Monday, June 11, 2007

odd ball - pity party

i wonder sometimes why memories that have long since been regulated to the back shelf sneak back to haunt you........
for some really stupid reason this weekend.. i was feeling all the angst of growing up again.. the awkward - don't fit in - not good enough feelings......... skeletons in my closet i call them......

i was always the kid who didn't quite fit in.. not in the family.. not in school.. some days it felt like i didn't quite fit in in any way .. shape or form.. i learned to compensate for that by being the best well behaved toddler...



i worked really hard at school to get the marks - to not cause problems.. no teenage rebellion here..
and what i heard all the time was.. "you will be pretty when.....................

when you get rid of those braces..


when you lose some weight..

when your hair grows...
only problem was.. i never quite got it all together at the same time.. on the same day.. there were no shrieks of EUREKA you made it....... you are pretty enough now.. smart enough now.. good enough now............

i just managed to make it through to adult hood just not really caring enough if i was good enough 'now'........... except every once in a while.. when i will look in a mirror (something i seldom if ever do) and i see the person looking back at me... who the hell is SHE??

this weekend i looked in a mirror .. i saw wrinkles and grey limp hair and a body that is so far from perfect that it probably can't even begin to find the way to semi perfect!

i saw a tired old lady ........ and it made me sad.......... i didn't ever get that chance to be "pretty" and i had a pity party .. a great big pity party....... and poor Sir didn't know what happened to his cheeky fun loving sub......... well some days it just doesn't work... too many old memories ............ and the worst memory of all .. "it is all my fault - i can be anything i want to be" (except for a tiny petite 5' nothing 90 lbs soaking wet member of the family)
maybe the milk man brought me...........

6 comments:

CLoud said...

Perhaps you should change your mirror for what you saw I have never seen so it must be your mirror as I have pretty much seen all of you.

Buffalo said...

I'm torn between sympathy and telling you to get your cute butt off the pity potty. (I know, ouch!)

Between you and the mirror, any one and the mirror, are filters generated by doubt and fear. The image we see is distorted.

My ex, who was almost anorexic thin, who could do 100 vertical sit-ups, was a 2d degree black belt in TKD and held black belts in two other disciplines, who had runway model looks minus a couple of inches of height - every time she looked into a mirror she saw a 300+ pound, extremely homely, woman.

I have never considered myself anything other than a less than attractive blimp. Anyone who told me otherwise I knew were lying because they cared about me. Now that I look back at now fading photographs - okay, maybe not as bad as I thought.

None of us see ourself clearly and honestly.

NoirKat said...

I can sympathize with the never-quite-fiting-in feelings. Those are some of my strongest memories of childhood too. I have been lucky enough to find someone who sees me quite differently though. It doesn't stop those distant voices from whispering in my ear every now and again though. You certainly have a lovely personality, you do. There are many people, many of your kids, who see someone they would like to grow up to be, I don't doubt. Hard to drown out those negative voices from the past, but well worth remembering those who we mean something more to as well.

His Mija aka Linda said...

I totally can agree with this post. We never see ourselves for who and what we really are. As a teenager i weighed about 110 pounds and thought i was the fattest girl in the world. Now i'm 175 and think i'm perfect ......FINALLY

swan said...

As the ugly duckling who is sometimes a swan, but has more than occasional echoes from my duckling past, I understand. There isn't a thing to be done with a mirror that won't show the you that is true and lovely and shining. That mirror is the one that reflects in the eyes of those who cherish you and love you. Turn from the evil image that leads you into negativity and pity, and seek instead the glimmering depths of those far more reliable mirrors that matter most in your life...

swan

Blazngfyre said...

I see many of the same things as you do when I look in the mirror.
However, I have made a conscious choice to embrace my aging, sagging self.
I look at old pictures of me, and I see the body, face, hair, etc that I had 20 years ago, and yes, it was wonderful.
But I wasn't a happy person.
I did horrible things to myself, physically & mentally.
I didn't love myself, and I almost destroyed me.
Now I'm happy, and THAT my dear sweet LittleOne is what makes me beautiful.

As it does YOU!
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

We don't have to like it, but I think at some point there needs to be acceptance.