Friday, August 13, 2010


I have been quiet lately ...Like an addict I have been trying to rid my body of the toxic chemicals that have been coursing through my system. I have been doing a lot of navel gazing....... and soul searching. And - if you are interested - I don't believe I am anywhere near done.

For those of you young 'uns who can not ever imagine not being sexually active - or sexually intimate with the love of your life...... (like so many over on FetLife) let me tell you ...... from experience .. there comes a time when one or both partners become "disinterested" for a variety of reasons.

The one thing I do know about myself is that I need/require/desire sexual intimacy........ in whatever form it can take. It doesn't have to be intercourse.. but my god .. there had better be some form of intimacy .. otherwise the demons in my head start their song and dance routine... and then wait for it............ this woman is gonna spiral down a long way into "I am old. I am not desirable. I am ugly"... and on and on the voices go.

I am sick to death of the young 'uns saying that they could live without intimacy if their partners couldn't / wouldn't .......... I would like to see them try it.. not for a weekend - but for months on end. Trust me...... they will start doubting their own self........ it is hard not to. And it bugs me that they believe there will always be some form of intimacy. Not so. When one loses their sexual drive...... the next to follow (in my humble opinion - and experience) is the snuggles and intimate touching. Loss of sexual drive usually means eventually the vanilla snuggles follow... and maybe even the beatings - which (for me anyway) tend to be a form of foreplay.

So don't sit there with your high and mighty attitude and tsk tsk at me for saying that I can not .. nor will I .. live without some form of intimacy. And yes .. shock!! shock !!,,, I will probably land up walking away if nothing is done to scratch the itch I have. (and if you think that makes me a bitch - so be it! I need to hear "I love you" I need to hear "you are sexy or sensous or just plain damn "you look good tonite" without it ... the world becomes a very dreary place)

And that became a major problem for me in "bottoming" - the total lack of any sort of sexual connection. Someone asked me in a hushed whisper once - at the beginning of my time with the 2 Sirs - if he EVER got aroused. At first I was shocked by the question....... and shocked that I didn't have a clue. And then I started to pay attention....... and I have to say ...... No I don't think he did ever get sexually aroused from playing with me. And then..... while I was away visiting the Heron Clan... I realized I didn't get sexually aroused by him......... not in the standard way. Oh the pain he gave me could get me there...... but that's not quite the same thing. There was no sexual connection between us....... and never would be - because he was married to the other Sir. I wouldn't allow it.......... not on my part anyway.

There may be all sorts of reasons for the sexual intimacy to dry up....... BUT.. I am a firm believer there still has to be some form of intimacy... some form of physical expression of the love and respect that you have for each other.

I may be wrong here..... but for me anyway........ intimacy is the life blood of a relationship....... without it ... the spirit starts to shrivel up and die....


lavender said...

For one of the yung one

I want to give you a big hug, what you have found out about your self could not have been easy at all. A relationship with out intimacy would drive me nuts.

The best of luck with your continued search


abby said...


I read your post this morning and started to comment,,,could not.
Your post hit close to home for me, as do many of your writings. I have had a relationship die because of lack of intimacy, after a while you grow so far apart, there is not point to it.

I agree, intimacy does not necessarily have to mean sex, but it sure does have to include touching and hugging, and sharing.

Keep searching, we need your spirit among us...I know it has been a rough journey, you will find what you both need and want.


slave freya said...


Well said!

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