Now what?

It's funny how people see me as this "together "woman with all the answers - ok maybe not ALL but most.
 
In reality I am so far from together it isn't even funny.  Hell I don't even know how to write this post -  it needs to be written - cause 1) maybe someone has some ideas to help me and 2) I need to see it in black and white (so to speak)

What happens now??? Can someone tell me??

At the risk of shocking/overwhelming you .....

I want to be beaten

I want to be tied

 I want to hear the primal growl in my ear that makes my knees go weak

I want to be fucked 

I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again.. the anticipation

I want to hear "good girl" or "I'm proud of you" again...





I took the first steps........ I changed my profile on Fetlife - I took a deep breath and just let it pour out....

Initially I got a few responses..... but vague / generic type responses...

"I'll tie you anytime"

"You need a beating - just ask".

Oh yeah and someone even read my "fetish" list and offered to use a strap-on on me.. 

So what is my problem????

How do I ask?  
Each of the responses were from folks in relationships........... I don't want .. GOD I DON'T WANT!! .... a pity scene with anyone... a pity fuck ... a pity tie... know what I mean???
AND I don't want to step on any relationship toes, just for the sake of having a scene.

AND I can't just go to a play party and beg for someone to play with me...... the whole thought of it makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and never come out........ 

So............ 

Now what?

Ish

I have been struggling (duh - now there's a revelation right) recently about what/who I am.  

I have been told that I was not a very good sub.  Lord knows I tried......... and have written about how difficult it is to be a sub in a void - a good one or a bad one - I turned out to be more of an "indifferent" one.... in a void.

Now that I am not "owned" by anyone - trying to see myself as a submissive is even harder than seeing that submissive in a void.  I have poked at different labels/roles - poked gently - and non too gently......... brat, submissive, slave, primal, masochist, bottom -  poked and prodded - tried them on in a small lil changing room in my head.  Which one fits best???  Do any of them fit??? Never mind all the other labels that hang off me like some loose price tag in a dress shop.  Mother, friend, photographer, grandma.............. ughhhhhhhh am I doomed to spend the rest of my life trying to sort this out??? Or just pack up my bags and move to a quiet corner of the Universe never to be seen again??? It was so much easier before when I was just a submissive (even a bad one) at least I knew what the hell I was!

And then this morning I read (on Fetlife) the most eye opening - inspiring piece of writing I have read in a long time.  It was called "Labels and Roles - Where do I fit in" by compliKated.   I think she wrote it just for me.  ( She referenced a children's book "Ish" by Peter Reynolds.  How did I teach for 20+ years and never came across this book??!!!)  Anyway............. compliKated made me sit up and pay attention.  She said she is "brat-ish, sub-ish, primal-ish" (and much much more)...... she helped me to see it is OK to be "ish" ........ I don't have to be - can't be - just one thing.

So ISH it is.......... brat-ish, bottom-ish, submissive-ish, primal-ish, old-ish, mother-ish, masochist-ish.  What fun!!!  I can be all of it and more........... Just don't "squish my ish" cause then I may become angry-ish!

Sunday Sentiments

Post Op

Well I have successfully passed the 72 hour post op period.  So someone want to tell me why I still have no energy????? Initially I had this thought of tidying up the house - dusting and running the vacuum today - but dear god - it's all I can do to get my ass out of the chair to make breakfast !!!  I had less trouble recuperating from the cancer surgery for god's sakes.

Never mind the fact the surgeon warned me I might (MIGHT??!!) be a little moody for a week or so.  Really ??!!!  I have been cycling through every emotion known to mankind every hour or so...... talk about an emotional roller coaster!

On the plus side (cause ya know I have to try and find a plus) they had pumped me full of carbon dioxide and Wednesday and Thursday I honestly thought they had broken my ribs and pelvic bone....... but I forced myself to go for two walks on Thursday and lo and behold I believe the gases are easing...... at least I am breathing easier and walking easier.

Oh well maybe once the weekend is over I will be more like myself........... 

Ten Years

On April 28th 2005 - ten years ago Tuesday - I wrote my very first entry in The Journey

If you are interested in reading those first historic words you can find them HERE.   

I had intended in posting this "anniversary post" on Tuesday (well I had planned to have it queued up to go for Tuesday - but as fate would have it - there were other pressing matters on my mind)


A few facts about The Journey.......

In ten years: 

* I have written 2,820 posts.  Over the ten years I have only missed 830 days.....not bad considering there are 3650 days in 10 years.  

* I have published 8895 comments (some didn't make the cut)

* I have 211 followers

* I have had a grand total of 259,399 visitors from the States
                                                   67,529 visitors from Canada
                                                   44,224 visitors from Great Britain
                                                   19,410 visitors from Germany
                                                   12,034 visitors from France
                                                     9,994 visitors from Australia
                                                     9,274 visitors from Russia
                                                     3,446 visitors from the Netherlands
                                                     1,686 visitors from China
                                                        985 visitors from Denmark
 

I guess I could do the tedious work of figuring out how many words I have spewed forth in the 10 years  -  but seriously!!!  not important.

There has been much laughter, sadness, joy, more than a few rants ....... there have been feeble attempts at educating / passing along knowledge (who did I think I was??!!) shared love and hate and anger............ I have written mostly for me.... my thoughts ... my knee jerk reactions .... my angst and my professed love ........ but mostly everything that has been recorded here is ME - thoughts from my heart........ written for me.

The days and years stretch before me....... what will be written here in the next 10 years - shrug - who knows.  I only know that there will be words written here..... because that is who I am........... and you are all most welcome to continue The Journey with me.

Here's to 10 years ............