My life is falling into a routine - finally.
I go to the gym every morning.... and then after lunch I start working on the computer - doing this new job - and sweating bullets.
No no - that's not entirely true - I am finally getting the hang of the program and the content the "client" is expecting us to turn into a hollywood production. Thank god for YouTube - as I have managed to teach myself a few editing tricks by watching the videos.
I find myself thinking less and less about BDSM and lack of a dominant in my life. I figure IF I am meant to be involved - meant to have a dominant - it will happen............ if not?? shrug.... then life will be quite mundane and vanilla.
At times I do miss the connection a submissive has with her Dominant - but then I just push it all out of my head and concentrate harder on the "job". After all - truthfully - who wants a 60+ year old submissive without the perky breasts and perky body - and perky everything??!!! (and if I let my mind go in that direction - it only spells disaster for my self esteem - so enough of that!)
There is no off switch for those thoughts..... and I pretend to everyone 'out there' that everything is fine and I am quite happy with the way things are............. but deep down inside there is an emptiness - a big hollow hole - that I am not sure will ever be filled. And that makes me quite sad.