Sunday, January 21, 2007

taking a step back........

A few days ago i questioned who had the right to "teach" in this lifestyle .......... and then for some stupid reason i fell into the pattern of "teaching" in a way.. here in my blog... i don't feel that was right.

Who AM i to think i can explain what BDSM is all about?? how a good subbie looks or acts?? What made me the expert??

The last few days i have been feeling an incredible sadness.. deep inside me. Every so often the BDSM gods come down and slap me upside the head - showing me i am a spiteful, willful, subbie. i kid and joke and say frequently "i am a good subbie" but deep down inside i know i am failing at that job.

it started a couple of days ago when i read how kaya had grabbed her Master's hand and blocked Him from doing something............. and i could hear my own Sir's words ringing in my ears - "do you have the right to block me??" i do it all the time... i will wiggle out of the way.. i will grab His hand .. i will stop Him.. and as Sir put it so clearly on Friday - when He pushes...........i push back.

The cheeky sub is cute.. like a misbehaving child.. someone else's misbehaving child!...people who know me .. joke with Sir and i about how i am always getting into trouble.. how i like to be in trouble.... and that is the impression i have created.. no one else.. just me.. i am to blame Mea Culpa!

For the record .. i don't like being in trouble .. not real trouble.. it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. it ties my stomach up in knots.. it gives me bad dreams and disrupts my sleep... i think... no i know.. it is time for me to revamp my persona.. most say i can't do it.. it is just too much a part of who i am..........BUT it is important to me to make my Sir proud.. i am not making Him proud right now.. and more importantly i am not proud of me.........

One step back .. maybe two...... time to re-think......

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

yeah but don't you think it is natural instinct to to block something that will hurt you? I think it is a normal reaction and to control it would actually require more effort and concentration, it doesn't mean you're a bad subbie.

Anonymous said...

*BIG HUGS*
honey, this is susan again, i guess i need to make a blog so i can have a real identity here!

Anonymous said...

While I think self-introspection is valuable, let's not 'think too deep' here. Because you know it really doesn't even matter if you think you are being too "cheeky" or too naughty, unless your Sir has told you that you are?

I understand the desire, no, the *need* to want to be what we see as the "perfect" submissive for our Sirs, but in all honesty, I believe that we *are* as perfect for Them as They want us to be.

Of course we could always use some "tweaking", as Master calls it. I could do this or that better and maybe you could too, but even those "tweaks" need to be done at the direction of Them.

There is absolutely no reason why you should feel any sort of shame(?) for having tried to answer some questions asked of you. You didn't present it as "The One True Way", nor did you allude that anyone doing it differently is "wrong". Someone asked for *your* opinion and you gave it, in a most polite and respectful manner. Don't beat yourself up over it, silly woman. You did good. :)

Having said that, a "determined to be better" attitude is a wonderous thing, too. But don't lose yourself in the process. I suspect that your spirit is a large part of what attracts your Sir to you.

Hugs. :-)

kaya

littleone said...

kaya - just for the record my Sir is not happy with my attitude.. with my behaviour.. and because of that i question why i think i can / should answer / preach to anyone .. i need to take some lessons from my own words it would seem.....

a different spin on the "physician heal thyself" theme

morningstar

CLoud said...

I do not believe that yo gave answers to questions rather your opinion. In the matter between you and your SIr well that is where it belongs between you and him.

Sir said...

:-((

Sir

Master R's pet said...

i just read your blog and the comments. Before i answered i checked in at your Sir's blog and saw his entry.

i hate that you are sad and i hope the pain in your heart lifts soon, but from someone looking from the outside in......

my respect and admiration of the two of you grows each time i read an entry.

Being a Dom does make you inhuman, nor does being a slave.

You aren't perfect, no one is, but it appears he loves and cares for you anway. And that is beautiful.

hugs to you both, pet