Monday, September 26, 2011

Navel gazing


Usually on Mondays I have some juicy report about getting my ass beat... or being fucked or some other titillating bit of news.

Unfortunately not this Monday.

I had to (to save what little sanity I have left) spend the weekend cleaning the house/doing laundry / trying to get my personal life under some sort of control.  So I cleaned and I scrubbed, and I oiled (wood furniture) and I washed clothes and ironed clothes............. boring 

But there was an interesting (well to me anyway) reaction to all this cleaning. 

On Saturday morning I no more felt like cleaning - then I felt like running around the complex naked.  I just wanted to snuggle up in my pjs and waste my day playing on the computer/net.  I did spend a few hours doing just that............ but there was this nagging voice in my head telling me to get off my ass......... telling me I had said "no" to all W's plans for the weekend because of all this work......... and somehow if I didn't get it all done....... somehow ... I would have let him down.

That "letting him down" voice was my submissive side........... even though I no longer wear his collar - I still react as though he owns me.  And I knew .. KNEW.... W wouldn't have cared the slightest little bit if I had snuggled in my pjs all weekend long.  

So why did I get up and clean and scrub and wash and iron all weekend???? 
I am still trying to figure that one out.  Honest.  Why??? I answer to no one except myself ........ so why did I kill myself all weekend - get virtually no rest - when I could have pampered myself and spoiled myself and recharged my batteries??? 

Why am I still reacting / acting as a submissive when I wear no collar around my neck??? Why would I feel guilty because I was being lazy when I had said I had to clean?

UGH

i am going round and round in circles.  


I am submissive - there is no doubt in my mind about that............ I need to have a leader... I need to feel like I am making Him proud....... I need to feel His strength .. His hand guiding me .. my every task/chore......... my very being.........

And yet even without that I still do what I know I should do ............ 
Does that make me crazy?? a total nut case???

I think I will go back to navel gazing........... cause I just don't have the answer

5 comments:

Ordalie said...

It may also have been partly the voice of reason: you would still have to do it the following week-end. Anyway we all know you like to live in a well-scrubbed house :)

drakor66 said...

justs makes you human

saffy said...

omg ... i read this all the way through, and then wondered what it had to do with navel glazing .....yes i read the title wrong!!!!
And my thoughts on why you do this is because you and your Sir are very much still connected and in my opinion, a collar is not just the material thing that we wear about our necks..... it is something that is ingrained your soul , your heat your whole being.... ( which you know already so why am i typing it :-)) )
hugs
saffy

viemoira said...

It is interesting you note that he would not have cared if you did just snuggle up in your pjs. I often feel guilty even when Master allows me to have down time...
:\
~viemoira

Vixen4770 said...

I am totally robbing you of the naval gazing pic. Just so you know. ;)