Moody.....

A while back i received an email from a submissive asking me if i was prone to mood swings..... it took me back a bit....... i realized that my blog entries do go up and down in mood/reflection.. because of that email .. i have tried very hard to only write positive up mood entries........ but ya know what!? PFFFFFFFT on that! i am a moody person.. maybe it is the joy of menopause.. maybe it is just who i am... maybe it is because life is never perfect and sometimes it just sucks big time!! Whatever the reason.. i am blue today... the usual cleaning chores bring me no joy.. in fact i even put the TV on.. which is mind blowing.. i HATE TV!!!

i was trying to figure out what my problem was.. no that's not true .. i know what it is.. i was trying to figure out to handle it..... Because of some issues i have had with the heat .. both on Monday laying the damn tiles.. and Tuesday at a funeral.... yesterday i went and cut off all my hair... and i do mean all off... am i happy with the cut??? shrug.. i am not entirely sure.. but i do know when the humidity makes my hair stick to my head now .. i don't look quite so much like a drowned rat.. and i guess that is a good thing........

i realize i am a high maintenance sub.. and all the great articles out there about high maintenance subs isn't gonna change one thing in my life......i realize life just puts high demands on Sir.. and i must learn to find my place in His life.. i have been struggling with my feelings of need and want...... all morning long i have this image in my head of a wilting flower... desperately needing some water and sunlight.... it kinda feels like that inside of me.. deep inside.. and there is nothing anyone can do....

i decided being invisible is what is needed right now... and so if i don't post to my blog for a couple of days... that is the reason.. i am gonna just keep on keeping on.. and eventually some semblance of normalcy will return .. right?

(yesterday i posted to the photojournal....... i do LOVE everything oriental!)

'specially for anna'

#1 - The book nearest me ...page 18 line 4...
"Emma's Secret Diaries" - so I hatched this little plot to get Mark to come over here.

#2 - Stretch out left arm.....what do you touch?
Nothing

#3 - Last thing watched on television...?
CSI repeats

#4 - Without looking what time is it?
8:40 a.m.

#5 - What actual time is it?
8:45 a.m.

#6 - With the exception of the computer what can you hear?
a lawnmower and the fan in the room with me

#7 - When did you last step outside?
yesterday evening around 7:00 p.m.

#8 - Before this survey what did you look at?
my emails

#9 - What are you wearing?
just a T-shirt

#10 - Did you dream last night?
i seldom if ever remember my dreams

#11 - When did you last laugh?
Sunday night with Sir and julie

#12 - What is on the walls in the room?
oh good lord...... picture gallery of gay folk... family rogues gallery... calendars.. memos to myself.. a mirror (for feng shui purposes)

#13 - Seen anything weird lately?
i think one would have to define weird.. but no i don't think i have...but so much of life is weird

#14 - What do you think of this quiz?
it is fun.. and not quite so silly as some of them..

#15 - What is the last film you saw?
Sir is gonna kill me.. i honestly don't remember - i don't watch films or tv that often......wait yes i remember and Sir IS gonna kill me.. it was Memoirs of a Geisha.

#17 - Tell me something we don't know
i took dance classes for years and years.. first ballet .. then modern dance.

#18 - If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do?
that all death would be a smooth transition from this life to the next (whatever)
no pain.. and that the family left behind would be accepting of this death...and at peace.

#19 - Do you like to dance?
yup.. love it.

#20 - George Bush?
this is probably the most difficult question for me.. i am very non-political (quite likely my worst fault) i know what others think and say about him .. but personally i think he is just another president.. doing what so many others in power have done...

#21 - Imagine your first child is a girl
she was a girl.. and she had curly dark red hair.. and a temper.. and she scared me half to death.

#22 - Imagine your first child is a boy
well if i had had a boy - first or last.. it would have made me a better wife/daughter in some eyes........ if it had been a boy.. i wouldn't have had much say in how he was brought up - for sure !!!

#23 - Would you consider living abroad?
i did once........ not now.. my life is here.. and i have no desire to uproot myself anymore..

#24 - What would God say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
i would hope He would say "you did good!"

#25 - 3 people who will do this quiz
i am never sure who has done a quiz.. or who enjoys doing quizes.. so i will leave it open ended.. anyone want to do it.. help yourself !!! This was done for anna :)

The Dance

At Friday night's party i witnessed a scene i have never experienced before... to me it was a bit like watching an intimate sensual dance......

While i was on the easel there was a couch just to my right..... there was a couple sitting on it... intimately entwined in each other's arms........ they seemed to be oblivious to anything or anyone around them...... it took quite awhile for me to realize what was actually going on between them...... and i fear my words will not do their scene justice........

His hand was caressing her face... softly tenderly... it lingered over her mouth and nose..... her right arm came straight up and grasped a bar over her head.... her fingers wrapped around it tightly... his other hand was softly caressing her breasts .. running down her belly .. playing over her clit...... and slowly coming back up to play with her nipples.... all the while her arm was straight up clutching the bar...... and his hand was tightly covering her mouth and nose... His mouth was close to her ear.. either kissing her or nibbling .. or whispering .. i have no idea......

