Words

Words........ that's all this really is.. this blog of mine.. words. Words that tumble around in my head and need to come out... that is why this blog was started in the first place.. all the words words words!!!

i wrote the angel blog yesterday because i was feeling a little world weary .. a little frayed and a little cracked and bruised. Just more words that spilled out of me ........... i almost deleted that entry... almost!! i thought to myself 'that one was not very clear... ambigous and wordy and confusing.. delete it!' but for some reason i didn't... and i am glad i didn't.. the whole day turned around.. completely around ..

On a hot humid muggy July night our munch drew 20 folks. Twenty!! i could hardly believe it!! And there were 4 brand new people who came with questions and discussions and laughter. We all sat around the tables in the restaurant for over 5 hours talking and laughing and sharing.. and i realized the work.. the planning WAS worth it!! People do read the notices and do come out... and as much as i was feeling a little world weary .. a little frayed.. a little cracked and bruised like my fallen angel....... i was restored by that little group of adventurers!!!

And when i came home.. and i read the comments.. it is hard to find the words that can describe my reactions... i was embarassed (a bit) for my lack of excitement over yet another munch.. when there are those who live with no support group... no munches to go to to share and laugh and discuss (smiling and acknowledging dear swan) ... Buffalo was right when He asked "if folk tend to make things harder than they really are".. yeah i do Buffalo... sometimes.. (ok ok maybe lots of times).......... But best of all.. my words about a fallen angel had prompted a submissive who has never commented.. whom i did not know .. to send me a private email... quietly sharing her 'story' and quietly but firmly showing me that words .. my words.. do reach out and touch.. and move... making people laugh and cry and feel............... wow.. isn't that all anyone who writes can wish for.. to touch people..to make people feel through words??!!!

i was .. to put it mildly.. humbled by the comments and the email............ i will never ever again forget the power of words... both my words and those that comment here and email me...

Thank you.


p.s... and for those of you looking for another entry to the Fictional Journey...... remember i only have to write a story a day when Sir is NOT with me ........ for those of you who have not yet grasped "our living arrangement" Sir is with me - generally - Friday to Monday........ but as He left last evening, i will be writing a little something today)

A TASK

i received an email from Sir this morning that said:
you will write a story a day until I tell you to stop....
you will not write on days I am with you....
you must write a different BDSM theme every time....
you must blog it......

So i have spent a part of my morning creating yet another blog entitled
The Fictional Journey.

You may access it via the link on the right hand side of this page .. under "New Features". Please be advised these will be little fantasies of mine.. total fiction.. and fairly graphic. If stories of this kind tend to ruffle your sensitivities - i suggest you bypass this new link.

If however you enjoy my little "creations" a word or two in the comment section would do wonders for my ego........ (hey i am allowed to have an ego.. albeit a submissive one !!!)

more thoughts on humiliation...

Almost two weeks ago i posted about a play party Sir and i had attended...... i honestly hadn't given much thought to how people would react to my posting...... and so i was caught off guard with a couple of comments about the humiliation i had felt .... folks not too sure if it was what i wanted.. they didn't know if they should be happy for me.. feel sad for me... i was amazed at those comments... and i will try and explain why..........

i think we all acknowledge - at least verbally - that a submissive is on the receiving end ...... we all rattle off the "safe sane and consensual " bit like some creed learned from birth....... and i think that a lot of people honestly truly believe the submissive is the one in control. Therefore nothing is going to happen that she doesn't ultimately agree with..... that she doesn't ultimately want.......... and yes in some relationships that is exactly the way it goes........ the submissive controls what is done to her and what is NOT done to her...... afterall she has a safe word that she can pull out and use any time right??

BUT my relationship with Sir is not like that........ over 5 years ago Sir sent me a check list .. a mighty check list... a 12 page check list.. i was given a week to answer it and return it to Him.... i was warned to answer the questions very carefully....... and i did......... and there were only one or two definite major HARD LIMITS.. don't even think of going there limits...... mostly to do with children and animals.. the things most civilized people would list as hard limits.. the rest were "YES i want to do that"... "YES i love to do that" ... "MAYBE i want to try that" ... and finally "the i don't know if i want to try that"... (or soft limits) There was one that still makes me laugh.. there was a "chauffeuring" category........ i looked everywhere for a definition.. after all this was a BDSM list and it must have some definition that escapes me.. finally i had to ask Sir what "chauffeuring" was..... and He burst out laughing and said "chauffeuring - as in driving!!" wow.. how boring was that??!!!!

Anyway.. back to the thoughts rambling round in my head..........
once Sir and i had agreed on the list.......talked it to death actually.......... Sir told me i no longer had a safe word...... pointe finale !! OH there were safety measures worked in for public play - like my bright pink squeezy heart that i was to hold in my hand when we were at club with loud music .. and should a problem arise i was to throw / drop the heart to make sure that Sir knew i was in distress.. but basically there were no safe words.. no stopping what we had begun........

Now to the play party and the humiliation i experienced..... the humiliation i felt was all self induced.. Sir had no idea what it was that i was seeing in my mind's eye... none whatsoever... But IF He had decided to do some ass play .. while i was on the easel.. exposed to the world.. that would have been His choice.. it was afterall an edge play night.. anything goes play night.. a leave the safe sane and consensual at the door play night....... and i had agreed a long time ago to no safe words.. no stopping a session...

