Thursday, March 13, 2014

Just Me

I don't know what to say - it's very rare that words don't come.  I have been working all week - substituting at a local daycare with 5 year olds.  It should bring me some sort of joy - some sort of break from thinking about my belly - but it hasn't.  I have been exhausted to the point of tears.  They cut my 7 hours back to 5 which allows me to come home at 2 and curl  up in the family room - in my little corner of the sofa - with a blanket tucked tight around me - that's where I feel safe - that's where I can hide.

Stupid isn't it ?? To think I can hide from these masses that I carry around inside me.  But I do want to hide.

My hands shake - my heart pounds and I feel physically sick to my stomach.  and that I know is just fear - just nerves.  

Google is my worst enemy and yet I can't stop researching - even now - even when I have read every thing there is to read about these masses. and I don't read anything good.............

And so another day begins. 



kaya said...

Stay off of Google. Dr Google convinced my daughter she had testicular cancer (think about it.)

The waiting is the worst, I went through the same thing when they biopsied the lumps in my uterus and I hate that they toss those words out there so nonchalantly, not even realizing how much fear they're leaving us in.

Whatever it ends up being, you've got support and family and love. At times like this, that's pretty nice. Hang in there.

Sharon S said...

Dear Morningstar,
You are never far from my thoughts, I pray for you daily. Like so many I have been where you are and though we love and encourage you it is hard when it is happening to you. Stop "educating" yourself-it does more harm than good. Every situation is unique and every human body is different. Although you hide in the corner on the sofa I and so many others stand by that sofa sending you positive thoughts and love. Never give up, never give in.
Hugs and Love, Sharon


Waiting is very bad, mostly because there is nothing you can do about the wait. I can't see anything wrong with having a safe place, even if it is just your sofa.


Anonymous said...

Dear Morningstar,
I haven't commented in ages but never stopped reading. You are not alone. I've been where you are right now. It was a stage 2 malignant melanoma on side of my neck. After the diagnosis, I had to wait 7 weeks before I had surgery to remove it. During that time, I was so very frightened and wanted nothing more to curl up and hibernate until the surgery. I was afraid it would grow and spread. One day I decided to act instead of reacting. I strongly believe in the power of visualization and positive affirmations. So every day, in the morning and before I went to sleep at night, I would visualize teeny tiny cancer killing good cells marching in and killing the invasive enemy on my neck. And anytime I felt panicky, I'd picture those good cells killing the bad invader. It helped me tremendously. Gave me a sense of being in control.
You have every right to be scared, but please, as difficult as it is for you right now, stay positive and visualize the masses being destroyed. You have many readers who support you and will pray for a successful outcome.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this, Morningstar. Sharon said it perfectly. You may not know us irl, but that doesn't matter--we're standing right beside you, sending you positive thoughts and love.

Hil said...

I agree be positive and stay away from the doom and gloom of the internet. You have W by your side, lean on him, I'm sure that will help. Giving yourself a place of calm and safety is also important, stay there as long as you need. Hugs.

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