Thursday, August 05, 2010

The continuing saga


In case you hadn't figured it out... I am in kind of a funk......... feeling caught somewhere between a rock and a hard place.

A couple of months ago now I guess it is.. someone accused me of being afraid of relationships ending. I made a joke about it.. said I was getting really really good at the ending of relationships.. it was the beginnings that scared the shit out of me.

As the days are slowly ticking off into weeks....... days and weeks of being in limbo I guess it is........ I am realizing how true those words - spoken half in jest - were. I am more afraid of the beginnings than the endings.

In the beginning everything is exciting and promising and fun. My expectations are high....... (maybe others too - but I can only speak for myself) The honeymoon period where everything seems bright and shiny and new.... where promises are made .... and I let myself almost believe ........... almost.

Unfortunately it is my experience that most promises made are not kept. And I am the first to say it is probably due - in a large part - to my mistakes. People have great trouble dealing with my "coping strategies" ......... and these strategies tend to annoy or upset or - the worst of all - hurt them.

When this happens - this inevitable ending happens - I land up feeling I have failed.. am a failure. I land up feeling that beginnings aren't really for me... and that life would be much easier to deal with if I just skipped all the damn beginnings.

I am also discovering in this new journey - that I don't DO bottoming well. It feels way too much like "prostituting" myself for some pain. And lines get crossed.. and blurred.. and truthfully I get confused. I have been submissive for too much of my life and I struggle to understand that a Top does not have the same rights as a Dominant. Bottoming feels like some piece of clothing that just doesn't fit properly.. it wobbles here.. fits fine here.. and bulks out over here.

And so now I am faced with more decisions......... do I walk away from a lifestyle that has been part of who I am for over 20 years...... say goodbye - turn my back and saunter off into the sunset?? It is becoming more and more obvious to me that that is going to be my answer.......

I hate beginnings..........

5 comments:

abby said...

morningstar {{{HUGS}}}}...only you can decide, and decisions are rarely carved in stone. I don't see you staying away, but i am not you...sending good vibes your way! Abby

viemoira said...

I hope you can find the clarity you need...

SPANKEDHORTIC said...

I have never felt like bottoming is "Prostituting" myself but then being a bottom has always been what seems natural for the way that I like to interact and play. Perhaps you just have to go with what feels more natural for you. A few people have tried to hammer me into the submissive slot, usually because it suits their view of the world, but I have found that I just do not fit it's shape.

On the other hand if you had never had tried bottoming, you would have never truly known if it was for you or not.

Prefectdt

swan said...

I can understand feeling hurt and scared. Transitions are unsettling, and redefining yourself is hard work. I won't pretend to know what is right for you, but I'll offer some unasked for advice -- wait.

You are still very raw after the ending of a long and intense relationship. There are hurts to heal, and that will take time. You will need to grieve -- and I'd imagine that you are nowhere near the end of that process. This isn't the time to make big decisions.

You have dived headlong into the social milieu of the lifestyle, and that has taken tremendous bravery on your part. You've played and found out a very great deal about who you are and what you enjoy and what works for you. Some of it has felt good, and other parts have been less comfortable. That is a really unfortunate game you are playing with yourself. This isn't the time to do yourself emotional harm.

I can understand that you likely feel scared. Impatient. Disappointed. Lonely. Sad. Lost. All of those feelings are normal and appropriate. Wait. There are likely to be changes ahead still. The future will come around. It will be what it is. Really, you only have to remain open. The rest will take care of itself.

Hugs, swan

PKB said...

What swan said. :-) She gives good comment.

Paula