Forty years ago I read a book that was to direct my inner most desires for nearly 40 years. That book was the Story of O.
The interesting thing to me now.. nearly 40 years later ... and after 6 months of intensive soul searching..... is that the actual plot to the book was not what directed my inner most desires. The "director" was certain acts within the book.
It started with the dress she wore ...... I loved the hint of nakedness - the hint of availability.
It continued on to the piercing - ahh the piercing! It was the one act in the entire book that left me weak kneed and knowing I wanted THAT for me. And there was the branding...... I had heart palpitations just thinking about it.
There was one particular episode in the book where she was beaten - strung between two pillars. Beaten until she was black and blue. I dreamed of such a beating.
And so 40 plus years ago my inner most desires were set. Fast forward to the great internet age.. and I discovered that this work of fiction was much more than a book - it was a "lifestyle". And oh my god I wanted it !!
This lifestyle though came with a whole slew of "labels" ....... Dominant, Master, submissive, slave, switch, Top, bottom......... what the hell was all that about??? I just cut to the chase and decided that I must be submissive and I would strive to be slave. Seemed simple to me. I wanted the "acts" therefore I had to pick a label and then everything would fall into place. I picked submissive.
Only it wasn't....... simple that is.
All these labels never recreated the feelings I got from reading the Story of O. The only time it came close was when I WAS pierced...... or when I was strung up being beaten black and blue....... or to a lesser degree .. when I was tattooed.
On my good days I could put forth a reasonably good facsimile of a submissive (or as some thought - slave). And there were times that I was told I was not a submissive/slave - but a Domme. I always cringed at the thought of being called a Domme. I hated the "Miss Morningstar" title that folks would tease me with.... Hell I even tried being "Miss" for a while....... and knew almost instantly it didn't work for me.. didn't fit.. made me feel like a massive huge fraud. So I must be submissive right???
I started this blog.. a submissive's journey..... and very soon had a rather sizable readership. Validation by numbers. I WAS submissive.
Well I could write a good blog.
And I could pretend well...... act the part (in real life I mean)
And so for 15+ years I was submissive verging on being slave.
I struggled for a long time with the difference between the two...... I wanted to be the best I could be (cause that is who I am - I don't do anything by halves) slave was the best - according to everything I read and everything I heard... so I strove to be slave.
And for many years I strayed from what really directed me.. pain had originally directed me.... and here I was 15 years later doing a whole mess of mental stuff..... with very little of the intense pain that had originally started me on this journey.
As I said yesterday - this slave label didn't fit .. it made me irritable and I did some cruel things. The worst being I walked away in a blink of an eye from the man who had been my "Sir" for almost 10 years.
I felt lost and alone...... I had submissives who had read my blog for years coming after me in email......... I have been snubbed by the "sisterhood" of submissives over and over again. I guess maybe they saw me as a fraud....... I hold no grudges..... I guess in a way I had led them on - in a manner of speaking....... I understood their anger.. their disappointment...their angst. I have to say here..... I never meant to lead anyone on....... It has been a journey......... and you all signed on for the ride....... And my struggles are no reflection on what you do...... trust me..... I almost envy you submissives/slaves because you have found who you are and what works for you.
There was one label that lurked just off to the side of my subconscious. A label I didn't want to look at .. to examine..... to validate.
That label was MASOCHIST.
That label almost sounds dirty, evil, sick.
But if ... like me.. you go back and look at what originally caught my interest in the very beginning of this journey ....... it was pain...pure unadulterated pain.
Bottoming taught me that I could have that pain without all the other trappings.
But unfortunately bottoming wasn't exactly a good fit either......I needed more stability than bottoming could give me.
And so here I am now.. 40 years later....... having come full circle. I wasn't a submissive/slave/bottom then... I am not one now.
There I have said "it" !! I am not a slave/submissive/bottom. Pointe finale.
So does that make me a masochist?? I suppose many will say yes it does.. because the only thing I seek is pain. But I am much more than a masochist... and I want more than the masochist label can give me.
Labels .. that's all they are.........words that we use to identify ourselves and others. I have tried most of them on - a bit like the way Mz Tina (a Fetlife friend) described it - 'me standing in a cupboard with my ass hanging out, trying on labels looking for the one that fits and throwing the rest over my shoulder .. discarding them.' If you look at the imagined pile of discarded labels - you will see slave, submissive, bottom, Top, switch, Dominant/Mistress. There are no "fits".
I will continue my own personal journey......... where ever it may take me. And you are all still welcome to come along for the ride. It is still an adventurous journey..... just leave the labels out of it please !