High Road

Almost 3 months ago I announced I was going to "take the high road" And I know there are some who will probably question this blog entry. But I have had a few comments and private emails saying 'no one ever writes about break ups - how to do it.. etc"

My advice is to do IT quietly. No matter how many times you feel you are being goaded into exploding outward do IT quietly. I know it is amazing how many rush to watch the "train wreck" but don't give them anything to see. When I first announced my "uncollaring" the daily hits on The Journey topped 200 a day - which is HUGE compared to my normal days.

Don't think for one minute it is easy to do IT quietly - it isn't... especially when there are rumours and gossip flying around.. especially when you feel you are being pushed into reacting.

See this period in your life as an amazing opportunity to learn. I know I have learned about personal space and personal boundaries... and a spin off on the old saying from school "your job my job" now it is "your shit my shit". Learn that you are a strong independent soul.... and have the tools at hand to stop most of the rumours/gossip getting through your "walls". Block/ban/spam. Pull your walls in close around you.. pull your closest friends in tight around you.

Don't stop living - no matter how much it hurts! It is important despite the high walls of protection - to let the world see you are alive and well. Hold your head up high - ok ok that one took me awhile to master. I went to work I came home. I spent time with family and close friends and I came home. BUT I finally felt ready to actually go out!

And when I did - I stepped out with head held high and back straight. I had nothing to be ashamed of. The weeks and months of taking the high road paid off. No one thought evil thoughts of me - or if they did - they sure didn't say them to my face. Quite the opposite. It is amazing how word spreads in this "community". I had taken the high road. I did not turn this non-event into a train wreck. And the people who really matter............. well they know. They do. Even when we think no one else knows what we are going through... they know... they just do.

One of the most interesting things that was said to me over these last few weeks was from someone I only called an acquaintance. She said " the best thing about this "divorce" and division of property..... we got you!"



So now I am here. And here is a very good place to be. And to quote my favourite author Dr. Seuss...... from his book "Oh the places you'll go"

"You have brains in your head You have feet in Your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose You're on your own And you know what you know You're the guy who'll decide where to go!"

Moment caught in time

The darkness was deep........... I was lost in it.. in the darkness..... not quite alone but almost alone. I heard growls and knew they were coming from deep inside of me... I was facing a challenge.. no.. more than a challenge ... a dreaded adversary

The first however many hits were teeth rattling ......body arching .. foot stamping ..cursing hits. But there were the individual ones.. the ones that made me clutch at thin air, grab for something solid... made my breath catch, and world shrink way down........ to a spot........ those were the worst.

I knew the challenge was two fold.. to accept and ride the pain.. to claim it... to make it mine! and the challenge to find my limits......

I was down to one finger holding on........ body weak and sagging... no strength.... too much....... ENOUGH !!

I may have cried out... I know I turned.. I know I begged... the wall was there and my body was hitting it and hitting it.. like a battering ram... and it wouldn't come down... ENOUGH!

And then he was there ........... pulling me tight into his body .. holding me tight...repeating.. "you are ok.. you are safe" I was crying.... and he held me tighter soft lips brushing against burning skin, the words "you are safe.... you are ok" locked forever in my brain.

A moment caught in time.

Predicament

The definition of "predicament bondage" is:
A situation in which the submissive must choose between uncomfortable options.
For example predicament bondage might present the bottom with a choice between two increasingly painful positions


Now I won't even pretend that the goal last night was to put me into predicament bondage...... but on a personal level it was major predicament bondage.

I was under the impression that the goal for last evening had virtually nothing to do with me. I invited friends over for dinner......... and I was under the impression after dinner they were going to go off and play........... (I also had worked out that I would clean up the dinner dishes/ play on the pc / read my book / and if time allowed curl up and watch some television. That was MY plan)

Except it didn't really work out that way.

The submissive (or maybe the friend) in me wanted to facilitate the transition from dinner to play..... plainly put I wanted to disappear. I even offered at one point to go and start the dishes........

BUT what landed up happening ....... ropes were brought out and I was bound. This way - then that way - then another way, as they plotted for a tie that I would not be able to pull a "Houdini".

At first I figured ok tie me up throw me on the sofa... and go play .. come back and see if I was still awake. That worked for me (cheeky grin)

BUT that didn't appear to be their plan....... (though truthfully this morning I am not clear on what the plan was)

I have been tied by the best. And I have wiggled out of almost every tie done to me. (IF I put my mind to it.) The thing is.......... ropes are like living beings ..... they move they stretch they mold. I learned early on that if I didn't fight the ropes, if I simply relaxed into them, if I simply allowed the ropes to caress my body - I could find the weak spot. And having found the weak spot, I could wiggle out of them - most times without even untying a knot.

It was fun last night..... and I thoroughly enjoyed being the brat.. smiling at them while all the while my mind was searching for that one weak spot.. the key to slipping out of the bondage.

I found it quite quickly and wondered how long I could let everything stay in place... how long could I pretend?? The brat won. And almost in less time than it took to tie me i was stepping out of the ropes.

Almost immediately I did not feel good about what I had done. Maybe I should have stayed tied. Maybe I shouldn't have been such a brat !!! After all I can be a pro at mental bondage. Forbid me to enter a room without permission I will stand there till the cows come home, or you decide to see me - which ever comes first.

