Friday, August 20, 2010

The "right" fit

Forty years ago I read a book that was to direct my inner most desires for nearly 40 years. That book was the Story of O.

The interesting thing to me now.. nearly 40 years later ... and after 6 months of intensive soul searching..... is that the actual plot to the book was not what directed my inner most desires. The "director" was certain acts within the book.

It started with the dress she wore ...... I loved the hint of nakedness - the hint of availability.

It continued on to the piercing - ahh the piercing! It was the one act in the entire book that left me weak kneed and knowing I wanted THAT for me. And there was the branding...... I had heart palpitations just thinking about it.

There was one particular episode in the book where she was beaten - strung between two pillars. Beaten until she was black and blue. I dreamed of such a beating.

And so 40 plus years ago my inner most desires were set. Fast forward to the great internet age.. and I discovered that this work of fiction was much more than a book - it was a "lifestyle". And oh my god I wanted it !!

This lifestyle though came with a whole slew of "labels" ....... Dominant, Master, submissive, slave, switch, Top, bottom......... what the hell was all that about??? I just cut to the chase and decided that I must be submissive and I would strive to be slave. Seemed simple to me. I wanted the "acts" therefore I had to pick a label and then everything would fall into place. I picked submissive.

Only it wasn't....... simple that is.

All these labels never recreated the feelings I got from reading the Story of O. The only time it came close was when I WAS pierced...... or when I was strung up being beaten black and blue....... or to a lesser degree .. when I was tattooed.

On my good days I could put forth a reasonably good facsimile of a submissive (or as some thought - slave). And there were times that I was told I was not a submissive/slave - but a Domme. I always cringed at the thought of being called a Domme. I hated the "Miss Morningstar" title that folks would tease me with.... Hell I even tried being "Miss" for a while....... and knew almost instantly it didn't work for me.. didn't fit.. made me feel like a massive huge fraud. So I must be submissive right???

I started this blog.. a submissive's journey..... and very soon had a rather sizable readership. Validation by numbers. I WAS submissive.

Well I could write a good blog.

And I could pretend well...... act the part (in real life I mean)

And so for 15+ years I was submissive verging on being slave.

I struggled for a long time with the difference between the two...... I wanted to be the best I could be (cause that is who I am - I don't do anything by halves) slave was the best - according to everything I read and everything I heard... so I strove to be slave.

And for many years I strayed from what really directed me.. pain had originally directed me.... and here I was 15 years later doing a whole mess of mental stuff..... with very little of the intense pain that had originally started me on this journey.

As I said yesterday - this slave label didn't fit .. it made me irritable and I did some cruel things. The worst being I walked away in a blink of an eye from the man who had been my "Sir" for almost 10 years.

I felt lost and alone...... I had submissives who had read my blog for years coming after me in email......... I have been snubbed by the "sisterhood" of
submissives over and over again. I guess maybe they saw me as a fraud....... I hold no grudges..... I guess in a way I had led them on - in a manner of speaking....... I understood their anger.. their disappointment...their angst. I have to say here..... I never meant to lead anyone on....... It has been a journey......... and you all signed on for the ride....... And my struggles are no reflection on what you do...... trust me..... I almost envy you submissives/slaves because you have found who you are and what works for you.



There was one label that lurked just off to the side of my subconscious. A label I didn't want to look at .. to examine..... to validate.

That label was MASOCHIST.

That label almost sounds dirty, evil, sick.

But if ... like me.. you go back and look at what originally caught my interest in the very beginning of this journey ....... it was pain...pure unadulterated pain.

Bottoming taught me that I could have that pain without all the other trappings.
But unfortunately bottoming wasn't exactly a good fit either......I needed more stability than bottoming could give me.

And so here I am now.. 40 years later....... having come full circle. I wasn't a submissive/slave/bottom then... I am not one now.

There I have said "it" !! I am not a slave/submissive/bottom. Pointe finale.

So does that make me a masochist?? I suppose many will say yes it does.. because the only thing I seek is pain. But I am much more than a masochist... and I want more than the masochist label can give me.

Labels .. that's all they are.........words that we use to identify ourselves and others. I have tried most of them on - a bit like the way Mz Tina (a Fetlife friend) described it - 'me standing in a cupboard with my ass hanging out, trying on labels looking for the one that fits and throwing the rest over my shoulder .. discarding them.' If you look at the imagined pile of discarded labels - you will see slave, submissive, bottom, Top, switch, Dominant/Mistress. There are no "fits".

I will continue my own personal journey......... where ever it may take me. And you are all still welcome to come along for the ride. It is still an adventurous journey..... just leave the labels out of it please !

12 comments:

abby said...

Morningstar...I soo agree with you about labels..but you have said it much better than i ever could have.
Labels, unfortuantely do not have just one definition, and they are often limiting.
I have followed your journey, it has helped me along with mine. You are not a fraud, this is your blog your journey, we are privileged you allow us to come along.
abby

Hisflower said...

you are not a fraud- you are as real and as honest as it gets. you dont need to 'label" yourself.. no one does... just be you... do what makes you happy and complete...just because we get older doesnt mean our lives have fit into neat little compartments..kinda like the "junk drawer" everyone ( i think) has.. its the best drawer in the house cause it has bits of everything in it...when you go through it you always find something cool..lol.
hugs,
Hisflower

anaconda1 said...

