Thursday, September 12, 2013

Walking a fine line

I have been collared for 4 days now (collared for those that don't know - means owned - property of)  I have been collared before - this should be easy right ? like riding a bike - you don't forget - you just get back on and start pedaling as fast as you can ........... and balance.

I believe it is the balance that is my downfall.  I keep falling off the proverbial bike. And it is tying me up in knots (forgive the pun)

The basics are ok - it is ... what shall I call it??? - the fine tuning of  being owned that I am messing up.  (AND please don't anyone tell me to talk to W - or any other comment about communication - in the real world - sometimes talking doesn't work - it just doesn't)

In our negotiations W made it quite clear that  he was not going to change - and I wasn't to try!  I have been hyper vigilante about not changing him.  Example - W is used to eating "bachelor type meals" I want to cook for him - make him nice dinners (at least) and He doesn't always get it... He would be happy with frozen dinners or hot dogs and hamburgers all the time.  I am trying to find a balance between his easy meals and my desire to make nice dinners... a sort of / kind of 2 days of my meals 1 day of easy bachelor food - 2 days of my meals and  so on......(does that make sense??)

I also know that W feels that he is always the one taking care of others............ and as much as he enjoys it can get old pretty damn fast.  So I didn't want to be one of the ones who needs him to "take care of them"........ I want to be strong and independent and take care of myself for W........... but deep down inside I want to curl up and let W take care of things.......

Example - I had a doctor's appointment the other day - wayyyyyyy downtown (which here in Kingston is a laugh - it is about 15 minutes from us) and I was getting stressed about a) going to the doctor and b) going alone and maybe getting lost.  W took me...... and I felt guilty.  On the way home we stopped at a clothing store cause I wanted to see if I could pick up some exercise clothes (my plan is to start taking Tai Chi classes at the end of the month) ......... W didn't come into the store and I lost track of time going through all the racks of clothes trying to find what I needed - and landed up not finding anything!!  When I got outside - W made a crack about how long it took.............

Yesterday we were supposed to go grocery shopping - only W's car got rear ended while he was putting air in the tires - some little 19 year old decided to park her SUV in his trunk (no one got hurt!!)  And so the rest of the morning was dealing with that - and a quick visit to the body shop.  W said at some point "another day wasted".  And as the other two days had been running around with me - I felt guilty.

I am desperately trying to find the fine line between being a "roommate/wife" and being his submissive............. I know what I want - I want to curl up and let him take care of things...take care of me....... but then W would be spending time on me - and not having time for himself right??? and dear god in heaven - the very last thing I want is to be seen/perceived as a burden - a chore - a pain in the ass.

So ...............

I am pedaling as fast as I can and trying as hard as I can to find the balance.......... it's the balance that's doing me in.



Sir said...



keth said...

you talk about balance, but you don't say over what time you expect to find that balance. For example... you say that W said "another day wasted", when he's already spent two days running around with you. well, leaving apart the issue that he might actually have *enjoyed* spending the time with you, even if not the actual tasks, there is this: balance is rarely achieved over the course of a single day. I would suggest a wider span of time - e.g. a week, a month. In any given month there are certain things that must be done. house stuff - shopping, etc. your stuff - the doctors, etc. his stuff - his car, etc. then when all that is done, you see what's left. balance it out that way. that may mean that in any given week or day its more heavy towards one side than another, but the following week might be more heavy towards the other. maybe you can also achieve balance by setting aside a day each week for each other - e.g. one day W gets to do whatever he wants, the other day you get to do what you want (not need). the other days you do all the stuff you *need* to do - whether thats shopping or the doctors or fixing the car. You say not to say "talk to W" about this, but honestly? If you want to implement something like what I've suggested, then you'd need to talk to him.

Hope that helps..