am scared again.  Terrified is a better word.

And so last night once the curtains were closed to keep the dark out - I curled up on the sofa and felt my world closing in on me.  Fear eating away at my psyche....... turning my day into a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".

Healing IS a long process - a painful process.  

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