Thursday, September 12, 2013
Walking a fine line
I have been collared for 4 days now (collared for those that don't know - means owned - property of) I have been collared before - this should be easy right ? like riding a bike - you don't forget - you just get back on and start pedaling as fast as you can ........... and balance.
I believe it is the balance that is my downfall. I keep falling off the proverbial bike. And it is tying me up in knots (forgive the pun)
The basics are ok - it is ... what shall I call it??? - the fine tuning of being owned that I am messing up. (AND please don't anyone tell me to talk to W - or any other comment about communication - in the real world - sometimes talking doesn't work - it just doesn't)
In our negotiations W made it quite clear that he was not going to change - and I wasn't to try! I have been hyper vigilante about not changing him. Example - W is used to eating "bachelor type meals" I want to cook for him - make him nice dinners (at least) and He doesn't always get it... He would be happy with frozen dinners or hot dogs and hamburgers all the time. I am trying to find a balance between his easy meals and my desire to make nice dinners... a sort of / kind of 2 days of my meals 1 day of easy bachelor food - 2 days of my meals and so on......(does that make sense??)
I also know that W feels that he is always the one taking care of others............ and as much as he enjoys it .............it can get old pretty damn fast. So I didn't want to be one of the ones who needs him to "take care of them"........ I want to be strong and independent and take care of myself for W........... but deep down inside I want to curl up and let W take care of things.......
Example - I had a doctor's appointment the other day - wayyyyyyy downtown (which here in Kingston is a laugh - it is about 15 minutes from us) and I was getting stressed about a) going to the doctor and b) going alone and maybe getting lost. W took me...... and I felt guilty. On the way home we stopped at a clothing store cause I wanted to see if I could pick up some exercise clothes (my plan is to start taking Tai Chi classes at the end of the month) ......... W didn't come into the store and I lost track of time going through all the racks of clothes trying to find what I needed - and landed up not finding anything!! When I got outside - W made a crack about how long it took.............
Yesterday we were supposed to go grocery shopping - only W's car got rear ended while he was putting air in the tires - some little 19 year old decided to park her SUV in his trunk (no one got hurt!!) And so the rest of the morning was dealing with that - and a quick visit to the body shop. W said at some point "another day wasted". And as the other two days had been running around with me - I felt guilty.
I am desperately trying to find the fine line between being a "roommate/wife" and being his submissive............. I know what I want - I want to curl up and let him take care of things...take care of me....... but then W would be spending time on me - and not having time for himself right??? and dear god in heaven - the very last thing I want is to be seen/perceived as a burden - a chore - a pain in the ass.
I am pedaling as fast as I can and trying as hard as I can to find the balance.......... it's the balance that's doing me in.