Usually on Mondays I have some juicy report about getting my ass beat... or being fucked or some other titillating bit of news.
Unfortunately not this Monday.
I had to (to save what little sanity I have left) spend the weekend cleaning the house/doing laundry / trying to get my personal life under some sort of control. So I cleaned and I scrubbed, and I oiled (wood furniture) and I washed clothes and ironed clothes............. boring
But there was an interesting (well to me anyway) reaction to all this cleaning.
On Saturday morning I no more felt like cleaning - then I felt like running around the complex naked. I just wanted to snuggle up in my pjs and waste my day playing on the computer/net. I did spend a few hours doing just that............ but there was this nagging voice in my head telling me to get off my ass......... telling me I had said "no" to all W's plans for the weekend because of all this work......... and somehow if I didn't get it all done....... somehow ... I would have let him down.
That "letting him down" voice was my submissive side........... even though I no longer wear his collar - I still react as though he owns me. And I knew .. KNEW.... W wouldn't have cared the slightest little bit if I had snuggled in my pjs all weekend long.
So why did I get up and clean and scrub and wash and iron all weekend????
I am still trying to figure that one out. Honest. Why??? I answer to no one except myself ........ so why did I kill myself all weekend - get virtually no rest - when I could have pampered myself and spoiled myself and recharged my batteries???
Why am I still reacting / acting as a submissive when I wear no collar around my neck??? Why would I feel guilty because I was being lazy when I had said I had to clean?
i am going round and round in circles.
I am submissive - there is no doubt in my mind about that............ I need to have a leader... I need to feel like I am making Him proud....... I need to feel His strength .. His hand guiding me .. my every task/chore......... my very being.........
And yet even without that I still do what I know I should do ............
Does that make me crazy?? a total nut case???
I think I will go back to navel gazing........... cause I just don't have the answer