Wednesday, March 19, 2014
I went to see a psychologist yesterday. Truthfully I am not sure why. As she said "I am the most 'self aware' patient she has seen. BUT having someone I can talk to - who isn't bothered by my tears or anger is nice - I can sort of let my hair down
What we talked about mostly - was an epiphany I had had some time before Christmas. I was outside having a smoke and was thinking about my life............... how as a child I had plans for when I grew up - gonna be a teacher. (check done!) And then as I got older - plans to marry (check done!) plans to have children - preferably 2 (check done!) Then plans - rather sketchy ones - but plans nevertheless - to divorce my husband and find my own way (check done!) Then plans to retire - to move to Kingston and live happily ever after (check done!) Oh yeah and my one big plan for retirement was to take photography classes and learn to use my camera (check done!)
BUT that morning standing outside I realized that all my plans were completed and all I could think was - 'now I am just hanging around waiting to die. There are no more plans' and that thought depressed me.... and I couldn't shake it.
Now - as I told the psychologist - that is exactly what is happening with these two tumours - I am waiting to die. And it makes me very sad and very angry. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!
The psychologist said, so often folks plan financially for retirement - but not emotionally - nor do they make plans for what they are gonna do. I did learn (pretty damn quick last week) that going back to working with children may not be what I want to do.........
She pointed out that I could drop dead tomorrow - get run over by a bus - that I didn't have to wait for these tumours to be my death sentence. She challenged me to make a list of things that I really want to do...........and she gave me examples - nothing elaborate - things like feed the ducks - go to Wolfe Island for an ice cream ..........
I have been thinking about that............. I want to work in my oriental gardens this spring/summer - I want to be a much better submissive - much more graceful submissive to W.......... I want to stain the decks and sit in the sun and read all the books on my KOBO .......... I want to help W build his new train table ......... I want to grow old with him and love him forever. (however long forever is)
I honestly never understood "one day at a time" before ......... never did - I was too busy with all my plans............ now I have to learn to enjoy and live each day to it's fullest - find the joy and the love in each day............
My one wish for you all - is that you learn now to find your joy each new day don't wish your days away.