Running away

Communication............ reported to be the most important part of BDSM - clear communication. (i would argue that it is probably important in other aspects of life ....... but hey........... let's just go with the flow for now ok??)


Face to face communication is much more than words.. it is a lifted eyebrow, a scowl, a smile, a body tense with arms folded across the chest, there is tone of voice and a plethora of other signals that i spend a good part of my day teaching to children.

When you get to the net.. to blogs and emails and online chats, all those cues disappear. There are only words typed on the screen... blah blah blahs .. with few if any indicators of what is being said - behind the words.

i am the first to admit that often online i am not too adept at picking up what is being said behind the written word - sometimes taking offense when no offense is meant. mea culpa. i must learn to ask for clarification to say " did you mean a b or c"??

Now let's complicate things further and look at communication from a submissive's perspective.

i (and i can only speak for myself) am not supposed to challenge Sir..... i am supposed to smile and nod and go along with what He wants/decides/says. How does that enrich communication??



i am learning to speak my mind to Sir.. to open up (something He pushed for btw) ........ than it is to do so with friends and acquaintances. Generally when someone outside of Sir says something that hurts me, i sound off to Sir.. i sound off in my blog... but i never EVER say diddley squat to them.

Now isn't that weird???

i should be quiet with Sir and outspoken with others no??

But it isn't the way i am wired.

When i am hurt by someone's words i pull into myself.. i protect myself .. i lick my wounds and in time i can once again go back to communicating with this person.

BUT i discovered something this morning..... something i probably have always done.. but never identified before...

When i pull into myself....... i do it completely.. i have little to say to Sir.. i am quiet at work, with my daughters, i go into hermit mode.......... no visitors, no radio or TV total silence at home.

On a good day i am happiest alone and quiet, on a bad day i bury myself in the quiet .. i turn off all the blah blah blahs and retreat inside myself.

i said to Sir yesterday in a text message... "i want to run away, but we both know i won't. "

But sometimes it is hard not to.

angry

Ever have one of those days when you are so angry your emotions just spill over ... in inappropriate ways???

i get angry and i cry........ how dumb is that??!! And it makes it really difficult for people to understand that i am angry.. it "looks" like i am sad. Maybe it would be better if my face got red and i balled up my fists and yelled.. (much like my lil Christopher Robin did last week)

yeah i am angry today..........

i am angry over work.. over a stupid useless employee who is getting away with murder.. and there is no immediate recourse... i like "immediate".. i like instantaneous !! i want results YESTERDAY .........

But no............ we have to be civilized about this.. we have to try and reason with this person.. we have to write letters.. we have to smile and nod.. and listen to her promise to behave herself.. like she did last year.

i get to do damage control every time she makes a mistake...... mistake my ass !!! Deliberate undermining of my authority is what it is !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And i am angry over people's impressions of what i want / need. i am fed up .. to the eye teeth with people accusing me (well that's how i take it !!) of moving on and leaving the BDSM community here in our lil city .. and going further afield. YAY?? so bite me !! Tell me why Sir and i shouldn't go where we are welcomed and be with people who have the same mind set...... huh?? why shouldn't we???

i am tired of people analyzing the way we "do" what it is we do. i am sick to death of subs trying to top from the bottom and telling Sir what He should or should not do. i am sick to death of people saying mean spirited things about our relationship. i am sick to death of people thinking they can do it so much better than WE do it !! i am sick to death of people thinking that i am unhappy .. or settling.. or whatever it is they think i am doing.

i am angry.........

and i am crying..........

Mixed bag

It was a mix of a weekend.............

Friday we met up with Cloud (after a long longgggg time) for our coffee klutch and discussion. With my new hours at the new school Friday afternoon coffees are pretty much a thing of the past sadly. BUT we managed to squeeze one in this past week. Then Sir and i grabbed a quick bite of dinner before He headed off to an exec meeting of His train club...........


Saturday.. Sir took me shopping to find stuff for school - at the dollar store - god you gotta love the dollar store when you have virtually no budget and a HUGE room to decorate for the seasons and holidays!! We even found this amazing witch hat for me which (hopefully) the older kids will see the humour in.......... (after all i am the witch that is changing their world - insisting on routine and respect )

Later Saturday evening Sir had me over the ottoman for my weekly whooping ... only truthfully i don't think either of us was much into the idea........... it happens from time to time.... the moons don't align well and it doesn't much work........... BUT Sir did try something new that i rather enjoyed.. He bound my upper thighs together tightly with a leather strap and then brought the ends down and bound my ankles together........ it greatly cut down on my "wiggle" room...