In almost slow motion....... his hands moved around her body .. releasing her mouth and nose.. his mouth coming to down to cover her mouth with kisses.. his hands continuing to play with her breasts and her clit.......

Then again his hand came up .. this time encircling her neck..... i could see the fingers whitening as his grasp tightened......... still his other hand continued to caress her body.. his mouth was once more close to her ear.. nibbling or kissing or whispering.. her arm was still clutching the bar over head....

i have no sense of time during this ....... i watched as his grip tightened even more around her neck.. and his other hand continued to caress and delight ......... and i watched as her body started to tighten... to arch.. her legs opening wide.. her pelvis thrusting up and down and up and down.. the muscles in her arm on the bar tightened even more... his mouth was covering her mouth... her body was convulsing in orgasmic bliss...........

and then she was wrapped up tight in his arms held and rocked while his mouth was close to her ear again.. murmuring.. and she was obviously floating on some heavenly cloud........ the world swirling around her feet .............

more lessons learned...

It was a challenge the friday night play party.. the "anything goes" party .. "the play till you drop" party... the leave "safe sane and consensual" at the door play party........ for some reason from the minute i entered the darkly light club and stood around while Sir greeted many of our friends and acquaintances i was somewhere between numb and scared sh*tless. Sir had me naked under a skimpy little black lace dress.... in my cuffs and collar..... my ankle cuffs were chained together so that i would be forced to concentrate on my walking.. small dainty steps..... i find that so frustrating.. so limiting...


i saw S sitting on a sofa with some other friends and i decided to go and say hello....... in my exuberance, i managed to get tangled in the chains and very nearly landed up sitting on her lap.......... my face was red.... and oh lordie was that an omen for what the rest of the evening held for me.....

i watched as subbies were stripped naked and led to the different play stations... i watched as the play began with soft moans of pain.. and louder cries of distress... Sir leaned down and whispered in my ear.. "to the easel littleone and prepare it".......... i picked up the toy bag and went to the "easel" station and laid out neatly the toys i had brought.. taking my time.. imagining the sting and bite of each toy as i laid it out for Sir.. i stood first on one foot then the other waiting for Sir to come to me.. i HATE each beginning in a club.. Sir leaving me standing..amongst the naked subbies and playing Doms... feeling center stage .. lights and eyes upon me.. Finally He was by my side and told me to strip.. His voice was soft and gentle and i began to feel comfortable... but struggled trying to get the sleeves of my dress over the bulky cuffs.. heart pounding looking to Sir for some moral support?? for help?? He only asked what was taking me so long... then the struggle to step onto the ledge of this "easel" with ankles firmly chained... mincing my way up... then feeling my wrists being clipped to the upper most part of the hanging chains.. feeling the pull in my lower legs ...

Then feeling Sir's hands as they moved up and down my back caressing me.. and sensing my mood.. my tenseness.. then His pushing my legs farther apart.. then His hand reaching between my legs.. clipping my slave bell to my clit jewelry .. hearing Him say softly "I will make those bells ring tonite!" and then without another pause feeling the suede flogger swing up between my legs .. catch the bell.. tug it out and pull it back and release it to swing in the space between my legs.. softly tinkling...

A few more swings of the flogger till the bell was swinging on its own .. ringing out to those near by... making some turn and look for the source of the sound.. drawing attention to my "private parts" so blatantly laid open for all to see... and i hung my head...

To get my attention .. Sir slipped His hand between the cheeks of my ass and pinched the tender skin hard.. making me jump and gasp and lift my head .. turn and look at Him.. He had that evil Dom look on His face.. the evil smile that makes my heart pound .. and know there is little or no reprieve for this subbie...... again and again His hand sought out the tenderest spots and pinched.. if i had been able i would have closed my legs.. tightening the muscles... but i couldn't.. i could only stand and endure the pinching......... and then .. THEN!! in my mind's eye i imagined what the others were seeing.. those that were sitting watching......... and my stomach clenched tight... they would not see the pinching fingers.. they would simply see Sir's fingers playing in the hidden ass ...... and their imaginations would develop their own quite different scenario of what was happening....... and i couldn't stand that thought !!!

i turned to Sir and pleaded with Him to stop..... "why" He asked.. and if i had answered "because the pain is too much Sir" He would have eased up.... but the embarassing truth came out.. "because Sir" i said" it is just too embarassing!" and the evil glint became a shining thing..... and His hand went back into the crack of my ass and pinched and worked even harder at bringing me to my knees (figuratively speaking)....... and i squirmed and bit my lip .. and pleaded again with Sir... oh my god the humiliation of it!! People would think.. my god they would think!! that Sir was playing in my ass........... i was absolutely totally completely mortified.

Oh Sir did use the snake whip .. and the flogger .. and the whippy.. and the cane.. and the leather tawse.. and He made sure the bell rang regularily.. tugging on my clit .. making it swing back and forth....... and yes He left welts and droplets of blood in perfect lines across my ass .. from just below the small of my back down my thighs..... BUT what made the biggest impression.. what brought me closest to tears was not the pain of the session.. but the humiliation of what people saw and thought......... and oh what lesson for me !!!

there was more .. so much more i saw and experienced .. but i will leave that for another day .. another entry.............

an inside joke..