I have been doing a lot of soul searching...... and head banging... and yeah some crying... This has been a very painful ending ............ and a new beginning seemed so difficult - so very hard to take that first step forward - would I fall?? would I crash and burn ???? or would I walk straight on - head held high.
W used to say to me all the time when I was scared of something - "baby steps - just take baby steps". And so I have been working on taking baby steps forward.
And I have had absolutely amazing friends supporting me.... from a couple showing up after dinner one night and "kidnapping me" to go out for coffee (and no thunder bolt came down out of the heavens and struck me dead for going out without permission) - to friends who gently nudged me forward by going to munches with me - or agreeing to meet me at munches.. to being encouraged to come and sleep over so I could go to a munch - friends who just dropped in when I went a little too quiet - to laugh with me and chat with me....friends who offered everything from spankings to fuckings (I have to admit that made me laugh - fuck buddy??? I can't see myself as someone's fuck buddy) friends who suggested I start negotiating with different Tops for rope, for spankings, for whatever I wanted. Believe it or not - it was such a new concept for me after 15 years as one man's submissive that I could and SHOULD start negotiating for the things I wanted... and that I had the right to want those things!
And yesterday I took one enormous giant heart pounding baby step. I agreed to a play date!! me !! all by myself!! no safety net - no W standing off to the side watching - protecting - monitoring. I packed my toy bag. I got in my car. I punched in the address in the GPS and I drove myself. My hands were shaking - my heart was pounding. I was torn - really torn. Should I be doing this???? and then I was there - and we were laughing and talking and going through my bag looking at the toys... and then - well then we were playing.......... and it all just kinda fell into place.
Need I say it was a HUGE success???
And this play session made me realize the whole world is open before me. I am ready to step outside my comfort zone - go exploring - have fun - laugh and play and find me........ cause somewhere over the last 13+ years I think I lost "me"....... and I am discovering the woman that has been hiding all these years is really an ok woman...... and people actually like her ........ AND there is life after collared submission.
And the other thing I HAVE to say - W and I are (I hope) starting to heal too. He was my best friend before he was ever my Sir....... I am hoping we can work our way back to "best friends" again. .... going out to movies and dinner and laughing and sharing and supporting each other. Baby steps I know....... but that is my hope... to find my "bestie" again.........