BUT i had cleaned the play room this past week....... after a long day at work... i dragged the vacuum and the cleaning stuff downstairs and give it a spit and polish.. it has been so long since we used the room... and i tend to ignore it most cleaning days.... and i guess i had this subconscious desire to be hanging from the chains naked or strung up on the cross.... and of course when He had me over the ottoman all i could do in my head was run the dialogue "it's not fair we have this perfectly good play room downstairs - with all the toys ... with all manner of torture devices... and He never uses it anymore.. why did i clean it.. why did i tidy up the toys.. why must it always be a wham bang thank you ma'am whooping over the ottoman... no wonder i am so out of shape when we play publicly... and i feel as though i wimp out... " bad dialogue - bad subbie !!!

Sunday morning was a quiet - recharge the batteries - morning before we headed off to youngest grandson's 3rd birthday !!



It was fun........... and i love seeing the excitement as he opens his gifts .. and squeals with delight ................ BEST of all i loved watching his glow in the light of the candle on his birthday cake.. and watching him gobble down the strawberries leaving the cake and cream for everyone else....... who ever heard of a kid - a 3 year old kid !! - wanting strawberries for his birthday !!!




And then.. i got to "play with" Jordan... the new one due in just under 7 weeks..






The one that is digging his heels into mommy's spine.... pushing on her stomach and making her sick... who kicks and does somersaults and just basically wears "mommy" out ....

Yup it was definitely a mixed bag weekend................ but a good one cause no matter what we do.. or who we do it with....... i am with my Sir.... and it feels good when He wraps His protective shield around me and keeps me safe from all the monsters under the bed..........

One Month in......

Well tomorrow will end the 4th week of school. It has been a struggle for everyone - parents, kids, staff, me.

Last night we had our first parent's meeting. (up here in the Great White North every school has a committee made up of 7 staff members and 7 parents....... this committee makes 99% of the decisions for the school. ) i was leery of this meeting..they were instrumental in tossing the old Responsable out and bringing me in. i felt i had a lot to answer to....

Honestly i don't how it happens.. i don't know what i do.. but i seem to have a way with words ............. in my last school i could get things passed by that Governing Board that no one thought would pass... sweet tongued devil that's me. BUT i was facing a new Board with a lot of issues. i think i tend to swamp them with words......... coming fast and furious.. touching on each topic and just keep going...barreling my way through........ whatever it is.. by the time i had finished my "report" and surveyed the table.. almost everyone was grinning at me.. They decided to drop the watch dog committee (for now) and let me go it. i guess it was a triumph moment.

The parents are slowly accepting my tight security measures and my no nonsense schedules and my open door policy. They might not like the new procedures but they are sticking to them

The staff .. well i have 3 permanent staff members and 2 substituting staff members (until the Board gets around to hiring 2 new educators - they promise by Thanksgiving - our thanksgiving which means first weekend in October) Of the 3 permanent staff only 1 is willing to work with me. One has been to work 5 days over the last month ........ 5 days !! and she almost never calls to tell me she isn't showing up........ what a headache !! i mean MY GOD !! she has 20 children waiting for her.. not a bloody computer !! so i am left to run around and try and find someone to slot into her class.. or do it myself when all else fails.

The other educator hates me.. oh she smiles at me and says all the right things... i thought i was making progress... but others warned me.. when she smiles at you watch out !!! It is NOT a good sign !! Well between the practical jokes in my first two weeks - which weren't funny one little bit - to now she is just not showing up to work either............. i am ready to scream... Actually i did scream yesterday in an email to Human Resources .. to the Union.. and to the principal.

The other teaching staff keep checking up on me and encouraging me .. they are my cheering section.


BUT

the kids... the whole reason i do what i do........



The trust is building.. most of them are listening to me... some are even trying to use the tactics i am showing them to deal with problems... they are a tough bunch of kids... with more baggage than should be legally allowed for a child to carry !!

But one day last week i had my first spontaneous hug........ and it felt so damn good !!!

