Tuesday, May 05, 2015
I have been struggling (duh - now there's a revelation right) recently about what/who I am.
I have been told that I was not a very good sub. Lord knows I tried......... and have written about how difficult it is to be a sub in a void - a good one or a bad one - I turned out to be more of an "indifferent" one.... in a void.
Now that I am not "owned" by anyone - trying to see myself as a submissive is even harder than seeing that submissive in a void. I have poked at different labels/roles - poked gently - and non too gently......... brat, submissive, slave, primal, masochist, bottom - poked and prodded - tried them on in a small lil changing room in my head. Which one fits best??? Do any of them fit??? Never mind all the other labels that hang off me like some loose price tag in a dress shop. Mother, friend, photographer, grandma.............. ughhhhhhhh am I doomed to spend the rest of my life trying to sort this out??? Or just pack up my bags and move to a quiet corner of the Universe never to be seen again??? It was so much easier before when I was just a submissive (even a bad one) at least I knew what the hell I was!
And then this morning I read (on Fetlife) the most eye opening - inspiring piece of writing I have read in a long time. It was called "Labels and Roles - Where do I fit in" by compliKated. I think she wrote it just for me. ( She referenced a children's book "Ish" by Peter Reynolds. How did I teach for 20+ years and never came across this book??!!!) Anyway............. compliKated made me sit up and pay attention. She said she is "brat-ish, sub-ish, primal-ish" (and much much more)...... she helped me to see it is OK to be "ish" ........ I don't have to be - can't be - just one thing.
So ISH it is.......... brat-ish, bottom-ish, submissive-ish, primal-ish, old-ish, mother-ish, masochist-ish. What fun!!! I can be all of it and more........... Just don't "squish my ish" cause then I may become angry-ish!