Friday, May 18, 2007

humiliation play


i was ... well.... challenged to write a fictional story from the dominant's point of view. drakor and i have been talking - as we often do - about the lack of evil dommes and from those chats came the challenge. i have had from time to time rather evil thoughts about what i would do as a dominant. i have even tried a couple of times to dom drakor (thank goodness he is a good friend and a switch) and both attempts were dismal failures.

i let the ideas for this story swirl around in my head for days and yesterday i sat down and started to write. (and no don't look for it yet on the Fictional Journey - i am only due to post there on the June 1st)

In writing this story i learned a few things about myself..... if i let my imagination go.. and just write the ideas in my brain... i can be quite evil.. but then i pause and wonder if i am really "evil" or just evil in my opinion?? On paper (so to speak) i have no trouble being mean and saying mean things, it flows easily - until that is i reread what i had written. Then i am plagued with doubts. Do i sound too mean?? Am i being too cruel?? OH MY GOD.. this could actually hurt someone's feelings !!! do damage !!! and i found myself hitting a wall - bigger then any writer's block.

Then i started to question where these mean words came from......... from me?? Somewhere inside there is a very mean cruel me??? i couldn't write another word.. i just hung there..

So i did what i always do when i am worried about something.. i sent the half written story to Sir.. and asked Him if it was appropriate.. if i should continue or tone it down.. or toss it completely. The shock i felt at the words i had written is still surprising me this morning.. i reread what i had written and thought to myself - probably most would find it normal at best.. tame at worst.. yet it still makes my stomach churn....

Is it like that for a new dominant.. the first time they actually inflict pain on another?? Do they worry about it? Do they worry they have gone too far??? Do they want to crumble immediately and snuggle with their "victim" and be reassured themselves that all is "right with the world"??

If nothing else .. the exercise of writing this story has taught me being a Dominant is not an easy job.. it is something that must come naturally from within.. and they shouldn't be constantly second guessing every action they do......

It also taught me that i am so far from being dominant that it isn't even funny.... so much for the pipe dreams of one day owning a house slave to do all the ding dang house work around here and freeing me up to do the things i like best.........

submissive by nature and nurture that's me..........

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editorial note: this story i am struggling with ..may still turn up on the Fictional Journey on the 1st of June.. it is in Sir's hands and up to Him if i continue writing... also it will probably be written / posted in at least 2 parts .. because it takes a lot of words to sound evil (cheeky grin)


6 comments:

drakor66 said...
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drakor66 said...

Sorry I remember only a failed bondage attempt when did you try to dom me? A little smirk.. I never worry if I have gone too far when I dom until i have gone too far but so far that has not happened often. As you know I feel that the worry about safety is taken too far at times after all that is why I am there to be a little extreme you must admit the idea of sticking pins into yourself and saying that was fun might have a few people worried about safety!

drakor66 said...

Second little thought when two people play things such as football and one gets injured because of a clean tackle should they feel bad yes a bit should it stop them from playing the game no, not in my opinion

Buffalo said...

Define evil for me. These days it is a much bandied about word.

littleone said...

drakor.. remember the night you came over to "serve" with two other friends of ours?? remember you and the other submissive rolling around afterwards?? ok .. maybe Sir was involved in that domming too.. but it was a lot of my doing.......

Buffalo....... i don't think i can define evil in the way i meant it in one or two words.. i will post later about it..

drakor66 said...

ah so what you are saying is thta you have an evil mind is it not!