A few days ago i questioned who had the right to "teach" in this lifestyle .......... and then for some stupid reason i fell into the pattern of "teaching" in a way.. here in my blog... i don't feel that was right.
Who AM i to think i can explain what BDSM is all about?? how a good subbie looks or acts?? What made me the expert??
The last few days i have been feeling an incredible sadness.. deep inside me. Every so often the BDSM gods come down and slap me upside the head - showing me i am a spiteful, willful, subbie. i kid and joke and say frequently "i am a good subbie" but deep down inside i know i am failing at that job.
it started a couple of days ago when i read how kaya had grabbed her Master's hand and blocked Him from doing something............. and i could hear my own Sir's words ringing in my ears - "do you have the right to block me??" i do it all the time... i will wiggle out of the way.. i will grab His hand .. i will stop Him.. and as Sir put it so clearly on Friday - when He pushes...........i push back.
The cheeky sub is cute.. like a misbehaving child.. someone else's misbehaving child!...people who know me .. joke with Sir and i about how i am always getting into trouble.. how i like to be in trouble.... and that is the impression i have created.. no one else.. just me.. i am to blame Mea Culpa!
For the record .. i don't like being in trouble .. not real trouble.. it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. it ties my stomach up in knots.. it gives me bad dreams and disrupts my sleep... i think... no i know.. it is time for me to revamp my persona.. most say i can't do it.. it is just too much a part of who i am..........BUT it is important to me to make my Sir proud.. i am not making Him proud right now.. and more importantly i am not proud of me.........
One step back .. maybe two...... time to re-think......