Changes

In my usual fashion - I have had this thought simmering on the back burner. ..... not really coming to a full boil....... but nevertheless simmering............. 

I am not sure even now I can put into words what I am feeling/thinking........... But let's give it a try ............ 

I'm an old bird......... I've been on the net since it's conception........ (hell I used to work in dos before windows or the net as we know it today appeared on the scene) I have seen / read it all........ or all that I want to........ 

And I have noticed something....... not very big... just a small blip on the  BDSM internet scene....... depending on who / what you read you might not even notice it .......it's that small a blip......... 

But when I started reading blogs - all the blogs I read were of Doms / subs / Master / slaves that lived 24/7 - there was talk of safe sane and consensual - there was talk of TPE (total power exchange) there was talk of regular beatings.......of serving on hands on knees... of bowing before the "ONE"..........

And I wanted that ...... I wanted it so bad I could taste it !!

 And I had it........ for a while - 24/7 .. almost TPE....... but it turned out not to be like what I had read - it wasn't exciting all the time.. it wasn't even logical all the time... hell there were times it wasn't even possible.  


I am starting to think I became a little bit disillusioned......... I do know the excitement didn't last all that long...... I do know I became impatient - and not very graceful - or kind for that matter.... I was bored.  pure and simple ....... B O R E D


And know what ?? I think W got bored too....... 


Life is so much more than one facet of living........... and anyone who thinks it isn't - is living in a dream world.  


Life is about change........... and keeping up with the changes - and accepting the changes.... Life most definitely is NOT static.

I think living in a D/s relationship - in a total TPE relationship - is a fantasy.  One folks try out for a while - the length of time varies - from a few weeks to a few years - but in my opinion something changes - something always changes - and then I read the struggles of those folks trying to figure out what the hell went wrong.  I read a lot of blame on all sides....... I also read blogs where the lifestyle (per say) just seems to dwindle down to much less than 24/7 and a whole lot more of weekend play ........... 

It got me thinking of every day normal relationships where the honeymoon period involves a whole lot of lovey dovey behaviours ......... sex in every room .. at every opportune moment........ and then the newness wears off.. and the every day mundane  routines settle in... some relationships don't survive the end of the "honeymoon" period.. some change and settle down in to the mundane everyday routines ...... 


It would seem to me - that changing is happening all over the place - in all of the blogs of TPE and Master / slave - and I realize W and I are not alone in this changing process.... 


It doesn't make me feel any better........ this change...... I don't DO change well..... but it seems to be inevitable.  


And perhaps the real test is not how good a submissive or Dom one is.. but how well we adapt to the changes and bring our choice of lifestyle with us through the changes.  How well we mold and change our lifestyle to fit into the reality of LIFE.  


And maybe that is why The Journey has gone from daily discussions of the Joy of BDSM and serving and pain and whips and floggers and ropes - OH MY .......... to everyday living.......... with work and kiddies and struggles and the occasional - sometimes rare - sessions with those whips and floggers and serving and all the other trappings of a BDSM lifestyle.


Life is about Change - and it tests the strength of the relationship - of the love - of the commitment to each other.  


Maybe?

Orgasm

Saturday - during one of the play sessions - W gave me a mind blowing orgasm.  Ok ok so most of my orgasms are mind blowing - I think because I have reached the point in my life where every orgasm is a blessing - ya know the ability to have orgasms could dry up and blow away - I am of that age................. 

But every time I tell W it is broken - or not working he proves to me it is all in my head... 

He pushes my legs apart ..... enters me.. finds that spot... rubs it and rubs it harder and harder... and just like that my body is twitching and squirting and I am having a mind blowing orgasm.

I like orgasms.. 

I like them even more than pain..........(though pain is great foreplay for me!!)

I would like orgasms every single day............... with W. 

And I wonder why it is .. when I look for pictures of "orgasm" I find all these pictures of women glowing........ looking absolutely perfect... make up not smudged - hardly a hair out of place.  When I have an orgasm I look like shit (in my humble opinion) .. my face gets all blotchy - hell my body is all blotchy.  If I have make up on - it is gonna be smudged guaranteed !!  My hair is usually all over the place.  And my eyes are red rimmed and watery and vacant.  

BUT honestly I don't give a crap how I look - it's how I feel that counts........... and oh my god I feel wonderful !!!  


Endorphins and dopamine and adrenaline all mixed together in a cocktail that makes me feel loved and contented and squishy.

Yeah I love orgasms.

Uniquely painful

On January 1st W got a birthday present from kinky friends.  You can read about it  and see some good photos of it here......

But because of the monstrous bug I have been dealing with ..... the new flogger has been sitting waiting.......... until this weekend.

When I knelt over the ottoman late Saturday afternoon and lifted my eyes,.....This is what I saw draped over the edge of the toy bag...... glinting in the  light...

waiting for me... waiting for W...


