Rushing........

I was sitting here drinking my morning coffee - enjoying (finally!) the sunshine pouring in the windows when suddenly - SUDDENLY - I realized it was March.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

March has finally arrived.  So what if it "came in like a lamb" one more storm at the end of March is tolerable cause it's one of the final storms..........

I jumped up and flipped the calendar from dull February to bright March.... didn't even give February a last look - just flipped that page.........


THEN

I am not sure what I was doing - reading something or other on the net and in passing noticed  something that said February 28th.......... NOOOOOOOOOOO - they must have made a mistake it can't be February STILL??!!!  

I checked the date on my computer..

oh dear god - my heart sank - it isn't March yet.......... tomorrow is March ......... today it is still FEBRUARY!  

Will this month never end???? (le sigh) 

Into the light........

In case you didn't know this interesting / irrelevant fact about me - I am quite literal.

The challenge from my photography group was "Playing with light".  Well I have tried light painting and tried to capture the tail lights of cars/street lights in a long line of light with little or no success.  (that is playing with light in my mind )

Now because it has been averaging -30 around here (with wind chill) I had no desire to stand out on a street corner trying to capture tail lights/street lights....... or to try and paint with light ............... I was stymied

For all of 5 minutes !!

I decided to play with light bulbs.

I took one light bulb - only one!!  and took a serious of shots changing the white balance and the settings and just about anything else I could change......... 

Here are the results..........

and then just for fun I edited the above picture to this....

and then I searched for a non-frosted light bulb .........

 

 
Before I got hung up on light bulbs I did take a couple of other shots.........

This one is a night light ............

And that was my submission for "playing with light" - most of the others took pics of their animals lying in the sunshine - the sun shining through ice  - that sort of thing...... it continues to amaze me how we each interpret the challenges.......

Here we go again...........

Well I saw the doc yesterday.  

The first question she asked me "did the meds work" 
Answer "nope" not at all'

She nodded as though that was the answer she expected...... which today - having had time to think about it - makes me go WTF?

She then said I had two choices - 1) to have yet another biopsy in the office or 2) be hospitalized - undergo day surgery - and let her get a really good sample and have a really good look.

I picked #2.  Having a biopsy in the office with no anesthetic or freezing was not something I would volunteer for (been there 3 times - got the Tshirt and keep trying to throw it out!)

So sometime in the next 6 - 8 weeks I will be going back into hospital.  I am feeling frustrated and angry ...... it's enough NOW!  I am retired - I want to laugh and love and not be constantly thinking about a failing body or doctor's appointments or painful procedures.

And then I wondered this morning - if this set of doctors just wanted to give me time to get through the bladder cancer....cause one of the questions she asked me was the status of the bladder cancer. She also went out of her way to reassure me that things would probably turn out well.  

So ........ here we go again........ and hopefully soon things will start to turn around .....   

Busy Me

This living on my own - if only for a few days - is not easy.  I lived by myself for many years but 1 1/2 years with Sir and I am spoiled ......... le sigh 

Yesterday I got busy - instead of dwelling in the quiet - I dragged all the furniture out of the quiet room and rearranged it all.  Not an easy task - and my bones and muscles hurt!  Who knew the furniture would be so heavy and awkward??? BUT now that it's all back in - I like it - a lot!  I think the room looks bigger - not so cluttered and cramped. YAY me.

Then in the afternoon a friend dropped by for coffee and we cheered each other up - at least I hope I cheered her up.  

When she left - the house got noisy.  Who knew how noisy a house can be.  Every creak made me wonder if the roof was gonna cave in from all the snow on it........ every bump made me jump ...... every sigh from the walls made me wonder who was watching ...... I am such a scaredy cat

Today is gonna be rough.  I have a doctor's appointment.  And for the scary ones Sir always comes with me.  He asked me - he did - before he left if I could manage the appointment and I told him YES... hell I am a big girl right? I should be able to handle even a scary doctor's appointment by myself!!

But the first thing on my mind at 5 this morning when my eyes popped open was "doctor today".  and my stomach tied itself up in knots - impressive knots !!  Sitting here at my computer was making matters worse.  So I dragged on my snow boots and mitts and coat and scarf and went out to shovel the pathway and the walkway and the driveway........ and when that was done I did my neighbour's driveway........ now my bones and muscles really hurt!!  AND it is only 10:30 - I still have 3 hours till my appointment. 

Ah well - fingers crossed the appointment will go ok - and then I can come home and celebrate with my rack of ribs I have set aside for dinner.  And then who knows - one more sleep and my Sir may be home..........

Away

Sir is in Montreal for the week.  A good friend is having surgery and he has gone to hand hold and drive and visit and do anything else he can to make this time easier for her.

I am here alone

because - well I have an appointment with the doctor  tomorrow over some questionable goings on in my uterus.  

and because I wasn't invited to come.  These are his friends.  And as much as I try to pretend they accept me I don't feel accepted.  They are his friends.

I tried to convince myself this time alone would be fun.  After all I lived on my own for many years.  But it feels very different now.  I catch myself tip toeing around his house as though I might disturb something ....... I stop before making a meal cause I have forgotten (I guess) how to make a meal I want when I want how I want.

Even dear lil miss ashes is reacting to his being gone.  She is curled up in his place in the TV room.  She turned up her nose at supper and refused to leave his spot to come to bed with me.  Even she feels his absence.

Then last night we chatted briefly on facebook - and he asked if I had gone out for dinner.  I sat staring at the screen - how did he know??? I had forgotten this house is wired and videoed and it talks to him via his phone.  Even this morning at 6 something he knew I was up and on facebook (I always go on facebook first) and he popped up in the chat window to check on me.

So maybe I am not as alone as I thought.

Maybe I just miss his physical presence......... his voice .... the need to follow his routines....

Maybe I am really truly submissive longing for the sound of my "Master's voice"