Friday, April 10, 2015

Walls






Not many people know this story - not many at all....... 

When I was very little some bad things happened to me......... I learned how to cope.  I built a wall - a big strong brick wall to keep all the bad things out .. and to keep me safe inside.  Inside was safe - I was the only one behind the wall and no one could reach me - or touch me - or hurt me.  That was a good thing.

Over the years I just kept adding bricks to the wall - I didn't trust people in general.  I had seen/experienced too much pain - too much hurt.  I just kept adding bricks and bricks and more bricks.  In my mind's eye - it was a strong castle of stone walls with no doors - no way for anyone to reach me.

All I ever let anyone see was the socially acceptable me.  The laughing/joking well adjusted cheeky me.  I made my life's work helping little kids like me - trying to help them heal the hurt.  But never once did I take down my wall..... cause I knew .. I knew! that  the hurt and the pain was just waiting to come swarming in....  weird eh?? I helped (or think I helped) so many little kiddies deal with hurt / pain and move on... and yet I only ever felt safe behind my wall.

Inside those walls was a scared frightened little girl - who didn't trust people.  Who believed people only hurt 
 


Then W came along.

And slowly - baby steps he used to say - he took one brick down........ and then another... slowly till the wall was all but gone.  He reached out his hand to me - I shied away - I pulled back - my wall was gone and I was so damn frightened....... only bad things could happen now.... only bad things........ and it scared me.

Baby Steps - baby steps....

W would reach into my hiding place and wait for me to take his hand.  

Baby Steps - baby steps........

And slowly - very slowly!  I reached out my hand to him.  

He taught me to trust him...... he taught me to laugh for real - he taught me to love and live - but most importantly he taught me to trust.  I gently laid my heart in his hands.... trusting he would guard it - care for it..... I trusted him and my walls were gone and it felt wonderful!


But now things have changed.  I was right along.  People hurt other people - whether they mean to or not.  They do it.  

And so now I pick up a brick and put it in place....... and another and another..... I want my big strong walls again - i want to crawl inside and feel safe again...... i want to protect myself from the hurt and the pain........ 

And this time - no one - NO ONE - will convince me to take one brick out of the wall - because I know the truth......... it just hurts too much.

 

 

3 comments:

Sir said...

I AM SORRY, very sorry I have now forced you to build walls again. I guess my lessons about people just didn't work, yet another failure on MY part.

The world is going to lose something good with those walls go up!!

Again, I am sorry I have failed you...

W

Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet friend. Please don't do that.

mini me

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish there was something I could do or say to help. While I so absolutely understand the desire to rebuild those walls, my instincts tell me that they don't really keep you safe, they just keep you from being properly alive. When we are vulnerable to others, we open ourselves up to deep love and to deep hurt. It is a risk, but I think it is one we should take. Holding you in my thoughts, a lurker xxx