Yesterday ....... my "new" Christopher Robin was brought to me.. his face was so red i thought he was gonna explode. He took one look at me and his eyes started to fill up with tears.. he slunk down onto the chair and buried his face in his hands. No hug allowed... i wasn't even allowed to touch him. i sat beside him with chaos reigning all around and listened... just listened to his broken sobbing breaths......... and when it sounded as though he was pulling it together, i asked him quietly "what happened"

He looked up at me.. red faced.. fists balled.. and he exclaimed 'I AM SO F*&%KING MAD I COULD PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE". and we talked .. and talked and talked.. and i kept telling him how proud i was of him.. because THIS time he didn't punch the kid in the face... he had held it together. Finally i got a hug......... and he went back to playing...

And i knew......... i am home .. i am where i need to be...... this is what i do best!! Oh tomorrow or the day after Christopher will punch some kid in the face... and we will start all over.. but for yesterday.. for one short period of time .. he didn't punch............ and that is how i spell S U C C E S S !

what is submissive?

The other day........ kaya wrote a blog about who / what is a submissive. well that's my reader's digest version.. if you want to read the whole thing click HERE

kaya was asking are you a submissive if you use a safe word to get out of all the things you really don't want to do??? Isn't being a submissive about His wants/needs/desires not yours??

Well i have an opinion.. (are you surprised??!!)

See i think if a submissive has a safe word then there are a whole mess of things in play..
like maybe she doesn't trust her Dom
like maybe she doesn't really want to give over control
like maybe it is really just a big game
like maybe she doesn't have the same relationship as i do...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i got to thinking...... after i had written this blog entry.. and decided i needed to do a little editing...
see i think sometimes i fall into the same trap that others do.. believing that the way Sir and i do things is the "only" way....... shame on me !!! This relationship works for US.. but it probably wouldn't work for many others.


Yes i have a whole mess of rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... i could/would work 12 hour days right now.. to make sure i take the breaks i am supposed to.... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i leave again.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. So each morning i leave my desk at 8:00ish and head home for breakfast and a small break.. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home... and it keeps me from working myself into a frazzle.


Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.


So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" doesn't exist in my world. AND i have to say........ i have tried BDSM part time.. i have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of wiggle room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)

i have - i think - a great example of my submission in a vanilla setting........

Take the 78th Fraser Highlanders. It is something that Sir gets a really big thrill out of.......... and He enjoys having me on His arm (so to speak) at the events.


i, on the other hand, find the whole thing ...... at best amusing....... at worst boring.


But i have never said i won't go to an event when Sir tells me about one, because, well to me that's like using a safe word. The Frasers may not be my cup of tea but it isn't about ME! It's about Sir. Sometimes i have to do a major mental adjustment to get through an evening event.. or play games in my head to make it tolerable. i have been tempted from time to time to speak my mind.. but don't because i worry it will embarrass Sir. Example.. the last formal event we went to, one of the men was asking me all sorts of personal questions about my tattoo... i kept thinking i wonder what his reaction would be if i told him about my piercing!! But didn't because .. i am a reflection of Sir..... simple as that.


Ok......... so i go to the events because it pleases Sir. i behave because i am a reflection of Sir.


BUT now it has been taken one step further.


At the last command meeting .. one of the big wigs put my name forward to be accepted as the newest "milady". UGH !! it is one thing to go to these events with Sir... it is a completely different thing to actually join the 78th Frasers. But that is what becoming a "milady" means.


i accepted gracefully and will be indoctrinated - or whatever it is they do - at the next event in November.

Why did i do this if it goes against my grain?? Because i am Sir's .. (to quote a friend) "always and in all ways".

Let me give you an example of how Sir listens to me... and hears me !! At the last Fraser event.. there was a mandatory church service on the Sunday morning... i explained to Sir that it really went against my personal views/beliefs to be forced to attend a church service. i asked if i might be excused from the service. Sir didn't answer me immediately. But on the Sunday morning i was up and dressed and out with everyone else for the pre-church festivities. i had every intention of attending. But as everyone filed into the church, Sir leaned over to me and suggested that i might prefer to sit in the garden and read until the service was over. Way to go Sir !!


Now the only real bitch i have about this "honour" ......... is the tartan. See the picture above... that is the sash the miladies wear. You can't really see the colours .. so check out Sir's kilt.




The tartan is ORANGE !!! and green.. and blue........
but the main colour is ORANGE !!!


Now my favourite colour is red - how in god's name am i gonna wear the sash over my red??? sigh........... you know you're a submissive when you make real sacrifices for your Sir............ i am gonna have to find some nice lil black top to go with my black skirt and put the pretty red jacket away...............




Does all of this make me more submissive than someone else??

Nope.. it just makes me a different submissive than someone else.. and there is nothing wrong with that at all....