I went to see a psychologist yesterday. Truthfully I am not sure why. As she said "I am the most 'self aware' patient she has seen. BUT having someone I can talk to - who isn't bothered by my tears or anger is nice - I can sort of let my hair down
What we talked about mostly - was an epiphany I had had some time before Christmas. I was outside having a smoke and was thinking about my life............... how as a child I had plans for when I grew up - gonna be a teacher. (check done!) And then as I got older - plans to marry (check done!) plans to have children - preferably 2 (check done!) Then plans - rather sketchy ones - but plans nevertheless - to divorce my husband and find my own way (check done!) Then plans to retire - to move to Kingston and live happily ever after (check done!) Oh yeah and my one big plan for retirement was to take photography classes and learn to use my camera (check done!)
BUT that morning standing outside I realized that all my plans were completed and all I could think was - 'now I am just hanging around waiting to die. There are no more plans' and that thought depressed me.... and I couldn't shake it.
Now - as I told the psychologist - that is exactly what is happening with these two tumours - I am waiting to die. And it makes me very sad and very angry. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!
The psychologist said, so often folks plan financially for retirement - but not emotionally - nor do they make plans for what they are gonna do. I did learn (pretty damn quick last week) that going back to working with children may not be what I want to do.........
She pointed out that I could drop dead tomorrow - get run over by a bus - that I didn't have to wait for these tumours to be my death sentence. She challenged me to make a list of things that I really want to do...........and she gave me examples - nothing elaborate - things like feed the ducks - go to Wolfe Island for an ice cream ..........
I have been thinking about that............. I want to work in my oriental gardens this spring/summer - I want to be a much better submissive - much more graceful submissive to W.......... I want to stain the decks and sit in the sun and read all the books on my KOBO .......... I want to help W build his new train table ......... I want to grow old with him and love him forever. (however long forever is)
I honestly never understood "one day at a time" before ......... never did - I was too busy with all my plans............ now I have to learn to enjoy and live each day to it's fullest - find the joy and the love in each day............
My one wish for you all - is that you learn now to find your joy each new day don't wish your days away.
When i saw you had posted i took a deep breath...was not sure i was ready to read it. I ended up smiling...a hard lesson to learn,one i also learned the hard way last year. Keep adding to that list, and checking things off....
ReplyDeleteand keep us updated please.
hugs abby
I'm glad you found a secure outlet for the tears and anger. I am glad to see you back here too.
ReplyDeleteI'll take your wish for us, and run with it. Chasing my own joy now.
Hugs,
kelly
Dear Morningstar,
ReplyDeleteAs with the other two ladies that posted, I am so happy to have read your entry.
You are such a special lady. Seeking the support of a psychologist is simply fantastic, and a great example to others.
If you decide to continue with the sessions I know you will enjoy them. I have been there, it can be freeing to talk with a non- judgmental professional. W might also like to attend; supporting a loved one has it's own challenges.
Morningstar, please keep blogging, when you have time. I have always loved your pictures and the chronicling of your journey.
All positive thoughts and energy along with hugs and kisses, Sharon
Morningstar, I've been seeing my psychologist for ten plus years, I started when I was in a period of complete meltdown, but I keep seeing him as he is my comfort blanket. When things get tough I can just talk and have him listen and support. I sometimes feel I cannot bother my friends and family with yet another drama in my life, there have been too many, but he's "paid" to listen and that is such a comfort in times of stress.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing.
Hil
Dear Morningstar, i've kept quiet until now as I had problems of my own but I never stopped thinking of you.You were right to ave the guts to talk to a psy (I wish I had) because you can apreciate how much they can listen to you.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I think that's the problem: which of your chosen best friends will actually LISTEN to you?
I'm a big fan of seeing psychs/therapists. Everyone needs someone they can vent to. Even if there are friends who will listen, often friends aren't the best people to hear the venting. They're more emotionally involved and, especially for the really rough stuff, they don't have the training to necessarily help. I know one of the things I really needed when I started seeing my shrink was someone who would challenge me and that's something I really can't ask out of friends. The fact that I'm often the listener to my friends just solidifies my opinion on the use of therapists. I know I can't give them all the help they need and it's hard to not get drawn in emotionally to levels where it drains me too much.
ReplyDeleteI think the not knowing what to do is incredibly common when folks retire. I had to retire very young due to disability (same time my mother retired, in fact) and several years in I still struggle with finding what I can do. My parents both struggled as well, but seem to have found more stable things they want to do than I have. (A big part of my problem is related to my medical problems causing overall deterioration so that things I could do when I first retired aren't options now.) The fact that you had any plans when you retired actually put you ahead of many people. I also don't think it's possible to fully prepare oneself emotionally for retirement. We're prepared all our lives to work and it takes a radical change in mindset to suddenly not have that happening.
That is so very hard to do sometimes, good luck to you.
ReplyDelete