Thursday, June 21, 2018
Introspective ..... again.
Yesterday I wrote about the changes around here..... afterwards I was thinking I should have written something about my changes..... and decided that it deserved it's own blog entry. (cause I am learning to separate myself from others )
When Sir Steve and I reconnected almost 2 years ago...... my changes had begun.....
I was so far from where I am today it's hard to believe......
2 years ago I had such low self esteem --- I didn't think anyone would want "me" for me.... I was only good as a submissive -- as a service submissive..... and even then there had been doubt planted in my head - was I really a good submissive? I explored poly because I honestly believed who would want me ??? And poly allowed me to not connect / bond with one person.
I was so prone to panic attacks -- having them regularly -- sometimes totally paralyzing me . My social anxiety was laughable....... the only real safe place was tucked neatly away in my lil apartment.
I reverted to my eating disorders....... cutting my calories way down (800 - 900 a day) and exercising 5 days a week -- till my body was pushed to it's limits.
Then Sir Steve wandered into my life -- not demanding anything... not expecting anything... accepting me just as I was flaws and all....... he held me up when I could barely find my feet...... and pushed me to make decisions - MY decisions
When I decided to move here to live in the same city with him ........ I didn't over think it... I mean it was February when I first toyed with the idea and I was totally moved into my lil quirky apartment here by May 15th!
AND the heaven's didn't open and no bolt of lightening came out of the heavens to strike me dead !! Imagine!
I never slept one night in my quirky lil apartment -- but it was my escape hatch -- when Sir Steve decided I wasn't good enough..........
Somewhere over this past year I realized Sir Steve wasn't judging me -- not by my submissiveness ... not by my looks (wrinkles and all) ... not by anything more but by who I am. It took me a long time to adjust ........ he didn't want a submissive good or otherwise -- he wanted a partner... a lover.... a teammate. And so I decided to remove the safety net -- to trust myself and to trust Sir Steve. I gave up my 'escape hatch' and moved everything in here with Sir Steve and the lil one --- eyes wide open.
I realized recently I don't remember the last time I had a serious panic attack... and the anxiety is predictable and therefore it can be handled.
And I realized I was becoming my own person....... not relying on anyone else's judgement/opinion of who or what I am.
I am now finding my voice..... learning to 'talk' ....... learning to say "I need" ... "I want".... and that's a good thing.......
That's a very good thing!