I feel as though I am caught - a little bit- between a rock and a hard place. I like to please.... I like to be pleasing. I don't always have to be a brat. My mother always used to say - there is a time and a place for everything. She was right.

I am no closer this morning to the answer - did I make the right choice in my "predicament bondage". Probably there is no right answer.

But I am doing some major rethinking on this "brat" personae that seems to have emerged with a vengeance in the last 5 - 6 weeks.

Limits

It seems just lately "limits" have been popping up in my life - again. Truthfully it is one of those things that I kinda figured I had done to death - back in the early years of my involvement with BDSM.

God - sometimes I can be so damn wrong !!!

I was having a chat with a 'newbie' and she was confused by limits. Her attitude pretty much parallels mine...... which is most definitely not politically correct.

"Limits?? I don't have limits"

The first argument supporting the above statement is........ how can you know what your limits are until you try something??? Much like how do you know you will like eating some new food until you taste it???

The second argument I have supporting the above statement is...... What if something was a hard limit.... times change .. people change.... and now you want to try it again for the second or third or fourth time??

The one thing I am learning in this new journey I am on...... is playing with someone is a bit like dancing. (ok ok .. hang on I will try and explain) Let's say you have a regular dance partner - for years. You don't dance with anyone else. Then one day you go to a dance alone. You find a new dance partner and suddenly it is like you have to learn how to dance all over again. You may discover you can suddenly do dips that you could never do before.. because the new dance partner has a different way of holding you/supporting you. shrug.. does it mean the last dance partner was bad?? no.... just different.

Last weekend S&S had a talk with me. They had played harder with me than ever before... They were under the impression they had pushed me hard over my pain limit. They had been using wood.......... wood paddles wood spoons.. everything wood.

What we hadn't discussed was I LOVE wood. It is probably my second favourite toy. I honestly don't believe I have a pain threshold with wood.

BUT ......... they have never used floggers on me. I couldn't figure out why. It turns out that I had said something to the effect of "I hate floggers - they make a cold breeze and I HATE cold". S&S took that as a hard limit. Definitely a small communication break down.

I assured them IF they want to push my limits.. to have me "yellow" a play time.. or even "red" a play time they might try floggers. (Mind you.. in all honesty - I am thinking the quirt might bring out a yellow in me too.. it has come close... very close)

The point I am trying to make is that I believe limits are something that develop with time. When playing with someone new - asking if they have limits is an excellent idea. But then I would never assume those limits are engraved in stone... cause hey....... you are the "new dance partner" and maybe that limit won't really be a limit anymore.

I have been thinking that maybe "negotiations" might be a much better way of establishing "no fly zones" than listing obscure play tactics. And I mean negotiating regularly - maybe even before each play time!! Allowing - even encouraging - a sub (cause ya know some of us need encouraging to talk) to say "I would like to try a, b or c." Dominants could use this time to introduce ideas to a sub ........ teasing .. building anticipation by saying research figging and tell me what you think of doing that.

I don't know.. asking a sub to state their limits seems to me - to put too much responsibility on one set of shoulders. Instead of requesting limits... building trust and a bond is more important in my mind. Knowing the Dominant will push.. but will also listen to you.. hear you is important. Knowing the submissive is empowered to say STOP that fucking hurts too much. Knowing that play is a team sport....... and everyone should be actively participating is more important to me than a limp list of limits.

And that is my opinion !

Schedule

Over these last 5 weeks of playing with S&S I am aware of a definite schedule of events happening.........

I had to give it more than a week or two... thinking it was coincidence... but after 5 straight weeks of the same things happening.. I am fast coming to the conclusion this is a pattern.........

Day 1 - Saturday - We play - hard. very hard. scary hard (to some folks who watch and comment)

Day 2 - Sunday - I snuggle - I tend to my ass which is always marked - I take long bubble baths - sometimes I even masturbate - I am partially focused but still pretty dreamy - usually S&S drop by for coffee to check up on me

Day 3 - Monday - much less dreamy - the ass still hurts (mildly) I am much more focused.

Day 4 - Tuesday - the itching starts. Now I have no idea why my ass itches so much on day 4 - but it does. S&S say it is the healing process. By day 4 there are hardly any marks left - and virtually no ouchies.

Day 5 - Wednesday - the body is healed - the mind is alert - and the "beast" inside has begun it's weekly growth spurt. I am jonesing. I want MORE! Sometimes S&S drop by for coffee (adding fuel to the fire ??? building the anticipation??)

Day 6 - Thursday - my mind has started the count down to Saturday. I feel the slow build of anticipation in my belly. The beast grows stronger.

Day 7 - Friday - my skin is electrified - I am jumpy and edgy - I am like an addict looking for their next fix.


This is my weekly schedule......... there is something exciting and fun about it.. There is also something that worries me (mildly) This week the build up to Day 1 is much more intense. My nerve endings feel raw exposed. I wonder how big this beast within will grow.......... will I be able to control it???
I. do. not. like. losing. control.

But then as a friend says - It is what it is. So I guess I just grab hold and hang on tight.