Small Trip

I am leaving for Montreal today -- got a hot date with my middle grandson on Saturday.  It's his birthday.

I'll be 'flying' back on Saturday evening to get prepared for a picnic I volunteered to help organise for Sunday. 

So forgive me if I am AWOL till next week -- I'll be back though ....... I always come back 

Screaming

I read a piece over on FL yesterday about a girl who couldn't scream (scream as in release the pain scream)

And it brought back a memory for me..... a memory that kinda went "hey I had that happen to me!"

She talked about going to a therapy session where the therapist wanted her to scream into a pillow.  Years ago I was at a psychology training and at one of the workshops we were expected to scream -- a primal scream.  I sat watching while one after another participant did their primal scream.... and then it was my turn.  I sat staring ahead -- a deer caught in the headlights.  Then I just stood up and walked out.  

I hadn't thought about that day until yesterday.  I learned very early on to bury my screams..... to bury my hurt and my pain.  No one wanted to know -- it wasn't important.  Amazing lesson to teach a child right?? That no one cares if you hurt....no one cares.  You learn pretty damn fast to bury the pain that brings the screams.  You learn to be silent.

You learn to bury the feelings -- the emotions -- to cry behind closed doors in the safety of the dark nights. 

Because you mustn't ever attract attention...... be quiet ... be good....... don't cause a ripple.  I got really good at it you know........ 'cause no one cared. 

The 'puzzle pieces' I have been finding and fitting back into the frame that is me are smaller now -- not so obvious -- harder to see and harder to fit...... but the work continues -- albeit slowly.   

Raising the bar

As most of you know I have a great love of photography.  I tend to take pictures of obscure interesting patterns found all around us.  However -- I have had a secret goal -- I have wanted to take more kinky pictures. 

BUT I don't do well with portraits.  I get nervous which in turn makes my 'subject' nervous -- end result is disaster.

A couple of years back I had a willing subject who agreed to sit for some sexy kinky pictures.  He was a good sport and was very comfortable in front of the camera.  BUT I wanted to show him that cock pics really aren't that sexy -- a hint is sometimes sexier.  And I took this picture  

I don't think I sold him on the idea but I had fun and learned some lessons on kinky photo shoots.

A week ago -- someone approached me and asked if I took pictures.  They are apparently looking for photographers for the Kink Carnalval in November.  I didn't bite.  My nerves and lack of confidence got the better of me.

Then a funny thing happened.  Remember "The Sadist" I played with for a while?? Well he and I still keep in touch -- and he emailed over the weekend to see if I would/could do some new shots for his profile.  And he wanted some shots of 'toys' in a nefarious manner (grinning) "nefarious" - really?? I would think one would want inviting pics on their profile -- lots of time to scare the hell out of the victim later right???

Anyway yesterday I decided to do some experiments with pictures of my toys.  Test out lighting and back drops ...... just playing really.  I sent them off to him to get some feedback -- but thought I would share my efforts with my critical audience...... Tell me what you think..............

 

  

 
 

Rock and a Hard Place

My whole life I have believed in truth......  I grew up in the 60's I burned my bra and marched for peace.  I have always believed in speaking the truth -- even when it wasn't popular.

Back a few years I lost that fight in my soul.  I wanted to find my own peace.  I didn't want to fight any more battles ..... didn't want to tilt at any more windmills 

And now I am faced with yet another small windmill.... do I fight yet one last battle -- or walk away and leave it spinning in the wind??  My life is finally settling down -- I feel like I am in the best place I have been in a long time.  Do I have to fight every battle that is dumped on my doorstep?  

Can't I just walk away from this one? 

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So I have done some major thinking about this one.... based partially on a response I got to an email.

I deserve to live my life freely -- unburdened by guilt -- or shame.  I deserve to bring more happiness and joy to the relationships I am in -- rather than stress and drama.

I will become the person I have dreamed of being.......I will be strong and brave and find my peace... and no one will prevent me from reaching that goal 

 

 


 
 

Protecting the innocent

Once upon a time someone in the local community went after me -- tried to have me banned -- accused me of 'outing' folks here on my blog.  The reason she didn't come close to her objectives is that I am overly careful when I talk about other people here on my blog.  I don't even use their online names -- I create my own nicknames for them.......... 

It is especially important now -- as I have had someone from my past take information from my blog and put it on Facebook for the vanilla world to read.  I do NOT want any of my friends to have to deal with that stress!

When it came time to talk about my new poly relationship - it was easy to come up with a nick for HIM -- he became "Hands" because his hands were one of the first things I noticed about him.  However his wife was a different story.........I didn't have a nickname that just fit her and could not be connected to her..... so I have left her as "his wife".

Keth called me on it over the weekend in a comment.  She said "but it comes across to me like you don't value her for her, but value her purely for who she is to Hands,"
And she is right -- it is something that bothers me every time I write "his wife" -- it does not give her her own identity -- her own importance/place in my life. 

I had dinner with Hands and 'his wife' on Saturday.  One of the other things I tend to do is - before I give someone a nickname - I always check with them first.  So I told 'his wife' my idea for her 'The Journey nick'...... and she agreed.  It stems from a bit of a in joke between us.

So without further ado..........(drum roll please)

May I introduce my friend .... my early morning over coffee chat pal ......... my partner in crime..... 
and yes "his wife" ........ who, from now on, will be called "cg" on The Journey.