Saturday, January 15, 2011

Your kink - my kink

The one thing about being home snuggled up on the sofa with a whole mess of time on my hands - is that I land up watching a whole mess of TV reruns !!!

One of my favourite shows is CSI (the original - set in Vegas).  And for some reason on Friday they had a full day of CSI reruns on one of the stations.  One of the episodes was about adult infantilism.   Now adult babies is most definitely not my thing...... sorry don't get the thrill of running around in diapers ...... but it is some people's kink.  Now from there it was a short hop skip and jump (well in my mind anyway) to submissives and punishment / discipline.  

And I think the reason it was a such a short hop skip and jump for me was that adults (for the most part) don't get punished/disciplined.  Children get punished/disciplined.  Yet it seems to be a large part of the M/s or D/s relationship.

I have seen blogs / articles on the net describing punishment/discipline for wayward submissives - I have even seen it happen in real life. Everything from writing lines (hell as a teacher I never used writing lines to correct a student's behaviour what a waste of time and energy !!) to over the knee spankings - to standing in the corner.  And yes - at one time Warren tried using punishments/discipline with me.

I believe my struggle then - and now - is that as two consenting adults - punishment/discipline is degrading.  (this is my opinion please remember that !!)  I remember being stressed a good part of the time that I would "mess up" and disappoint Warren.  I remember messing up - not on purpose - but by accident - like any human being is apt to do from time to time.  And feeling smaller than small.  Feeling I had failed.  Feeling I wasn't worthy.  A whole mess of negative feelings.  And trust me.. after a punishment/discipline session when Warren would hug me and reassure me it was over and he still loved me and all the other bull shit that is supposed to be said/done at the end of a punishment session..... I didn't feel any better.  In fact some times I landed up feeling resentful towards Warren.

Often times I felt totally and completely overwhelmed.  I was balancing too many spinning plates in the air......... one was going to drop eventually.  

Over these past months of finding my way back to the lifestyle ....... to who I am ........ I realize I will not put any Dominant up on some damn pedestal !!  It is a long fall down.  Dom and sub alike are human.  We make mistakes - we screw up - we forget things.  I really don't get why a simple "I am sorry" isn't enough - and why don't Doms say "I am sorry" when they screw up........ cause trust me they screw up !!! 

Why must there be all this anticipation of a punishment/discipline session?? Why do blog readers hunger for descriptions of such sessions???   It is really hard to envision myself - this 60 year old self - being punished like a 6 year old.  I will probably know what I did wrong - and if I don't - then a simple discussion of what went wrong should suffice.  Give  me time to apologize.  Give me time to change my behaviour.  

And don't think for one minute that the Doms of this world don't make mistakes too.. but it seems to me that they believe their own PR..... "The Dom is always right" and a "Dom should never be questioned."  I call BS on that philosophy.  BS I say !!!

I guess the bottom line is..... I am not into infantilism or child play or any other mind set that puts me in a position of needing punishment/discipline.  I left those years behind me a long long time ago !!


Hermione said...

I had heard that an episode of CSI NY featured BDSM. Have you seen that one?


anna said...

I'm only going to speak for myself here. One of the things I like about being punished for some wrong-doing is the release it provides. I cry. I cry a lot during punishment (or sometimes right after punishment, during the period when I'm held and forgiven). It also somehow gives me permission to move forward instead of harping on feeling badly about what I did wrong.

I hope that makes sense.

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