Will humiliation do permanent damage to a submissive?? yes of course it can.. if it is not done properly.. if the Dominant treads just a little too heavy on the psyche of the submissive...... BUT would ass play do permanent damage to THIS subbie??? i can answer that with a definite NO... not permanent.. oh i would be mortified .. i WAS mortified and He hadn't done anything ... would Sir be able to fix the pain and humiliation?? you betcha!! That is why .. almost 5 years ago.. i signed up for this wonderful Journey with the man i call Sir.. because i trust Him.. with my whole being.. including my psyche...... i know all of me is in good hands........

So finally to answer the question as to whether my readers should have felt happy or sad .. or even concerned for me.... rustie marie said it best when she said " I can't quite discern from your post whether you enjoyed yourself... but then again maybe that wasn't the point of it all"
and it wasn't......... the session just was what it was....... another learning experience for me........

"The Great Adventure"

Today was a special day........ i had a "date" with my 5 year old grandson to go on a GREAT ADVENTURE.... no pressure granny!!!

It got me to thinking about what i used to do when i was a kid.. that was a great adventure.. and i remembered going to Beaver Lake (i am guessing at one time there were Beavers there ... but who knows??) There were ducks then and i remember feeding the ducks bread crumbs leftover from my picnic lunch... i remember the "mountain" that i used to climb - the one the kids used to say was a volcano ....... i remember my heart pounding as i climbed over rocks and tree roots lost in the greenery.. imagining indians hiding behind the trees waiting for little girls they could capture and tie up.... (perk perk !! tie up?? yes even then i dreamed of being tied to a tree)

So i was up early this morning.. packing a picnic lunch with memories and daydreams of days gone by.... preparing for our "great adventure" !!! Mid morning we were off.. giddy with the excitement of an adventure...........

C's feet barely touched the ground as we walked the pathway to our picnic spot by the playground.. my eyes were scanning the area.... disappointment causing my heart to sink... there were no ducks in the "lake" anymore.. they had been replaced by paddle boats - $8.00 for 30 minutes minimum 2 per boat........ the volcano looked pathetically small and ordinary.. the cabane where i had planned to buy ice cream cones was closed.... where was our "great adventure"???

i had only to take a breath and watch my 5 year old scampering along the pathway.. yelling back over his shoulder "follow me granny" ..... lunch was gulped down ... with great pleas to be allowed to run and play in the playground.. to have an adventure.....

Soon we were looking for dark pathways .. with rocks to climb and trees to hide behind.. "this way granny" "look and see what I found granny" "ohhhhhhhh come this way granny - look another hill to climb"........ oh to have the energy of a 5 year old again !!! They should bottle it and sell it ....... especially to tired ole grannies..........

We even found a guy on a bicycle selling ice cream out of the "box"... what an adventure !!!! and driving home in the car....... the day was declared a " GREAT ADVENTURE" and then my energised 5 year old promptly fell asleep.

(and for those of you looking for something a little more kinky than our "great adventure" i have posted to the photojournal)

The touch of His hand...

A lot of things went on this weekend between Sir and i .. but not one of them had the impact of what happened yesterday!! And it was really quite simple actually.........

When i walked Sir out to His car to say goodbye for yet another week..... He told me to go and check my email. When i came back upstairs to the office.. sitting on my desk were my ankle cuffs (already chained together)... i kept one eye on them while i opened up my email program... There was an email from Sir telling me that every hour on the hour i was to put two bulldog clamps on each pussy lip for 20 minutes. i was to put on my ankle cuffs and wear them till He took them off. That was it.. simple.

i checked the clock .. it was almost 10 so i quickly put the ankle cuffs on and grabbed the bulldog clamps and went downstairs where i proceeded to put two clamps on each pussy lip........at 10:20 i removed them. i almost cried when they came off... i rubbed and massaged my pussy .. then i went and made myself a cup of coffee.. picked up my watch, my book, and the bulldogs and went outside to my secret garden to read. At 11:00 i put the clamps back on........ i couldn't read or drink coffee.. i could only sit and breathe through the pain... and rub and massage when they came off. At 12:00 and again at 1:00 i put them on and took them off.. each time the pain became worse ... and the recuperation time became longer.. at 2:00 and again at 3:00, on they went.. with less and less enthusiasm..... by 4:00 i was dreading the thought of putting them on.. absolutely dreading it.. i couldn't concentrate on my book... my eyes kept straying to the clock "how much longer till i HAVE to do it" was the question on my mind... i steeled myself.. at 4:00 i put them on.. and nearly cried out loud..... i could feel the indentations running down the length of my lips..they were swollen and throbbing.... At 5:00 again i clamped them on.. my mind rebelling.. but my hands doing it automatically.. the pain was a searing hot / cold pain...... at 5:25 i got a message from Sir to stop my pussy training.. i collapsed in relief.. i didn't know if i could have put those clamps back on at 6:00

it was what i needed and wanted....... to feel under Sir's control even when He is miles away from me.. it is so difficult to explain this need .. to Sir .. to you the readers.. hells bells even to myself... but having a task like this made me feel cared for.. made me feel valued.. made me feel HIS. and in the long run that is all i ever wanted.. to feel His hand even when He is miles away........