I lowered my head and waited........... through the blue rose paddle, the braided leather 3 fall flogger, the vegan whip and the circus whip.......... 30 minutes of excruciatingly exquisite pain.

And then his voice spoke in my ear "are you ready ??" I couldn't catch my breath - I was afraid to answer - yet knew I HAD to answer... 


I nodded.


And so it began............. silver metal tips biting into my ass... hurting beyond hurt....

When it was over - and I had conquered yet another vicious toy...... my ass pounded - the blood pounded in my ears... it felt wonderful.


A few hours later I was knelt over the ottoman again....... and yet again I felt the floggers and canes and paddles and finally ...... the silver tipped dragon.... pounding into my ass... I could barely breath....... the pain filled me completely - there was nothing in my mind but an abiding deep darkness and the pain.......... 


The new toy left strange marks......... no bruising no blood - (well almost no blood) but strange white spots...........

Sunday morning W tried again...... I wasn't sure if I could take a third session but oh my god I was more than willing to try.......... 

I had no bruises - no marks one could see...... but I could feel - inside - the tenderness - the raw exposed nerves......... but still I wanted to try .. 3 sessions in two days would be a record......... 

But after only a few minutes I had to stop it.. it was more than I could take... and I cried... and W comforted....... 

The adrenaline had flowed - but no endophins - so I was left feeling like I was going to upchuck........ (not a nice feeling at all) I curled up on the chair under my snuggly and worked my way back to normalcy.  


As usual - despite the beating I took - there were / are no marks to see.  But deep inside I can feel the pain - even this morning - I know there are marks and bruises - deep inside.  Sometimes it can be discouraging that there are no outward marks...... Sometimes it seems without them that somehow I haven't taken all I could take...... Sometimes I wish I could mark like others.......... but I don't .... that's just the way I am.

As for the new toy......... it joins the long list of toys I love to hate.

Word Association

Just some words floating around in my addled brain..............

Interactive blogging continued.........

Well five of you readers were willing to try out my "interactive" blogging yesterday.  And yes I know I did say I would answer the questions last night......... BUT...... (have you noticed how many 'but's' there are in my blogs ??) I was exhausted when I got home from school - and the miserable awful terrible sore throat had reared it's nasty lil head again........... SO........... I decided to wait till this morning when I could give each of you the time and energy your questions deserved.

Right then.......... without further ado............ 

Question 1 (and they are in no particular order)

Blazngfire asked :  How are you doing with the Accounting program??

ugh you had to ask that one eh Blazn???  Actually not very well........... I have the bookkeeper on speed dial.  JUST when I think the program is finally set up to run on it's own (basically) and that all my questions have been answered - something else crops up.............. 

Like yesterday - I tried to enter my employee's pay and the program was looking for her hours over the holidays.  She doesn't get paid over the holidays - logically (in my mind) I would enter 0 hours - the program will not accept that as a viable answer......... so I am stuck again :(

Blazngfire also asked: Do you get to the Capital often?? Will you be there in February??

No I wouldn't say we go up to the Capital very often........... we were supposed to go up this weekend - but between the weather and this f*%$king bug we cancelled.  W did say we would try and make it up in February.................... which brings me to a question for you............ WHEN are you going to be in the Capital in February??? AND do you ever pass through here on your way up??? 

Rene asked:  I have been following you and W for a long time now and wondered why you never took that step to 24/7 living together??  (and no Renee that wasn't too personal a question to ask) 

The easy answer is W lives about 30 minutes away from me - down a long highway and over a bridge (a muchly used bridge I might add) and I work/ live here.  We had always said when I retire we would move out of province together and find a nice lil house somewhere together.......... that's the easy answer.

 However I suspect there is a much harder answer to that question........ and it makes me a little sad to be truthful...... I doubt very much if W and I will ever live 24/7 under the same roof.  There are some major character flaws we both have that would make living together a possible nightmare...... I think it would be ideal if we found joint living quarters that involved - for example, a duplex - where we would both have separate living quarters but be close enough to spend a large quantity of time together.  Or like the Heron clan - townhouses side by side where we could slip easily into each other's house by the back door for example.  

BUT as I said - nothing much will happen until such time as we can actually move and live closer to each other.  

Also (and I do HATE to bring it up - sort of like rubbing salt in my wound) but I did take my collar off and ended the Dom / sub relationship.  I don't know if W will ever accept me as his submissive again.  However - we are "girlfriend and boyfriend" now..... which is good :)  But there doesn't seem the same burning desire (or need) to live 24/7 in that type of relationship.  (well for us anyway)

Perfectdt asked:  How is the Canadian press treating kinksters nowadays?? Are they giving you a reasonable image or are you still getting the tired old knee jerk reactions from the journos??