Morningstar - a lovely name and "label" enough, surely?

Why do you have to be just one flower - go for being the whole bouquet - something different every day :-)

Thank you for allowing me to share a bit of your day - I try to send virtual hugs for the bad days and smiles for the good ones.

Ana x

selkie said...

I agree anacond1 ...you are morningstar -trying to reduce the complexity of ANY human being to a couple of words is an exercise in futility and frustration. You are you and frankly, I think that is a wonderufl thing.

Anonymous said...

I so loved finding all the info on D/s online so many years ago but most groups/boards have gradually dissolved into cliques who tend to deride anyone who is different.

I identified as submissive many years before the internet, because I submitted to him. More importantly, that's what he calls me; a submissive woman. So that's how I view myself.

When I first came online and met other women like me, most of us used the term "submissive', too. Although everyone had various ways of expressing it; some called themselves slave, some DD, etc., we all shared the feeling of wanting to submit on some level. So using "submissive" was a quick and easy way to describe yourself. As in, a non-Top. lol

Then gradually things changed and it seemed to become more the "in" thing to be a slave and not a sub. Submissives were considered kinda old hat and passe, not anywhere nearly as cool or serious as a slave was. It got to the point where if you *weren't* a slave or trying to be one, people wondered what was wrong with you. I've even read several times that subs were just slaves who didn't know it yet, like we hadn't "evolved" into a slave yet.

Which ticked/ticks me right off since I certainly don't identify as a slave nor do I ever want to be one. For those who do, great, but just because I'm sub doesn't mean I'm "lesser" than a slave. Just different desires.

I still stubbornly used the term "submissive" because it is the least specific of all the terms.

Then Fetlife became popular and it became downright embarrassing to self-identify as submissive any longer because of all these newbies and/or idiots in the Submissive Women group who post these bizarre, non-submissive manipulative whiny posts. So the slaves made fun of these so-called submissives and the so-called submissives poked back at the slaves and it was like a war sprung up.

And it spread across the net. Until now I can't even use my own term to identify myself anymore lest I be tagged as something I'm not. Which sucks. Because my husband still refers to me as "submissive" and I've always loved that. I love identifying as "submissive"; to me (to us), it means soft and feminine and compliant and obedient to him. So I love the word. But to many/most online, it now means whiny, self-indulgent, deluded and ultimately fake.

Great. Just great. Oh yeah, perfect, thank YOU, Internet, for fucking up a perfectly good descriptor.

These days I simply stay away from most groups and discussions on labels. It never fails to make me sad and wish it was more like the old days when people didn't quibble so much over such things.

You can probably say the same things about politics in general; people have always disagreed but there's just this meanness about it these days that didn't used to be.

So I say, you're not a fraud, you're just you. Try not to let yourself get caught up in the online politics of labels. All that matters is what you enjoy. :) ~~A

swan said...

Maybe the label you are looking for is "romantic?" If that one "fit" you, then I'd expect you to continue to look for that person (or those people) who would honor who you are, love what you have come to be, and delight in fulfilling your needs and desires -- even as you do those same things for them.

hugs, swan

Raheretic said...

Your conversation and mine has had too long a hiatus. So let's resume. The label that fits is "you." You are you. There are those of us who are originals........those of us who defy categorization. There are those who "kick off" a new categorical subset.....or who simply are individuals. You are you and isn't that glorious. It is glorious for those of us who have the pleasure of your friendship.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about Morningstar but "romantic" wouldn't fit me. I like being slapped. It's hot and it puts me in my place.

I don't think most "romantics" would like that.

I like being called names, like cunt and whore, how many romantics would like that?

If that's all "romantic", okay...where is that group?

So. Labels. How to define?

morningstar said...

Anonymous......

I am wondering if you have read more than the comments on my blog. I do NOT need or want to be put in my place !!!

And the first person who calls me a "cunt" or a "whore" is most likely to have his/her face slapped

Thanks for stopping by

Anonymous said...

? My comment was about my thoughts on labels, your blog was about labels, I didn't say you needed to be put in your place, I said I did. I thought the topic was labels and how confusing they can be. wow...way to be non-judegmental.

morningstar said...

Anonymous - keep your shirt on!

First off I was not being judgmental... I assumed by your comment you were advising me... the reference to the "romantic" label that swan suggested I use...

Anyway..... if being called names and being hit to be put in your place works for you - all the more power to you.

It does not work for me... and I know will never work for me.

Thanks for your input

Ordalie said...

@anonymous 3.17 p.m
No time to comment on what you said, but I completely agree and I think Morningstar is answering rather flippantly to your comments.
Never mind, I did love them! I just hope she isn't going to erase my answer.