Friday, April 10, 2015
Not many people know this story - not many at all.......
When I was very little some bad things happened to me......... I learned how to cope. I built a wall - a big strong brick wall to keep all the bad things out .. and to keep me safe inside. Inside was safe - I was the only one behind the wall and no one could reach me - or touch me - or hurt me. That was a good thing.
Over the years I just kept adding bricks to the wall - I didn't trust people in general. I had seen/experienced too much pain - too much hurt. I just kept adding bricks and bricks and more bricks. In my mind's eye - it was a strong castle of stone walls with no doors - no way for anyone to reach me.
All I ever let anyone see was the socially acceptable me. The laughing/joking well adjusted cheeky me. I made my life's work helping little kids like me - trying to help them heal the hurt. But never once did I take down my wall..... cause I knew .. I knew! that the hurt and the pain was just waiting to come swarming in.... weird eh?? I helped (or think I helped) so many little kiddies deal with hurt / pain and move on... and yet I only ever felt safe behind my wall.
Inside those walls was a scared frightened little girl - who didn't trust people. Who believed people only hurt
Then W came along.
And slowly - baby steps he used to say - he took one brick down........ and then another... slowly till the wall was all but gone. He reached out his hand to me - I shied away - I pulled back - my wall was gone and I was so damn frightened....... only bad things could happen now.... only bad things........ and it scared me.
Baby Steps - baby steps....
W would reach into my hiding place and wait for me to take his hand.
Baby Steps - baby steps........
And slowly - very slowly! I reached out my hand to him.
He taught me to trust him...... he taught me to laugh for real - he taught me to love and live - but most importantly he taught me to trust. I gently laid my heart in his hands.... trusting he would guard it - care for it..... I trusted him and my walls were gone and it felt wonderful!
But now things have changed. I was right along. People hurt other people - whether they mean to or not. They do it.
And so now I pick up a brick and put it in place....... and another and another..... I want my big strong walls again - i want to crawl inside and feel safe again...... i want to protect myself from the hurt and the pain........
And this time - no one - NO ONE - will convince me to take one brick out of the wall - because I know the truth......... it just hurts too much.