Subspace is one the most difficult topics i can think of to explain to someone. i use the term 'dancing with my fairies'. But there is a whole science behind subspace and the endorphins that bring on the rush.
Endorphins are a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieve pain. They have a similiar structure to morphine. One of the best ways to release these chemicals is pain. And .. like with morphine .. endorphins are addictive... just ask any runner who feels the "adrenaline rush". If you want more of the scientific data.. you can simply google "endorphins".. what i want to try and explain is how it looks and feels to Sir and to me.
When Sir starts a session, i grind my teeth, dance a jig, cry, sometimes yell... it doesn't feel good, hell being hit with a flogger or a whip , or having needles pushed into your body HURTS! And that is what the brain is saying.. OUCH OUCH OUCH... Then there is something that happens in my brain....... i see the pain as waves.. BIG ones.. and i start my mental climb upwards to get on top of them. I deepen my breathing.. i focus on something.. it can be a shiny spot on the wall.. or a mark in the paint... anything...
Then at some point.. i feel it.. i feel the endorphins kick in. i can't explain it very well... i just feel a connection with the flogger or the whip.. i feel a calmness spread over my body... my muscles relax...When Sir talks to me - or asks me a question...... i find it difficult to put the words together to answer Him. i can hear the words in my brain - but it takes all my focus / energy to spit them out. Sir has one question He asks me over and over during a session. He will ask me " who loves you?" and my answer is "my Sir does".. then He will ask "how do you know?" and i answer "because He beats my ass". That's how it looks from my side....
From Sir's side i am quite sure it is a completely different view. First of all there is always the "monster" inside that i believe all Doms fight to keep in check. There is the total sense of power He has over me.. over my body. And i believe there is a sexual arousal.. maybe animalistic?? i am not sure how to phrase it. (and i have a feeling Sir may not be too flattered by that description). i also know it has taken Sir a long time to be totally and completely comfortable with my spacing out on Him. It HAS to be a scary thing for a Dom to be flogging the life out of another human being... to be hearing her cries and yelps.... and He must be questioning what kind of man He is. (at least in the beginning)
At one point - i think it was before Sir came up with the questions to judge my state of mind - He used to stop in mid hit almost and thrust His fingers between my legs. i can remember at the beginning being embarrassed by the wetness that He would find there..later on i came to believe that it was necessary for Sir to feel that wetness.... it showed Him i was enjoying the pain.. it was OK!
It must be difficult as well for Sir to watch the change that comes over me.. He strings up a woman - and takes down (as Sir puts it ) a 4 year old. It must have been very difficult for Sir to figure out what to do with me. AND i am more than a little certain that to this day He doesn't fully understand what it is i experience. How could He?? How can anyone who doesn't go where i go?? It is as difficult for me to understand where Sir goes in His head during this time.
The after care - which is just so damn important to this dance we do together - brings us both back to earth... a gentle bump into the fairy dust.
And all of this is because of a little thing called endorphin.
day 7 - i wondered where those endorphins were when i was lying in my bed this morning with a migraine!!! but the pain has down graded to a simple headache so 25 minutes with Robin Williams and the treadmill.