Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Sir is in Montreal for the week. A good friend is having surgery and he has gone to hand hold and drive and visit and do anything else he can to make this time easier for her.
I am here alone
because - well I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow over some questionable goings on in my uterus.
and because I wasn't invited to come. These are his friends. And as much as I try to pretend they accept me I don't feel accepted. They are his friends.
I tried to convince myself this time alone would be fun. After all I lived on my own for many years. But it feels very different now. I catch myself tip toeing around his house as though I might disturb something ....... I stop before making a meal cause I have forgotten (I guess) how to make a meal I want when I want how I want.
Even dear lil miss ashes is reacting to his being gone. She is curled up in his place in the TV room. She turned up her nose at supper and refused to leave his spot to come to bed with me. Even she feels his absence.
Then last night we chatted briefly on facebook - and he asked if I had gone out for dinner. I sat staring at the screen - how did he know??? I had forgotten this house is wired and videoed and it talks to him via his phone. Even this morning at 6 something he knew I was up and on facebook (I always go on facebook first) and he popped up in the chat window to check on me.
So maybe I am not as alone as I thought.
Maybe I just miss his physical presence......... his voice .... the need to follow his routines....
Maybe I am really truly submissive longing for the sound of my "Master's voice"