I am honestly not sure I am the best person to answer that as I seldom if ever read a newspaper or watch a newscast.  I do know during Fet Weekend back in September the news crews were out in full force - but they were only snapping up stories of the extreme which is pretty much "same old same old" I have always maintained that a D/s relationship / lifestyle is just not all that newsworthy as there is nothing extreme about it.. to sell newspapers......... 

Ana asked: Is this the first only blog you have ever had?? And why did you start blogging??? 

The Journey  (and all adaptations to the name) is / was my first blog and continues to be my main blog.  I did - for a while - try having a vanilla blog (on word press - which I never did manage to figure out ) where I posted photos and family news - that didn't last long.

Then I started a couple of extra blogs here on Blogger. 

I had "Behind the Screen" which started off as something else (which I can't for the life of me remember) but it was only for my fictional writing and was linked to The Journey.  However it took a lot of time and energy to write monthly stories - and I only had 9 readers.  Sorry but it seemed just too much work for so few visitors.  I took it down.  I figured my writing was not as good as some people thought.. including myself...... so why beat a dead horse??

Then last year while I was sick and trying to motivate myself to get out of the house - I started "365".  The premise was to post a photograph a day.  It went along well while I was sick - but once life returned to normal - the camera and 365 were shelved until such time as I retire and can actually devote real time to my photography.  (Though truthfully I fear my talent for photography will be much like my talent for writing - not very good )

And now the why I started blogging........... wow..... way back when I was reading a few BDSM blogs and thought how much fun it would be to have my own blog.  I have always kept some sort of journal - hand written - so it seemed a simple easy jump from paper to screen.  It has been a love / hate relationship... as at times I censor myself.... or write for the masses..... It has been an ongoing struggle to keep it honest and true... 

And truthfully I think I started to blog because I wanted people to read it.. to know me. My 15 minutes of fame sort of thing??? Over the years it has become my outlet ....... and I honestly don't think I could stop now ........ I don't worry nearly so much what people think of me ........or my skewered philosophies......... or my brand of BDSM.... or even how many people read....... the words rattle around in my head until they come out..... and then voices in my head quiet down (cheeky grin)

Sir Mike asked:  What age did you start to enjoy pain? How much pain do you really like? 

ummmmmm I would say Sir Mike that I started to like pain in my late teens.  Or rather I discovered that pain was a turn on.  I don't "like" normal every day pain - like banging my shin bone on a table edge.  But when I was in my late teens I was reading books by Anonymous authors set in the Victorian days where young girls were getting spanked.. and I always got very turned on by the imagery the words created.  I read the Story of O at that time and was blown away by the imagery and pain that ran through almost every page of that book........ especially the piercing scene.  

I did try "cutting" around the same time...... and discovered it was as good as anything I imagined........ and was the best foreplay going........ until that is my parents caught me - threw a major hysterical fit marched me off to a psychologist ........ and so my cutting period ended quite abruptly.  Pain was bad...... and shouldn't be done.  I was in my 30's I guess before I realized there was a whole sub-culture out there that actually felt the same way I did.  

As to how much pain I actually like??? That is a rather personal evaluation.  I don't think I take that much.  It was only two summers ago when I was playing with different Tops that I was labeled a masochist.  It threw me for a loop.... probably because of my earlier introduction to "pain is bad"........ and somehow being a masochist meant I was one sick puppy.  

When I hear someone say they took 40 birthday spanks and couldn't sit down for a week..... in my head I say "ONLY 40??!! W tends to play for 40 minutes to an hour with me each time.  He uses whips and floggers (leather, rubber, knotted rope) canes, and a multitude of other toys.  A couple who were watching one scene a while back said the force with which W hit me with one of the floggers - created such a wind that they had to move because they got chilled.

It is very difficult to answer "how much"............ it's a bit like trying to describe the colour blue to a blind person.  Guess you will have to come and watch me get beat (cheeky grin) and then you can answer the question yourself.

Sir Mike also asked:    What happened to the man who was the father of your children?

Well to start (cheekier grin) He is still the father of my girls.  And very much still on the edges of my life.  We socialize together at birthdays, high holidays, weddings, funerals etc.  He comes for Christmas here and usually Easter.  We are friends now.  When we were married, He knew of my desire to be played with (in those days only sexually) and to find out more about being a submissive.  He fully encouraged me to do so.  (Personally I think he thought it was some weird sort of hobby) ....... He even met my first trainer - Lula.  But today we don't discuss that part of my life.

And that is it for all the questions.

I have to thank all of you who took time from your busy day to ask......... It was fun for me to answer them..... and hell it gave me a half decent post for today :)

If at any time anyone wishes to pop up with a question or two ......or three or four - feel free....you never need a special invitation.... AND...It does make writing a blog entry fun for me.......