Skid in Sideways

This morning I read a very good article written by a very young woman entitled a Letter to Icarus.  In it she talked about throwing caution to the wind....... flying too close to the sun and plunging to close to the ocean.... Living Life to the fullest - rather than taking the safe middle of the road approach.

I sat up and read it again.  My god - she was describing my life.  I have always tried to please someone - definitely not myself. I have always tried to not rock the boat - to dress conservatively - to behave politely - to be totally and completely socially acceptable - blend in and not stand out.

Know what my wildest dreams have been for many many years??? to wear red and purple together - to hike my skirts up (yeah I know what skirts I never wear skirts) and show off blinged out running shoes.  I have wanted to wrap brightly coloured silk scarves around my neck ....... and short neck be damned!  I have wanted to party late and sleep late - and dance as though no one was watching.....

After reading the Letter to Icarus this morning I asked myself "what are you waiting for??"  I don't know what waits for me around that corner - but I do know it is way past time for me to plunge forward - round that corner and see what karma has waiting for me...with the following as my new mantra:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!" 
by Hunter S Thompson.  

Hobbies

 

As most of you know I have a passion for photography - well maybe not as much of a passion as I would like to think - as I tend to need some incentive to pull it out the camera and take pictures......... I am feeling as though it has all been done and there's nothing left.

Some of you might also be aware that I belong to a Photo Challenge Group.  Every two weeks a new challenge is put forth and we are supposed to take 5 shots based on the week's theme.  I have been remiss in the last month or so ...... between surgery and emotions my camera and the challenges have held no pull for me.

This week however - the leader of the group  is feeling a little under appreciated maybe?? there are apparently 200+ people in the group but only about 20 folks participate in the challenges.  He posted that this challenge was to see if folks wanted to keep the group going.  In order to answer that question our challenge was to post one favourite picture from the last year.  IF there are 50 photos posted then the group will continue.  I am pleased to report that as of yesterday there were 54 photos posted.

I had trouble finding one picture that I loved.  One that stood out for me.  There was one that has always called to me....... but I have never actually been able to use it because I was .. I don't know.. shy about posting it /exhibiting it.  It was from a photo shoot I did over a year ago...... I am not even sure I have posted it here.  I was sorely tempted - you have no idea how tempted I was - to post it as my favourite ...... despite it having a kinky undertone to it.....but I caved and posted this one instead....... 

 THIS is the photo that I would have loved to have posted.... I can honestly say it is my favourite picture.............

New Day - New Beginning

I have been doing a lot of soul searching...... and head banging... and yeah some crying... This has been a very painful ending ............ and a new beginning seemed so difficult - so very hard to take that first step forward - would I fall?? would I crash and burn ???? or would I walk straight on - head held high.

W used to say to me all the time when I was scared of something - "baby steps - just take baby steps".  And so I have been working on taking baby steps forward.  

And I have had absolutely amazing friends supporting me.... from a couple showing up after dinner one night and "kidnapping me" to go out for coffee (and no thunder bolt came down out of the heavens and struck me dead for going out without permission) - to friends who gently nudged me forward by going to munches with me - or agreeing to meet me at munches.. to being encouraged to come and sleep over so I could go to a munch - friends who just dropped in when I went a little too quiet - to laugh with me and chat with me....friends who offered everything from spankings to fuckings (I have to admit that made me laugh - fuck buddy??? I can't see myself as someone's fuck buddy) friends who suggested I start negotiating with different Tops for rope, for spankings, for whatever I wanted.  Believe it or not - it was such a new concept for me after 15 years as one man's submissive that I could and SHOULD start negotiating for the things I wanted... and that I had the right to want those things!

And yesterday I took one enormous giant heart pounding baby step.  I agreed to a play date!!  me !!  all by myself!!  no safety net - no W standing off to the side watching - protecting - monitoring.   I packed my toy bag.  I got in my car.  I punched in the address in the GPS and I drove myself.  My hands were shaking - my heart was pounding.  I was torn - really torn.  Should I be doing this???? and then I was there - and we were laughing and talking and going through my bag looking at the toys... and then - well then we were playing.......... and it all just kinda fell into place.

Need I say it was a HUGE success??? 

And this play session made me realize the whole world is open before me.  I am ready to step outside my comfort zone - go exploring - have fun - laugh and play and find me........ cause somewhere over the last 13+ years I think I lost "me"....... and I am discovering the woman that has been hiding all these years is really an ok woman...... and people actually like her ........ AND there is life after collared submission.

~~~~~~~

And the other thing I HAVE to say - W and I are (I hope) starting to heal too.  He was my best friend before he was ever my Sir....... I am hoping we can work our way back to "best friends" again. .... going out to movies and dinner and laughing and sharing and supporting each other.  Baby steps I know....... but that is my hope... to find my "bestie" again......... 

 

Prickly

I have been feeling a little prickly for the last couple of days........it isn't anything anyone has said or done... I am just prickly - pointe finale.

I use this blog to write out my feelings - and thoughts - and rants - and whatever the hell comes to mind.  But I am thinking I have over used this place for my inner most thoughts.... I think it is time for me to sort things out a little more privately.......

I'll be back - you all play nicely and share ............

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