Thursday, August 05, 2010
The continuing saga
In case you hadn't figured it out... I am in kind of a funk......... feeling caught somewhere between a rock and a hard place.
A couple of months ago now I guess it is.. someone accused me of being afraid of relationships ending. I made a joke about it.. said I was getting really really good at the ending of relationships.. it was the beginnings that scared the shit out of me.
As the days are slowly ticking off into weeks....... days and weeks of being in limbo I guess it is........ I am realizing how true those words - spoken half in jest - were. I am more afraid of the beginnings than the endings.
In the beginning everything is exciting and promising and fun. My expectations are high....... (maybe others too - but I can only speak for myself) The honeymoon period where everything seems bright and shiny and new.... where promises are made .... and I let myself almost believe ........... almost.
Unfortunately it is my experience that most promises made are not kept. And I am the first to say it is probably due - in a large part - to my mistakes. People have great trouble dealing with my "coping strategies" ......... and these strategies tend to annoy or upset or - the worst of all - hurt them.
When this happens - this inevitable ending happens - I land up feeling I have failed.. am a failure. I land up feeling that beginnings aren't really for me... and that life would be much easier to deal with if I just skipped all the damn beginnings.
I am also discovering in this new journey - that I don't DO bottoming well. It feels way too much like "prostituting" myself for some pain. And lines get crossed.. and blurred.. and truthfully I get confused. I have been submissive for too much of my life and I struggle to understand that a Top does not have the same rights as a Dominant. Bottoming feels like some piece of clothing that just doesn't fit properly.. it wobbles here.. fits fine here.. and bulks out over here.
And so now I am faced with more decisions......... do I walk away from a lifestyle that has been part of who I am for over 20 years...... say goodbye - turn my back and saunter off into the sunset?? It is becoming more and more obvious to me that that is going to be my answer.......
I hate beginnings..........